• Advice From a Marriage Expert on Hiring a Private Investigator

  • Oct 25 2019
  • Duración: 21 m
  • Podcast

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Advice From a Marriage Expert on Hiring a Private Investigator

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  • Joe Beam, chairman of www.marriagehelper.com, is one of the foremost authorities on marriage and relationships. In response to a Family Savvy reader's question, Joe shares his perspective on hiring a private detective to catch a cheating spouse. QUESTION: Dr. Beam. I have strong suspicions that my spouse is having an affair. However, I cannot find one single clue to substantiate my hunch. I want to get to the truth, but I have no way of finding out on my own. I have two very close friends. One says that I should hire a private investigator. The other says that this would backfire. I would love to know your thoughts on whether I should hire a private investigator to find out if my spouse is cheating. ANSWER: I certainly understand how upsetting it must be to worry that your husband may be unfaithful. Although confirmation of your suspsicions would be devastating, knowing the truth would free you from the limbo of living in doubt and fear. Therefore, I understand your considering a private investigator. Either your mind finds peace, or you confront the problem. Your friend's advice to hire a private investigator seems simple enough. But you asked my thoughts. So here goes. From my experience working with thousands of marriages, I agree with the friend who advises you to NOT hire a private investigator. Earlier in my career of helping marriages, I thought differently. However, I have switched my stance on this after repeatedly witnessing strong negative consequences when one spouse secretly spies on another. I could share myriad horror stories describing how suspicious spouses caused even greater problems in their marriages through employing private investigators. Tactics such as hiding GPS devices in cars, tracking cell phones, surreptitiously following spouses, bugging telephones, and sneaking into emails or Facebook accounts, can often exacerbate existing marital problems. All spouses who made the choice to hire private investigators surely felt what you too are feeling. I have to know for sure. How will I ever find out? What if this goes on forever? Although these feelings are real, and valid, don't allow them to lead you to a rash decison Think about the possible results of secretly investigating your husband. He Is Innocent and Never Discovers You Checked On Him The best you can hope for is that your private investigator discovers your husband is not involved with someone else or involved in some inappropriate behavior. You pay the investigator fee, go on with your life, and your husband never knows. You still have to live with the awareness that you failed to trust him. You also have the fear that if he ever discovers what you did, he will be hurt. Maybe angry. Maybe very angry. He Is Innocent and Discovers That You Checked on Him There is always a risk in bugging phones, using GPS devices, digging into emails, hiring investigators, and all the other things you might do to determine if your spouse has secrets. While he may never know, the possibility exists that he may catch you. No matter how smart or careful you may be, eventually you will make a mistake, or something unexpected will go awry. (This also happens to experienced private investigators.) No secret method of spying is flawless. I have witnessed the intense anger, humiliation, and resentment a person feels when she discovers her spouse has been secretly spying on her. It makes no difference how he tries to explain or justify his actions; the message is loud and clear: you don't trust me. You think I am a dishonest person. Simply accusing a spouse causes problems, but these problems pale in comparison to the earthquake that follows if a spouse discovers that her or she has been followed or spied upon. A rift in the marriage can occur that takes months, years, perhaps even a lifetime to overcome. He is Guilty and You Confront Him If you wish to divorce him if you find proof of infidelity, then it makes little difference how you discover his adultery. If you wish to save your marriage if you learn he has strayed, there is a great deal of difference in how he will react to how you found out. Typically, no one reacts well to being caught. Often, they focus their own hurt, frustration, and anger on something other than their own behavior. If, for example, someone tells you about your husband's affair, he may well become angry with that person. If you accidentally discover it because you find a slip of paper in his pocket or happen to see a text come in on his cell, he will be angry with you for emptying his pocket or seeing his phone. However, because he knows that you were only preparing his pants for the cleaners or that he left his phone where you could easily see, that anger might soon be directed elsewhere. BUT... if he realizes that you spied on him, all his anger will be directed toward you. It happens because of all the emotions tumbling through him. He knows that he may lose his reputation. He may lose his children. He ...
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