Ep. 11 / Things to Not Say to Someone Who Has Experienced Infant Loss Let me just start this episode by saying that it’s important to really apply this is everyone because you don’t know who has experienced infant loss. You might have a friend or family member even, who has experienced infant loss and these questions or statements should probably be avoided at all costs. I remember before Olivia passed that a grieving counselor/nurse at the hospital I was in came in and sat with me and explained to me that people are going to say some really stupid things and they may not mean anything by it but it’s going to hurt. She was helping prepare me as I was very raw and vulnerable, to go out into the world and deal with dumb questions and stupid comments. After Olivia passed, I’ve had everything you can think of. I’ve been deeply hurt by comments made by friends and family members and some weren’t meant to hurt me so I have asked God to help soften my heart and not take things personally. As someone who has personally experienced infant loss, let me just share some basic things you shouldn’t say: 1. Are you going to try again? Unless the person you’re talking to is years away from their baby dying, this is a question you should not be asking. Honestly, asking anyone if they’re trying again isn’t your business but if you’re a close friend or family member maybe you could ask instead, how can I be praying for your family? This is an open-ended question that gives the parent an opportunity to share what they’re comfortable sharing. 2. Are you going to use the same name? I was asked this and to this day it makes me roll my eyes but this should not be a question you ask. Each baby is a different baby - they are all unique and while a name is just a name, asking someone if they’re going to name two of their kids the same name is not wise. If you have a friend who is pregnant with a rainbow baby (for those of you who don’t know what a rainbow baby is, it’s a baby who comes after a loss) you can ask instead, have you thought about a name yet? Don’t make this baby seem that it’s the same baby that was lost - bad idea on many levels. 3. I think it’s time to move on, don’t you? Whoa. If you are listening to this and have personally lost a baby you know that that struck a few (probably many) chords and you’re like why would anyone say that?! Well, it was said to me and to this day I still struggle with it if I’m honest. This shouldn’t be a question or statement made to anyone who is grieving the death of anyone. You are on the outside looking in, you are not experiencing what that person is living. We will never get over our child, we will always remember their birthdays and the day of their passing - we just will. Anyone would. This question should be replaced with, how are you doing emotionally? How can I pray for you? If your friend is stuck in depression or in another phase of the process of grieving I suggest you listen to my previous episodes on this topic so you can better understand where they’re at and how to help them through it. 4. What are you going to do with all the baby stuff? Before we came home from the hospital my family lovingly took all the baby stuff and put it all into the nursery and closed the door so that I didn’t have physical reminders when I got home of what I lost at the hospital. Personally I found it helpful and was very appreciative of their efforts. I obviously had to eventually enter that room and go through it all. I gave a lot of the clothes away and kept the ones that I really liked just in case. But I had full intentions of trying to have another baby so I wasn’t going to get rid of any of the baby gear, we simply boxed it up and saved it for later. Granted, there was a lot of tears involved as we boxed up items that we had planned on using with our Olivia but that wasn’t the plan God had for us. Instead of asking this very raw question you can ask instead, how can I help you with your healing process? Can I clean your home for you? Do some laundry? Bring a meal? Can I help box up anything? 5. At least your baby is in a better place now. While this is true - heaven certainly is better than earth - this should NOT come out of your mouth. Sorry but it’s just the truth. This is the go-to for all Christians it seems. To any mom the best place for their baby is in their arms and that was stripped away from them. The mom doesn’t need this reminder, she will come to this on her own and in God’s timing but you are not God’s messenger to tell them this. I feel like this is a go-to because frankly, a lot of people don’t know what to say and they want to be helpful and encouraging but let me tell you, this is far from it. If you want to be helpful and encouraging you can simply say that you are so sorry for their loss, give them a hug, and pray for them right then and there or if it’s not a good time and/or ...
