Spiritual leaders on the somehow-still-peaceful planet of Bardotta are disappearing, and that Queen Julia has called upon the Senate for help. The ghost of Senator Onoconda Farr chimes in with an undignified snort, but no one in the Senate has a sense of clairaudience or of irony, and so it goes unnoticed. Chancellor Palpatine calls the Jedi Council to let them know it will in fact be a mismatched duo comedy episode starring bad cop Mace Windu and clown cop Jar Jar Binks. See, the Bardottans hate the Jedi, because they steal children, and so want Jar-Jar and no one else to come help them.

When they arrive on Bardotta, we learn that the Dagoyan Masters, non-Jedi, non-Sith force wielders, are disappearing one by one. We also learn that Jar-Jar and Queen Julia are, let's say, more than friends. Shortly after this the queen disappears. The Bardottan council explains the source of the prophecy is the Frangawl clan, who worshiped a demon in a shrine below the temple, and we realize that this is not just a buddy cop movie with a side-helping of Orientalism, but an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom pastiche.

Our heroes journey to the caverns below the palace, where Jar Jar is immediately captured and placed in a cage hanging over lava.

After a standard amount of Jar Jar hijinks, Master Windu locates him, and the battle rages! The cultists are defeated but the cult leader escapes with the still-captive queen. Jar-jar promises the Bardottan council for the second time that day that he and Mace will recover the queen.

The Frangawl cult gets to take over the Bardottan government if Queen Julia isn’t found. I’m not sure kidnapping is a good basis for transfer of power in governments, but at this point, as an American, maybe I should be more open to new ideas.

Jar Jar breaks down what happened to the Bardotten master. The terms ‘crispy fried’ and ‘force sucked right out of him’ are referenced. Meanwhile the cultist Ornithopter lands on Geidi Prime, and if Julia is fitted with a heart plug to extract her living force I’m going to start enjoying this arc.

The Great Mother (who?!) has told the cultists that they have Jedi on their tail. The cultists are being sneaky by dragging the kidnapping victim and a glowing sphere of living force through a crowded marketplace and Jar Jar and Mace still almost miss them.

Mace and Jar Jar run into what looks like a genestealer cultist who sicks a couple Gundarks on them. Jar Jar’s prehensile tongue comes into play, and somewhere Kit Fisto senses another erotic disturbance in the Force. There’s talk of planetary alignment and apparently Lovecraftian cultists are now in the mix; we’re one pair of Nike Decades away from a cultist connect four.

Hey, it’s Mother Talzin! More fighting with some rejects from the Uldaur raid and at this point I had to lay down for a while with some pretty severe WoW flashbacks. Mother Talzin and Mace fight, and she holds her own against a Jedi who made Darth Sidious look like a chump. Where was this when Grievous invaded Dathomir?

Anyway Jar Jar rescues the Queen, Mother Talzin’s scheme unravels and Mother Talzin dissolves with a scream…? The queen decides that maybe the Bardottens should reconsider their attitude towards the Jedi, and she just has the absolute worst judgment of anyone on this show and that’s saying a lot.

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Senator Amidala is apparently the only person responsible for aiding refugees, and apparently all money comes from the Banking Clan on Scipio. Amidala and her aide Teckla Minnau travel there and meet old friend, Rush Clovis.

Clovis proves his good intentions by sneaking into Padme's bedroom, this bank has security almost as bad as Fortress Inquisitorius ! He explains that the Banking Clan is about to change its name to Bear-Stearns, as the vaults are almost empty.

Chancellor Palpatine asks Padme to help Clovis and find out more about the missing money. Padme and Clovis head to his private apartments to make their Ocean's 2 heist plan to steals banking files. Teckla follows through on the play, but is assassinated by Bounty Hunter Embo: RSVP Teckla Minnau!

Padme and Clovis review the data, but before they can act Padme is arrested for espionage. The Jedi send Anakin to Scipio to help; once he arrives and learns Clovis is involved, he becomes a raging pit of jealousy. Our heroes manage to escape, but as they do, Embo contacts Darth Sidious, who declares that going forward Sidious will deal with them personally.

The space caricatures of ‘international’ bankers are meeting in their steampunk lair - oof. Yoda meets Padme, Anakin and Rush Clovis and escorts them to the Chancellors office. Anakin gets possessive and picks a fight with Padme, which Clovis somehow wins simply by not being a raging dick. Obi Wan notices that Anakin is pretty angry, and they almost have a conversation about Anankin and Padme. Anakin outright lies about his relationship with Padme.

