A culture of “compulsory monogamy” teaches us that there is only one desirable and appropriate way to form romantic relationships. Ethical non-monogamy opens a much broader range of possible relationship structures, including swinging and polyamory.

In some cases, even after learning about and trying out different relationship structures, people still conclude that monogamy is right for them.

In this episode, Ali and T describe their experience with “chosen monogamy”, a relationship style in which they decided, despite knowledge of and past experiences with non-monogamy, to be sexually exclusive. Neither monogamy nor non-monogamy are right for everyone. As Ali and T discovered, empowerment is less about any one relationship structure over another and more about the ability to make a conscious, personal choice.

@Vanessacliff2

For people who eventually share their identity as LGBTQ+ in middle age or later, they stand in the wake of decades of life identifying as cisgender and straight. Compulsory heteronormativity and cisnormativity are powerful tools of oppression that suggest that being cisgender and straight are the only right way to be. For people not connected to LGBTQ communities, finding language for or comfort in expressing non-normative gender or sexual orientation can be a long process.

In this panel episode, Hannah and Adrian describe how decades of trying to squeeze themselves in a box they don’t fit had detrimental consequences, including depression, anger and addiction. Over time, in a gradual process of coming out, or as the panelists discuss “letting people in”, they were able to create more space for freedom, authenticity and joy in their lives.

The irrational fear, discrimination and judgements about people who are fat are deeply ingrained in dominant Western norms. These ideas show up in many areas of our lives: physical education classes at school, ideas perpetuated by the fitness industry, images and narratives about desirability in mainstream media, including TV shows, advertisements and porn, and bias and discourse among medical professionals.

In this episode, Tina describes how they have encountered fatphobia throughout their lives. Inspired by fat loving activists and authors, as well as their personal experience as a performer in Cliff Media’s porn scenes, Tina has learned a new way of relating to their fabulous body. Talk about the damaging impacts of fatphobia and ways people of all body sizes can work to unlearn these ideas.

@Vanessacliff2

Trigger warning: This episode discusses rape and sexual assault, including graphic depictions of Hannah’s assault as a minor.

In consensual non-consent (CNC), scene partners negotiate their desires, boundaries and limits in advance. Although the scene roleplays assault, it is based on care and prior communication. Because the sub has asked for the dynamic, specified their boundaries and can stop the scene at any time, the sub retains power, creating a powerful way to reframe past experiences of rape.

By contrast, seeking out sexual assault itself exists outside the negotiated safety of CNC. Nonetheless, it is a practice shared by some survivors of sexual assault, who intentionally place themselves in dangerous situations with the hope of reliving their prior experiences.

In this episode, Hannah describes how this has played out in her life. But subconsciously and, sometimes, very intentionally, she has sought to relive the magnitude of violence and control she first experienced at 12 years old.

Assault for Hannah has a different meaning now, as a physically stronger and more emotionally resilient adult. She explores to what extent this is driven by a desire to reclaim power in an experience where she previously found herself powerless or a brain wired for repeating unhealed trauma.

@Vanessacliff2

Chronic unhappiness and feeling stuck can often result from creating a life centered around perceived obligations to other people. The expectations of family, friends, and the dominant culture can reinforce shame attached to doing anything for yourself, asking for what you want or pursuing fun or pleasure for its own sake.

Underlying this shame is often an anxiety about rejection. Releasing this fear and shame to express what you need - and even what you simply want, whether essential to well-being or not - can be enormously freeing.

In this episode, Tina talks about ways that narratives in their childhood encouraged them to be smaller, quieter, and focused on the needs of others, and how they came to live a fuller, more self-authorized life.

@Vanessacliff2

From a very young age, Remi lived outside the dominant social norm. Openly gay in middle school, he later came out as transgender, explored polyamorous relationships, and now participates in porn. Through each of these touchpoints, Remi had to make a choice between maintaining emotional safety in living based on normative expectations or pursuing a life that felt more authentic.

In this episode, Remi describes moments in their life where they chose joy and love. It’s not easy trusting your gut. Even in the absence of violence, the stories that dominant society tells us can be loud. Remi’s ability to follow his heart is an inspiring example of self-trust.

@Vanessacliff2

We know gender isn’t a binary - that has been understood for centuries across many cultures. But what is it? Perhaps it can be understood as a field or an ocean, a made-up cultural idea, tied to feelings, life experiences, interpersonal interactions, outward body appearance, body parts, social roles and norms, sexual roles, and more.

In this episode, Vanessa and Hannah, a person who lives somewhere outside the gender binary, look under the hood of gender identity. Hannah documents their personal journey with gender, self-expression and relationships. Their open, deep reflections reveal relatable inconsistencies. For example, they express apathy toward their perceived gender identity but also long for a different, more feminine body. They reject gender-based social expectations, while also desiring the kind of softer interactions that are often attached to femininity.

Even for people who recognize that gender is a made-up social construct, we are also wired for connection, so social constructs matter. Gender stereotypes, roles and expectations can and should be challenged, but these norms still loom large in collective thought. They subconsciously influence how we believe we should dress, talk, have sex, behave, or relate to others. Being honest about and dissecting the innumerable ways these assumptions show up in our lives may help us to break free of their constraints and enjoy just being.

@Vanessacliff2

Selling sex toys might not be a popular topic with conservative relatives at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but it’s a giant industry and, in the right hands, a helping profession.

Despite the stereotypes of skeezy adult theaters, Bambi describes largely positive experiences working with customers. They also had meaningful moments helping customers overcome the stigma attached to sexual, kink, or queer desire.

Bambi had a sex-positive mindset before working at the adult store, but their coworkers and experiences on the job contributed to their growth and exploration around gender, sexuality and self-confidence.

@Vanessacliff2