From a very young age, Remi lived outside the dominant social norm. Openly gay in middle school, he later came out as transgender, explored polyamorous relationships, and now participates in porn. Through each of these touchpoints, Remi had to make a choice between maintaining emotional safety in living based on normative expectations or pursuing a life that felt more authentic.

In this episode, Remi describes moments in their life where they chose joy and love. It’s not easy trusting your gut. Even in the absence of violence, the stories that dominant society tells us can be loud. Remi’s ability to follow his heart is an inspiring example of self-trust.

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We know gender isn’t a binary - that has been understood for centuries across many cultures. But what is it? Perhaps it can be understood as a field or an ocean, a made-up cultural idea, tied to feelings, life experiences, interpersonal interactions, outward body appearance, body parts, social roles and norms, sexual roles, and more.

In this episode, Vanessa and Hannah, a person who lives somewhere outside the gender binary, look under the hood of gender identity. Hannah documents their personal journey with gender, self-expression and relationships. Their open, deep reflections reveal relatable inconsistencies. For example, they express apathy toward their perceived gender identity but also long for a different, more feminine body. They reject gender-based social expectations, while also desiring the kind of softer interactions that are often attached to femininity.

Even for people who recognize that gender is a made-up social construct, we are also wired for connection, so social constructs matter. Gender stereotypes, roles and expectations can and should be challenged, but these norms still loom large in collective thought. They subconsciously influence how we believe we should dress, talk, have sex, behave, or relate to others. Being honest about and dissecting the innumerable ways these assumptions show up in our lives may help us to break free of their constraints and enjoy just being.

@Vanessacliff2

Selling sex toys might not be a popular topic with conservative relatives at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but it’s a giant industry and, in the right hands, a helping profession.

Despite the stereotypes of skeezy adult theaters, Bambi describes largely positive experiences working with customers. They also had meaningful moments helping customers overcome the stigma attached to sexual, kink, or queer desire.

Bambi had a sex-positive mindset before working at the adult store, but their coworkers and experiences on the job contributed to their growth and exploration around gender, sexuality and self-confidence.

@Vanessacliff2

Boundary settings is a learned skill. It’s particularly hard for people who have experienced trauma, for whom pleasing people feels necessary to stay physically and emotionally safe or prevent love from disappearing. Valuing your own desires can also be particularly hard for women, LGBTQ people or Black, Indigenous and people of color, who regularly receive the message in society that their needs and desires don’t matter.

In this episode, Roxie Valentine describes the process of learning how to ask for what she wants. A recent experience stands out in her journey when she expressed to her polycule a kink fantasy that took some bravery to request. She examines what parts of herself changed to reach the place of self-acceptance and belief that she is worthy of having and expressing her own desires.

@Vanessacliff2

Although transphobia exists everywhere, it is especially difficult to survive as a transgender person in some places, from conservative parts of the U.S. and the U.S. carceral system, to conditions in many conservative countries.

In this episode, we talk with Selena, a Russian refugee who fled transphobic violence and political persecution in her home country. She describes the bullying, assaults and intentional humiliation she experienced from her family and from her school. Nonetheless, she recounts how clearly she knew her identity from a young age and her persistence in being herself.

Despite the social and political conditions, Selena formed clandestine associations with other LGBT people in her area, meeting with curtains drawn just to share safe spaces and friendship. She and a group of friends even went on public record advocating for transgender people. Her brave actions, along with discrimination in employment, ongoing violence and other factors, led Selena to escape to the U.S.

In the words of Maya Angelou, “No one of us can be free until everybody is free.” Stories from LGBTQ folks surviving, resisting or fleeing dangerously transphobic places help us remember what it means to fight for authentic safety, happiness and freedom in community.

A warning that this episode includes discussion of physical violence.

@Vanessacliff2

In addition to the many joys of authentic relating and abundant love, polyamorous relationships can also bring up challenging feelings, like jealousy, insecurity and fear of missing out. There are as many ways of dealing with these feelings as there are relationships, including a range of relationship hierarchies, rules, communication strategies, or preferences, and the underpinning of all effective strategies including honest, open, non-judgemental communication.

In this episode, Josh talks about a component of managing jealousy that’s less often discussed, perhaps because it’s less comfortable for the jealous partner. He takes us through steps he’s taken to manage his own emotions and grow into confidence, secure attachment and healthy interdependence. His reflections range from big picture questions of self-worth to day-to-day strategies of distraction.

The idea that we are all responsible for our own happiness can be understood as a source of liberation: we have the keys to unlock the kingdom for ourselves. Although communication in a relationship is of course important, learning and developing strength as an individual is also a critical part of making polyamory a more life-giving experience.

@Vanessacliff2

Romantic relationships can be a fountain of companionship, adventure and security when they’re going well. But regardless of the number of people involved or the relationship style, relationships that become all-consuming, codependent, or toxic can be a devastatingly significant drain on quality of life. Sometimes identifying that the relationship is a problem and getting out are easier said than done.

In this episode, Azura shares her experience of getting stuck in a relationship where she felt she couldn’t be herself, was discouraged from taking up space and eventually ended up feeling unsafe. Eventually, she felt so depressed and trapped that she put in what she called her “two weeks notice on life”, grabbed her things and high-tailed it across the country. Pushing aside the fog of trauma, Azura bravely reclaimed her life and the space to be herself.

Much like high-intensity sports, playing with BDSM kink is more sustainable and life-giving when it’s done with an eye toward health and safety. Charle offers recommendations for nutrition, sleep, infection prevention, education, and emotional health before, during and after kink scenes.

Whether you’re into Shibari rope, impact play, needle play, or more, tips from this episode may help you feel more confident taking care of your body and mind during play.