I Can't Date Jesus
Love, Sex, Family, Race, and Other Reasons I've Put My Faith in Beyoncé
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Narrated by:
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Michael Arceneaux
About this listen
New York Times best seller
Featured as one of summer’s most anticipated books by the Los Angeles Times, Vogue, Vulture, Entertainment Weekly, ELLE, Buzzfeed, and Bitch Media
From the author of I Don’t Want to Die Poor and in the style of New York Times best sellers You Can’t Touch My Hair, Bad Feminist, and I’m Judging You, a timely collection of alternately hysterical and soul‑searching essays about what it is like to grow up as a creative, sensitive Black man in a world that constantly tries to deride and diminish your humanity.
It hasn’t been easy being Michael Arceneaux.
Equality for LGBTQ people has come a long way and all, but voices of persons of color within the community are still often silenced, and being Black in America is...well, have you watched the news?
With the characteristic wit and candor that have made him one of today’s boldest writers on social issues, I Can’t Date Jesus is Michael Arceneaux’s impassioned, forthright, and refreshing look at minority life in today’s America. Leaving no bigoted or ignorant stone unturned, he describes his journey in learning to embrace his identity when the world told him to do the opposite.
He eloquently writes about coming out to his mother; growing up in Houston, Texas; being approached for the priesthood; his obstacles in embracing intimacy that occasionally led to unfortunate fights with fire ants and maybe fleas; and the persistent challenges of young people who feel marginalized and denied the chance to pursue their dreams.
Perfect for fans of David Sedaris, Samantha Irby, and Phoebe Robinson, I Can’t Date Jesus tells us - without apologies - what it’s like to be outspoken and brave in a divisive world.
©2018 Michael Arceneaux. All rights reserved. (P)2018 Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"[A] witty and powerful collection of personal essays.... Arceneaux’s confident voice and unapologetic sense of humor will appeal to fans of Roxane Gay." (Publishers Weekly)
"Arceneaux's essays penetrate to the heart of intersectionality to reveal personal and religious trials of faith. Together, they make a powerful statement of self-acceptance in a world much in need of lessons about diversity, tolerance, and openness. A funny, fierce, and bold memoir in essays." (Kirkus Reviews)
"Hilarious...Arceneaux’s acerbic humor is reminiscent of the very best work of American humorist and author David Sedaris." (The Advocate)
Editorial Review
Putting his love on top I’ve been following Arceneaux on social media for a while now, cracking up at his witty nicknames and verbal backflips, and find it immensely gratifying to see him flesh out his funny and uniquely descriptive voice in his memoir, I Can’t Date Jesus. He shares what it was like to grow up black and gay as a Catholic whose first reference point for being gay was the death of an uncle from AIDS. It took a long dark road for him to embrace his life and sexuality, but Arceneaux manages to keep it real and heavy (with Houston references, including lots of love for his hometown’s Queen Bey), but not so emotionally heavy that you can’t thoroughly enjoy the ride. —Abby W., Audible Editor
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Americanized
- Rebel Without a Green Card
- By: Sara Saedi
- Narrated by: Lameece Issaq
- Length: 5 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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At 13, bright-eyed straight-A student Sara Saedi uncovered a terrible family secret: She was breaking the law simply by living in the United States. Only two years old when her parents fled Iran, she didn't learn of her undocumented status until her older sister wanted to apply for an after-school job but couldn't because she didn't have a Social Security number. Fear of deportation kept Sara up at night, but it didn't keep her from being a teenager.
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Corny Cheesy
- By Mina00 on 09-06-18
By: Sara Saedi
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Pure
- Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free
- By: Linda Kay Klein
- Narrated by: Linda Kay Klein
- Length: 8 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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In the 1990s, a “purity industry” emerged out of the white evangelical Christian culture. Purity rings, purity pledges, and purity balls came with a dangerous message: girls are potential sexual “stumbling blocks” for boys and men, and any expression of a girl’s sexuality could reflect the corruption of her character. This message traumatized many girls - resulting in anxiety, fear, and experiences that mimicked the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder - and trapped them in a cycle of shame.
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I expected a different ending I suppose
- By Military Dad on 12-12-18
By: Linda Kay Klein
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Troublemaker
- Surviving Hollywood and Scientology
- By: Leah Remini
- Narrated by: Leah Remini
- Length: 7 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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The outspoken actress, talk show host, and reality television star offers up a no-holds-barred memoir, including an eye-opening insider account of her tumultuous and heart-wrenching 30-year-plus association with the Church of Scientology.
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This book is fascinating and funny! Fantastic!
- By Kim on 11-04-15
By: Leah Remini
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The Conversation
- How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships
- By: Harper Hill
- Narrated by: Kevin Free
- Length: 7 hrs and 6 mins
- Unabridged
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New York Times best-selling, award-winning author, actor, and motivational speaker Hill Harper invites listeners to join the conversation about the breakdown of the African-American family. The black community of past generations found strength in families, but today’s black children have less than a one in three chance of being raised in a two-parent household. Harper’s search for answers to this phenomenon is an enlightening and empowering journey.
