Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on. Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way?

Time Stamps

• 4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
• 4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
• 5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
• 12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
• 12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
• 15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
• 20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
• 21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
• 22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
• 23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
• 29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
• 30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
• 31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
  • What does it communicate
  • Let it go
  • Validate, validate, validate
  • Problem solve (finding other options)
  • Conflict resolution steps
  • Observe and describe what’s happening
  • Do Nothing is an option
• 32:18 Principles of reinforcement
• 35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:

• Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”
• Leslie’s newsletter: The Art of Healthy Neglect

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.