Padme and Clovis engage in some forensic accounting. Clovis gets grabby. Anakin, who has presumably been using the peeping tom force power, barges in and proceeds to Force Choke Clovis. Clovis gets Anakin to put down his lightsaber and put up his dukes. Security is called and Clovis may be many things, but he aint no snitch. Padme tells Anakin to get lost. Anakin is heartbroken.

The Separatists and the Republic vote to allow Clovis to become head of the banking clans (which, what the hell?).

We open on Scipio as the transfer of power to Rush Clovis is about to begin. Dooku Spacetimes(™) with Clovis with demands and threats to raise the interest rates on the Republic, otherwise the Separatists will default on their payments.

Padme relays this information to the Senate. Yoda and Chancellor Palpatine both want to investigate Clovis, but in their own ways.

Back on Scipio, the separatists attack Padme’s clone escort and Dooku arrives to take control. Padme is captured. Palpatine decides they must declare war on Scipio. Dooku FORCE…S Padme to shoot the separatist senator.

Yoda sends an obviously conflicted Anakin to Scipio. Sidious and Dooku reveal that the banks will be placed under the control of the Supreme Chancelor… their plan all along. Padme warns Clovis that he has lost control. A Vulture droid is shot down and crashes into Clovis’ office, causing Padme and Clovis to tumble over the edge. Anakin cannot save them both. Clovis apologizes for all he’s done, and sacrifices himself.

Palpatine gets control of the banks, but promises to relinquish power once the war is over… A promise I’m sure he’ll keep.

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We open on Fives meeting with Shaak Ti. Shaak says that the chancellor wants the tumor. Shaak is going to take the tumor to the Jedi temple first, and Nala Sey protests.

AZ3 runs into Fives in the halfway, and their clone guards aren’t super good at the whole guarding thing. AZ lets slip that Fives is to be mindwiped and assigned to Sanitation duty. Fives is done getting the runaround and as it turns out an Arc trooper is more effective than four guard clones who never made it off Kamino. Imagine what he could do with Sanitation, probably some sort of Space Cloaca Maxima. Dave Filoni call me.

Fives steals a ship and makes a break for it, but ditches it to swim back to the cloning facility. AZ3 is apparently a distant cousin to Lazerbeak and turns into a jetski. Meanwhile Nala Sey calls Darth Tyrannus. Tyrannus gives her marching orders: the Jedi must never know about the true nature of the inhibitor chip.

Fives and AZ3 start doing science: the implant is foreign which means it’s intentional. Fives starts taking off his helmet like he’s the main character in a Marvel movie. Fives has AZ remove his own chip because he’s maybe the best character in Star Wars? But do all clones have the chips? To the embryo farm!! Looks like all the clones have the chips.

Nala Sey interrupts and explains the truth: Sipho Dyas ordered the chips implanted. Fives is upset that the Jedi might have done this to the clones. Shaak shows up and Fives basically gets to the heart of the matter when he says that the chips have to be removed or the entire Grand Army of the Republic could be compromised.

Nala Sey says that Fives should be terminated and that he is property. Interesting production note, Ayn Rand and the Daughters of the Confederacy have writing credits on this episode. Weird. Shaak says that he’s actually property of the Republic, that and a lightsaber apparently carry the day. Fives and Nala Sey are to accompany Shaak and the evidence to Coruscant.

Fives is drugged by Nala Se, right under JEDI MASTER Shaak Ti’s nose, and then presented to Chancelor Palpatine. Nala Sey insists the chip in every clone is fine, but Fives protests. Palpatine suggests he speak to Fives alone… So he can be more open and speak his mind. During this private conversation, Fives “attacks” Palpatine and is chased by Shaak Ti. She loses him when she orders a clone to “close the blast door”... always a mistake.

Coruscant goes on lockdown looking for the wayward clone. Upon Anakin’s suggestion, Mace instructs Anakin to conduct a “quiet investigation”... Anakin’s strong suit. Fives goes on the run to a clone bar, the 79’s. Fives explains to 501st clone trooper Kix what is going on and that he needs Anakin and Rex to meet him at some secret coordinates.

Anakin and Rex show up at to meet Fives. He starts to explain what’s going on with the chips and what’s going on in his head… and in the process sounds a little cuckoo while explaining his theory. Palpatine’s clone guards show up and shoot Fives… But not before he was maybe getting through to at least Rex, if not Anakin as well.

