Episode 238 comes in response to a request from a long-time PBSE listener. Here's her submission—

Can you talk about the "3 second rule" and why it’s not an ok rule?! Many people talk about it and/or say they’ve read, heard, or had addicts, partners, therapists, suggest this rule. I love the way you’ve described what crap that is because an addict's mind doesn’t need 3 seconds to go to addiction thoughts. I can’t recall if you’ve ever talked about it on PBSE. I think maybe, but on D2C, I’ve heard you talk much more specifically about how that’s a crap idea. Thanks guys! I think it could help so many people to know that it’s not a good rule or way to avoid scanning and objectifying. And that using tools like mindfulness… and having a plan before going out and for each and every action through the day is a better way.

• First, what is the “3-Second Rule”?
• Why did it become a “thing” over the years? How is this “quick-fix/treating-the-symptom” vs. “real recovery and change”?
• The “3-second rule” would be considered a very basic recovery concept
  • Based around trying to curb urges around scanning, objectifying, or other voyeuristic behaviors.
  • The notion behind it may be “good” in some ways, but has shown to become problematic for addicts in recovery:
    • A lot can happen in 3 seconds!
    • Can/has been interpreted as “giving permission” to look, so long as it's for a short time.
    • It focuses way too much on the “don’ts” and not enough on the “do’s."
    • It doesn’t bring about lasting change—focuses only on symptom management
• What to do instead?
  • "Check your intention at the door"—What am I here for? How am I "purpose-driven"?
  • Plan in advance—what will I do WHEN, not if, triggers come up for me?
  • Create easy access to "centering" resources - phone calls, reach-out texts, virtual meetings, etc.
  • Tools—surrender, empathy, practicing holistic connection—humanizing.
  • Practicing being FULLY PRESENT in a situation

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services