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~*AWESOME*~
- By Nevada on 08-13-10
By: Harper Hill
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She Memes Well
- By: Quinta Brunson
- Narrated by: Quinta Brunson
- Length: 8 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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From comedian Quinta Brunson (creator and star of Abbott Elementary) comes a deeply personal and funny collection of essays about trying to make it when you're struggling, the importance of staying true to your roots, and how she's redefined humor online. In her debut essay collection, Quinta applies her trademark humor and heart to discuss what it was like to go from a girl who loved the World Wide Web to a girl whose face launched a thousand memes. This special Audible edition includes never-before-heard details about the making of Abbott Elementary.
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That moment you know you’re a TEACHER…
- By chrissybrown on 09-19-22
By: Quinta Brunson
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Patriarchy Blues
- Reflections on Manhood
- By: Frederick Joseph
- Narrated by: Preston Butler III, Novell Jordan
- Length: 6 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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In this thought-provoking collection of essays, poems, and short reflections, Frederick Joseph contemplates these questions and more as he explores issues of masculinity and patriarchy from both a personal and cultural standpoint. From fatherhood, and “manning up” to abuse and therapy, he fearlessly and thoughtfully tackles the complex realities of men’s lives today and their significance for society, lending his insights as a Black man.
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Great read!
- By BlissfullyT on 11-15-23
By: Frederick Joseph
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Normal Gets You Nowhere
- By: Kelly Cutrone
- Narrated by: Kelly Cutrone
- Length: 3 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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With Normal Gets You Nowhere, Kelly Cutrone invites us to get our freak on. History is full of successful, world-changing people who did not fit in. Think Nelson Mandela, Joan of Arc, Eleanor Roosevelt, Amelia Earhart, John Lennon, and Rosa Parks. Instead of changing themselves to accommodate the status quo or what others thought they should be, these people hung a light on their differences - and changed humanity in the process. “I know you don’t feel normal, so why are you trying to act it and prove to everyone you are?” Cutrone says.
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For open minds and hearts.
- By Kelly on 01-06-12
By: Kelly Cutrone
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Because I Come from a Crazy Family
- The Making of a Psychiatrist
- By: Edward M. Hallowell
- Narrated by: Paul Boehmer
- Length: 13 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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When Edward M. Hallowell was 11, a voice out of nowhere told him he should become a psychiatrist. A mental health professional of the time would have called this psychosis. But young Edward (Ned) took it in stride, despite not quite knowing what "psychiatrist" meant. With a psychotic father, an alcoholic mother, an abusive stepfather, and two so-called learning disabilities of his own, Ned was accustomed to unpredictable behaviour from those around him and to a mind he felt he couldn't always control.
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Love and connection permeates through this book!
- By Steve Steinmetz on 06-29-18
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Letters to a Young Sister
- By: Harper Hill
- Narrated by: Kevin R. Free
- Length: 9 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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Winner of two NAACP awards for his writing, bestselling author Hill Harper is an acclaimed actor known for his role on CSI: NY. A Brown University and Harvard Law School alum, Harper is also a passionate public servant. In this book he offers comforting advice for today's youth through his own wisdom as well as that of such luminaries as Michelle Obama and Angela Bassett.
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Keep writing young brother.
- By Charles Henderson on 03-02-10
By: Harper Hill
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Tied Up in Knots
- How Getting What They Wanted Has Made Women Miserable
- By: Andrea Tantaros
- Narrated by: Andrea Tantaros
- Length: 8 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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In this shocking, funny, and bluntly honest tour of today's gender discontents, Andrea Tantaros, one of Fox News' most popular and outspoken stars, exposes how the rightful feminist pursuit of equality went too far, and how the unintended pitfalls of that power trade have made women (and men!) miserable.
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Not What I Thought It Would Be
- By Kevin on 05-06-16
By: Andrea Tantaros
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Girl, Wash Your Face
- Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be
- By: Rachel Hollis
- Narrated by: Rachel Hollis
- Length: 7 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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As the founder of the lifestyle website TheChicSite.com and CEO of her own media company, Rachel Hollis developed an immense online community by sharing tips for better living while fearlessly revealing the messiness of her own life. Now, in this challenging and inspiring new book, Rachel exposes the 20 lies and misconceptions that too often hold us back from living joyfully and productively.
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More for women who are mothers
- By MeredithNCSU girl on 04-07-18
By: Rachel Hollis
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Love, InshAllah
- The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women
- By: Ayesha Mattu, Nura Maznavi
- Narrated by: Lameece Issaq, Piper Goodeve, Lauren Fortgang, and others
- Length: 9 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
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Romance, dating, sex and - Muslim women? In this groundbreaking collection, 25 American Muslim writers sweep aside stereotypes to share their search for love openly for the first time, showing just how varied the search for love can be - from singles' events and online dating, to college flirtations and arranged marriages, all with a uniquely Muslim twist. These compelling stories of love and romance create an irresistible balance of heart-warming and tantalizing, always revealing and deeply relatable.