Palpatine tells the Jedi that Nala Sey found out it was something in the water in Ringo Vinda, and that the Kaminoans have already developed a vaccine to administer to all clones. Palpatine and Dooku Spacetime (™) and congratulate themselves on covering up order 66.

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Ahsoka is accused of bombing the Jedi temple and killing clones to cover up the crime and she's now on the run. The Jedi council, having decided that Ahsoka is guilty, chooses to send the most logical people to catch her: the two Jedi she has the closest relationships with, Anakin Skywalker and Plo Koon.

After calling Barriss Offee to ask for help, she is spotted by police, and escapes into the lower levels of Coruscant, where she is captured by bounty hunter Asajj Ventress. Ahsoka offers her a deal - help Ahsoka prove her innocence, and Ahsoka will get Ventress a pardon.

Barriss offers Ahsoka a lead - Letta visited an old munitions factory nearby when acquiring the nano-droids used in the bombing. As they depart, they are spotted by Commander Wolfe and his men. Ahsoka and Asajj fight their free, making sure not to kill any of the clones. Once Ventress is on her own, she's knocked out by a mysterious assailant, who takes Ventress' mask and lightsabers - then attacks Ahsoka while in disguise! The clearly Force-using masked attacker manages to knock Ahsoka out and into the hands of Anakin and Wolffe, who take her into custody and back to the temple.

Tarkin is SpaceTiming(™) into the Jedi temple with the Senate’s demands that Ahsoka be tried for her crimes. Yoda says that Ahsoka will be tried by the Jedi and Tarkin makes a pretty salient point that a bunch of weird space ninja wizards with a penchant for kidnapping young children might not be willing to let justice take its course.

The Senate is asking that Ahsoka be expelled from the Jedi order so she can be tried by a military tribunal. Yoda says that the dark side clouds many things, but still wonders who might have force choked Letta if not Ahsoka. Yada yada perception dump stat yada. If only telepathy were a Jedi skill.

Ahsoka is kicked out of the Jedi, and stripped of her rank in the Grand Army of the Republic. Anakin tracks down Ventress in the slums and proceeds to get investigatory. Ventress cops to wanting to turn Ahsoka in for the reward, but changed her mind when she realized that Ahsoka was also betrayed by her master and abandoned by the Jedi order. Anakin goes slack jawed when he realizes maybe other people exist in the universe beyond being bit players in his own personal drama.

Ahsoka’s trial begins and Sheev is adjudicating (and sounding suspiciously like Nigel Thornberry). Anakin is adrift because Ventress is the only one Ahsoka talked to, but AHa! Ventress remembers her talking to Barriss.

Anakin goes to chat with Barriss, and decides that only swinging a lightsaber at her head can reveal the truth. Nat 20 and she fends him off with Ventress’ stolen lightsabers. That was almost a very awkward conversation with Luminara.

Anakin takes Barriss to the trial to undercut Sheev’s monologuing. Barriss admits to everything but gets in a pretty good takedown of the Jedi before she gets taken away. Yoda offers her her place back in the Jedi, but Ahsoka declines. Anakin catches up to Ahsoka and tries to make it about himself, and to her credit Ahsoka says it’s not about him. Best character in Star Wars. Anakin says he understands wanting to walk away from the order, and Ahsoka says she knows. Padme’s sex yacht is the galaxies worst kept secret.

Ahsoka walks into the sunset and Anakin is left alone.

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Anakin and Ahsoka are leading an invasion of Cato Neimoidia in their starfighters. Anakin gets cocky and is covered in buzz droids. R2 says don’t threaten me with a good time and indulges in some fun sized droid murder. Unfortunately he can’t clear Anakin’s undercarriage, and it is filthy with buzz droids (I passed out from STD joke choice paralysis when writing this for a few minutes.)

Yoda Spacetimes(™) Anakin and tells him: “his butt back to Coruscant get.” Someone bombed the Jedi temple! The council thinks that it was perhaps… a Jedi? Since they know Anakin and Ahsoka weren’t there they are the ones tasked with investigating.

Mace has also tasked a droid named Rizzo with investigating. Russo and Ahsoka go to interview the survivors. A Pantoran, knowing that the Jedi can’t find their own butts with two hands, gives Ahsoka and Russo a solid lead: Jakkar Bomani.

