The realm of confusion: I need to be independent but I also expect my needs to be met (which actually means you become dependent on your partner).

Today I'm joined by Erica Turner, relationship coach, to discuss relationships, communication, boundaries, needs, and how to effectively navigate these areas in personal interactions.

Main Issues in Communication:

• Acknowledging Needs: Many individuals are not even aware of their unmet needs, leading to feelings of resentment and frustration.
• Expectations from Partners: There is a common but unrealistic expectation that partners should magically understand and fulfill needs without explicit communication.
• Self-awareness: Recognizing and understanding one's needs is crucial before expecting a partner to meet them.

Identifying Needs:

• Connection to Emotions: Emotions are indicators of unmet needs. For instance, feelings of confusion might indicate a need for clarity, which can be addressed by initiating conversations.
• Safety in Expression: Creating a sense of safety to explore and express emotions is vital. Trauma can make it difficult for individuals to sit with their emotions, leading to over-productivity as a coping mechanism.

Self-Discovery and Relationship Readiness:

• Balance of Self and Partnership: While self-discovery is important, expecting to be fully healed before entering a relationship is unrealistic. Knowing one's needs, emotions, boundaries, values, and preferences provides a foundation for healthy relationships.
• Dependency in Relationships: It is important to strike a balance between self-reliance and relying on a partner. While partners should not be expected to fulfill all needs, some core relationship needs must be met.

Effective Communication Strategies:

• Expressing Needs Clearly: Articulating needs in a non-accusatory manner, such as "I need this because it makes me feel..." can reduce defensiveness and promote understanding.
• Handling Responses: Accepting that a partner may not always respond positively to expressed needs, and using their response as information for further decision-making.

Conflict and Arguments:

• Healthy Arguing: Learning to argue constructively is crucial. The best time to learn how to handle conflicts is when things are going well.
• Commitment to Well-being: Both partners must commit to preserving each other's well-being and having difficult conversations for mutual growth.
• Communication Techniques: Labeling the situation and feelings ("When this happened, I felt...") can help reduce defensiveness and foster constructive dialogue.

Risk Responses in Arguments:

• Types of Risk Responses: These include criticism, defensiveness, minimization, and silencing/ignoring. It's important to sidestep these defenses by depersonalizing issues and focusing on behaviors and feelings.

Ego Work:

• Receiving Feedback: Both partners need to work on their egos to be able to receive feedback without becoming defensive. This involves understanding that reactions often stem from one's own insecurities or past experiences.

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LinkedIn Dr Sarah Alsawy-Davies
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Website www.healtraumabonding.com
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