Thank you to Modern Aquatic for the music. Track "Laurel Leaves." And to our guest Starlyn Haneman at wholesomerebelwellness. Speaker 1 (00:00): If you're looking for options beyond stuffing, your feelings, blowing up, acting fine, sucking it up or giving more than you get, come with me on this journey. I've got some good stuff for you. Speaker 2 (00:17): Okay, good Speaker 1 (00:18): News. According to the Mayo Clinic, it's completely normal to occasionally experience anxiety, and this makes sense, right? You're only human, so of course you're going to sometimes worry, have feelings of fear about the future or even nervousness about something fun or exciting, like getting up on a stage in front of 300 people and telling a story about your life. Okay, maybe that last one's just for me. Maybe yours is more like butterflies before a first date or nerves about pitching a project to your boss. And all of this stuff is just part of the human experience, and it doesn't have to be an awful out of control, anxiety attack. It can just come and then the feelings can go. We can even train our minds to notice these thought patterns so we can move through them with greater awareness and self-compassion. But what happens when your anxiety becomes chronic intense, or your default? (01:09): What happens when your anxiety starts to affect your sleep, relationships, confidence, and your health? Hi, I'm Victoria, a recovering anxious person. There's a lot of reasons for this and I'll share a little more in this episode in my conversation with anxiety coach Starlyn Haneman. But I'll give you one big spoiler alert before I knew what to call it. My main way of moving through the world looked like a case of serious hypervigilance. What does that mean exactly? For me, it meant almost always trying to do my best, even when the definition was constantly changing, which would later become a real problem because I didn't understand why I was doing it or where the motivation to be an award-winning human and a non contest with no awards was coming from when I was in school. It meant being the best student I can be. When I became a mom, it was how can I be a great mom when I started teaching in college, same when I got divorced, I wanted to be the best divorced parent possible for my kids, but that's not all. (02:10): My hypervigilance also meant being careful and watching out for mistakes that would mess me up later in life. And then when I would inevitably make mistakes, it would be like, oh shit, and let's write it down. Let's rehearse it. Let's memorize this experience so it can never happen again. Then it meant keeping lookouts. So the same mistake couldn't sneak up on me, and sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't. But you know what it always was? Even when I had little awareness about what I was doing fucking work, my favorite therapist, Dr. B once told me that it was like I was moving through life on stilts while other people were out there with their feet touching the ground. The worst part was I somehow made stilt walking look like a stroll in the park. Even when it was stormy, I was a master at looking fine, even great, never knowing what I was doing was way more work than the normals. (03:03): So yeah, I was a ball of anxiety and eventually it wrecked my nervous system and I had to handle it, and it took years to see real progress, but eventually I did see progress, and I use these same tools today. I am hopeful that in this way you are not like me. I would not wish chronic anxiety on anyone, but it's possible you got a smidge of what I'm talking about going on, and here's why. There's a lot that happens in our developmental years that makes how we handle life later easier or harder. And turns out how you learn to experience your emotions is a big one. So if you had parents or mentors who taught you that it's okay to disappoint, to make mistakes, to try and fail, to love and lose, to feel sad, to get mad, that you will hurt others and you'll feel bad, but then you'll make it right. (03:53): If you had wise people who taught you to feel you're doing much better than the rest of us. But if you didn't or if your lessons were somehow interrupted or were incomplete, then now is an excellent time in your life to work on this. And the cool thing is it will benefit you immensely, but if you love other people and want to do right by them, it's going to help them too. And you know what else? When you learn to notice your feelings and work with them, your emotional suffering, which is a lot of what anxiety is going to decrease, if you're new to the Naked Librarian, I am so glad you're here. It's true. I am Victoria, the recovering, anxious, perfectionist, people pleaser, and I'm also your host and the creator of the Naked Librarian. I'm a writer, storyteller, and health nerd who is passionate about helping grown ass women navigate life with more self-compassion, energy, happiness, and wonder. (04:44): In today's episode, ...