Anakin says that this must have been a well planned out caper to escape notice by the Jedi, probably involving a ridiculous accent and a fake mustache. Family and friends of the victims gather and Leta, Jakkar’s wife, makes her presence known.

Meanwhile Ahsoka and Russo have recreated the explosion with a hologram. They find no bomb residue, but they do find nano-droids. Jakkar’s file indicates he’s a munitions expert with a specialty in nano weaponry.

Russo has found Jakkar’s hand with nano-droids in his blood stream: so he 'set us up the bomb,' as it were. Anakin and Ahsoka investigate the run down tenement that Jakkar lives in and they get so close to the truth when they say that they thought working for the Jedi paid better. They find Jakkar's last meal was laced with nano-droids.

Leta confesses, but says this is bigger than they know! (I mean, it could be smaller than a bread box and that would still be true for the Jedi...) But for now, the Jedi are cleared!

The Jedi are trying to return to normalcy as Master Yoda eugoogalizes the fallen Jedi. Ahsoka talks to Barriss Offee, who is taking this hard since she trained with one of the fallen: Tutso Mara.

Tarkin tells Anakin, Ahsoka & Barriss that the bomber, Letta Turmond, has been captured. Letta will be held by the military since “clones and civilians died as well”. Anakin tells Ahsoka to comfort Barriss, and follows Tarkin into the lift with basically a “Women! Am I right?” kind of comment.

While comforting Barriss, Tarkin Spacetimes (™) in to say that Letta will only speak with Ahsoka. Letta reveals that a Jedi made her do it, and that this Jedi thinks the the once-peacekeepers need to stop their warmongering. After Ahsoka gains her trust, Letta reveals that is was Jedi Master Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh. The video of the cell shows Ahsoka, with arms outstretched, while Letta is being force-choked… and there is no audio. As such, Ahsoka looks to have killed her and is imprisoned for the crime.

Anakin tries to visit, but he is refused per Tarkin’s orders. Ahsoka sees a keycard in the hallway, force swipes it, and gets out of her cell. She runs into stunned clones, and sees her comlink and lightsabers on the ground. She then comes across dead clones as well… And she’s getting framed. While searching every hen-house, farmhouse & outhouse; Anakin finds her, she proclaims that she didn’t kill her wife in her best Harrison Ford voice, then proceeds to Richard Kimball onto a passing ship.

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Darth Maul and Savage Oppress are floating in a escape pod in space. A lightsaber cuts a hole in the hatch, but that’s no lightsaber: it’s a darksaber! We see Pre Vizsla and is that Bo-Katan?

Deathwatch return to their camp and it’s got a real master race vibe to it. Maul declares himself the true lord of the Sith so I think we can assume the Deathwatch base is on the planet Avignon. Pre and Maul then have a tea party. That’s not even a joke.

Maul decides to shake down the Black Sun syndicate (it’s pronounced SheeZor). After some aggressive negotiations Maul has their loyalty. Maul says his Pre’s, plans lack clarity, his Gantt charts are sloppy and his online PMP certification isn’t from an accredited source. The Pyke Syndicate decides to volunteer instead of being conscripted. Maul tries the same tactic with the Hutts that he tried with Black Sun, but the Hutts have bounty hunters of their own: Dengar, Embo and some of our other B-list bounty hunters deliver a counter proposal via blaster fire.

Next Maul plans to attack Mandalore, hitting key targets to sow distrust in Satine as a leader. The Pikes take over the shipping docks, the Black Sun Clan terrorizes the city center. Vizla “captures” Savage for show, and uses his new found popularity to take over Mandalore and imprison Satine. Vizla also captures Maul, not part of the plan.

While in prison with Savage, Maul looks for a worthy successor to Satine/Vizla… and what better place to go shopping than a prison. He finds Almec, the former Prime Minister that Satine had jailed for… was it poisoning kids with watered down tea? With Almec in tow, Maul challenges Vizla to combat for leadership of Mandalore. After a lightsabery/darksabery/blastery/grenady/jet-packy/ropey/punchy/kicky fight, Maul beheads Vizla. Darksaber in hand, he claims the right to lead Mandalore. Bo-Katan and company will never accept an outsider as leader and escape after a firefight.

Almec, in his new position of power, tells the public that Satine killed Vizla. Maul, while on his throne of lies, is happy to be playing puppetmaster.

