This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Time Stamps

• 4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…” to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling
• 6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children
• 8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.
• 13:15 Whose problem is it?
• 14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions.
• 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)
• 21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking
• 23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset
• 25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard
• 27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand
• 34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened (each child tells their POV)
• 35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy
• 36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe instead

Resources:

• Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulness
• Video: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communication
• Blog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child
• Handout on Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by Scholastic
• Mindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindset

Leslie-ism: Expect your children to misbehave

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.