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Sex, Love, & Feminism, in the Muslim Women's World
- By Susie on 03-06-13
By: Ayesha Mattu, and others
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This Is Not Over
- A Novel
- By: Holly Brown
- Narrated by: Madeleine Maby, Donna Postel
- Length: 11 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Two very different women with this in common: Each harbors her own secret, her own reason why she can't just let this go. Neither can yield, not before they've dredged up all that's hidden, even if it has the power to shatter all they've built.
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Pettiness Turn Twisted!
- By Jenn on 01-19-17
By: Holly Brown
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Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots?
- Flaming Challenges to Masculinity, Objectification, and the Desire to Conform
- By: Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore
- Narrated by: Mark Bachman
- Length: 8 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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Gay culture has become a nightmare of consumerism, whether it's an endless quest for Absolut vodka, Diesel jeans, rainbow Hummers, pec implants, or Pottery Barn. Whatever happened to sexual flamboyance and gender liberation, an end to marriage, the military, and the nuclear family? As backrooms are shut down to make way for wedding vows, and gay sexual culture morphs into “straight-acting dudes hangin’ out”, what are the possibilities for a defiant faggotry that challenges the assimilationist norms of a corporate-cozy lifestyle?
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Forget the Status Quo South Beach B.S.
- By Susie on 03-14-13
What listeners say about I Can't Date Jesus
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Natasha
- 10-02-20
Great listen!
Michael offers beautiful, deep, and funny stories from his life. I appreciate the invitation to hear from his perspective.
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- Michael Carlone
- 06-18-21
Authentic & Honest
Our book club selected this book and I'm glad they did. The author was authentic, honest and real. thank you for sharing your story with the world and, like Mary J Blige, I too hope you find the right person to love forever.
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- Drew Daniels
- 07-27-18
Great work!
I haven’t been able to stop listening! Michael keeps me laughing with his witty and relevant commentary. The personal stories he shares really add color to his material and makes me crave any more. A must have for everyone!
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- RaychelM
- 03-07-20
Must read ... so many laughs
This book was everything!!! I can’t believe so many people complain about his voice. I thought it was great. He has this monotone sarcasm that goes perfect with how he writes. The book is so vulnerable and gives us a little insight on what it’s like being a black gay man. Even as a black cisgender woman I have experienced the comments of my older family members and can’t imagine what he must feel like. Thank you so much for letting us in on your life Michael ... this book was amazing! As a Christian I will now ask myself am I just tolerating people or truly allowing them to come in and be their authentic selves with me. Thank you for helping me grow.
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- Mita Joey
- 10-03-18
Excellent book!
I read this book because I learned that Michael was from Houston like me. That enhances the book because I could picture the places and neighborhoods that he mentioned and it was like I was a part of it. Beyond that, I love his sense of humor and hearing about his childhood and how he went after his dreams. I have the Audible version of the book and listening to it while at work helped a usually long and boring day go by very quickly. I hope that Michael has plans to write more books.
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- Amazon Customer
- 10-09-18
Witty, thought provoking, well narrated
I love an author-narrated memoir, ESPECIALLY when the memoir is this fantastic. Michael Arceneaux, thank you for your contributions to this earth. I have recommended this book to so many. To hear your own well-written work in your own voice made it so much more personal.
Must read.
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- Jerry A. Rugley
- 05-25-21
A Phenomenal book, written by a Phenomenal young man!
I approached this book like I approach everything...with an open mind. I have to say, Michael, you are now one of my favorite authors. The way you wrote and performed this book made it extremely easy to relate. While our story’s are different, there are SO many similarities. Just as Mary’s “My Life,” has been a staple in my life, your book has now also become a staple. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being YOU!
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- CaTowhee
- 03-28-22
It did inspire
The author finishes the book by saying he aims at inspiring and be inspired. He did just that for me. His focus and ethics at succeeding are remarkable. I also loved how candid he was. I have been trying to concentrate my reading on work by black writers and was attracted to the title because I am an atheist. First few chapters made me laugh but ended up learning quite a bit about Mr Arceneaux’s generation, life style, likes and dislikes. Authors generally fail at reading their own work but, despite mumbling some, he did just fine. I wish him much success.
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- Bjohnson5
- 12-11-18
Great Book!
This book was a great read! Comical and informative. I highly recommend this book to others. My only negative feedback was sometimes I felt the book was all over the place with the timelines, but the stories are very entertaining.
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- Cj James
- 07-23-19
See Yourself, See someone new
I, a black queer man from The South, was recommended this book by a friend. It was great to join in Michael's journey and hear him tell his perspective.
Michael Arceneaux is charming and relatable in this book, even if every vignette is not. As with many memoirs, if you are open to hearing a stranger's life story through their own eyes and willing to connect with them on a human level, you will enjoy this book.
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