The kids from Season 3’s “The Academy,” all aged 10 years somehow, stage a prison break to free Satine, along with Bo-Katan. The escape is short-lived, but Satine gets an emergency message to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Strangely, when he receives it at the Jedi Temple, it's a few sentences longer than the one we just saw her send. SpaceTime(tm) is weird.

Because Mandalore is neutral, the Jedi Council will not act to help. Obi-Wan Kenobi will have to come to Satine's aid on his own. He walks into the prison and once more easily walks Satine out. They need better guards at this prison. Satine says her sister can help, but they are recaptured by Maul.

Maul explains his plan isn’t to kill Kenobi, but to make him suffer, then kills Satine with the darksaber in front of Obi-Wan. With her dying words, she says she has always loved him and always will. Maul orders Kenobi imprisoned to rot in his suffering. They take him to the prison, but he immediately is freed by Bo-katan and her men. Really, prison security is an issue. Obi-Wan realizes Bo-katan is the sister Satine mentions, and gives his condolences.

Meanwhile, Darth Sidious, having sensed a disturbance in the force, has arrived on Mandalore in person to deal with his former apprentice. Sidious says Maul has become a rival. Maul, Savage, and Opress draw their sabers - Sidious kills Savage Opress in the fight but instead of ending Maul, reveals he has other uses for him as we reach THE END.

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The droids have successfully obtaining the super-secret data from the Separatists, and then gotten stranded in THE VOID. We open on the droids and Corporal/Colonel Gascon in a sub-ground level city that is… occupied…? by people. Sort of.

Gascon and WAC try to get food and power, in the local diner, but are denied service. WAC follows some space-cockroaches to the dumpster behind the diner, where Gascon is reluctant to dine. There they run into a clone that doesn’t know he’s a clone despite Gascon telling him he is one. Gregor, the lost clone, starts to ask his diner-owner boss some questions, but gets no answers.

Gascon rushes to the clone’s house, where Gascon reveals his true identity to him… that of Captain Gregor after R2 pulls up his service files. The traumatic amnesia he got from his final battle starts to fade and memories start to flood back. After a shave and a haircut Gregor goes to the diner to retrieve his armor and weapons with the help of the droid posse.

The team, now whole, discovers a plot by the Separatists to load a very explosive material into a shuttle and blow up a cruiser in orbit. Gregor goes sickhouse on the separatists droids to allow the R2 posse an escape path. BZ (with Gascon inside) goes down! Gregor runs to their rescue, with the R2 posse on the ship, Gregor tells them to leave without him. He pulls a Butch and Sundance level final battle… leaving it up to the viewer if he survives or not. So, listener, is your glass of blue milk half empty or half full?

Then the Radio Announcer gives us a literal 3 sentence summary of the past three episodes. (He's better at his job than I am at this.) D Squad arrives aboard the Jedi cruiser to discover no one there, except some holograms on the bridge. When the cruiser jumps to hyperspace, they learn it's actually being piloted by Separatist droids! After some light droid-on-droid crime, D-Squad discovers that the entire ship has been packed with fuel and rigged to explode!

They meet up with some other Republic droids who were left behind, including Bunny, an LEP service droid, an MSE messenger droid, a GNK and a PLNK power droid, and a WED-15 Treadwell. Bunny informs the crew that the ship is headed for the Carida system, where Gascon knows a Republic Strategy Conference is about to be held - the Jedi Council and much of Republic command will be there! D-Squad realizes they have to do something, but they are spotted by a buzz droid and attacked by its friends. The battle rages! BZ decides to win the fight by opening the airlock, somehow forgetting that literally everyone except Gascon is designed to operate in the vacuum of space. This plan works for some reason, but at the cost of BZ being sucked into space with all the buzz droids.

After Gascon gives a halftime pep talk, we come up with a new plan: everyone but R2 hides, and R2 does all the work by rigging the ship to blow early. The Treadwell is comedically killed while slowly crossing a hallway, because it's sad when an astromech dies, but not a Treadwell. When R2 has trouble with his part of the plan, Gascon finally decides that saving droids is important, and decides to try to help! But WAC-47 doesn't get the message, the shuttle leaves, and R2-D2 sacrifices himself, blowing up the cruiser before it reaches the station. Ha! No, R2 is fine, despite being in the room where the explosion literally started. Colonel Gascon says R2 can be his wingman anytime, but WAC-47 says actually, he has been assigned to be Gascon's wingman as we reach THE END.

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