• Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality

  • De: Mike Gerle
  • Podcast
Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality Por arte de portada

Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality

De: Mike Gerle
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  • A retired WeHo gay exploring the correlation between sex and meaning.

    mikegerle.substack.com
    Mike Gerle
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Episodios
  • The Disorienting Silence Of No Drama

    The Disorienting Silence Of No Drama
    May 16 2024
    This post is sexually explicit and very AIDS-y. Two states older gay men know well. Those adhering to the standard narrative I wrote about in my last post will find this content disquieting. So, with that warning, here goes. *A few months ago, on my knees, among hundreds of bodies writhing around me, a cock in my mouth exploded with a rare load in the G-dosed molly-spiked energy of a dance party dark room. I looked up and smiled with gratitude at the guy, who nodded down at me with a satisfied grin. No thoughts of death or disease, just the pure ecstasy of pleasure. No awkward whispers of HIV status. No recent funerals. No belongings to sift through. No forever friends with months, weeks, or days to live. No wondering who will die next. No wondering if it will be me. Just raw pleasure thanks to drugs that now shield us from transmission–from drama. And as I make my way back to the main party, it hits me that this is it. This is as good as the celebration of the end of the plague is going to get: a gaping void of drama. It makes me wonder if my nightmare memories are true. Did a male nurse sit across from me in the San Diego County Health Office in 1986 and tell me that I had less than eighteen months to live and I most likely would not see the age of 23? That same year, did a scumbag named Lyndon H. LaRouche get Proposition 64 on the California ballot that would have placed HIV+ people into concentration camps? Did my best friend Alvin die the next year? Did I give my first eulogy at 22?Was I getting bloodwork done every three months, for free, at the Edelman clinic in West Hollywood, where the new library is now? In 1991, did tears steam down my face when I looked at my chart and saw that my T-cells were about to fall below 200, the point at which all the opportunistic infections that pave the way to death begin? Was I the only one there to take care of my boyfriend Tony until he died because his parents couldn’t cope with finding out their son was gay and had AIDS all at the same time? Did I give my second eulogy at 26 on the baseball diamond of Poinsettia Park without their permission after Tony died? Did I hook up with a guy, use a condom to fuck him, and then a few days later see him on the street in front of the parking garage where I work when he asked casually, “You’re negative, right?” Did that happen again with another guy, in bed, right AFTER sex? Was there a constant debate about who should disclose first? The negative guys thought it should be the positive guys. After all, they had the deadly concealed weapon. The positive guys thought it should be the negative guys. Hey, you guys have the most to lose. I was always honest, always used a condom, and thought the person who cared the most should start the boner-killing conversation. Did I start having sex exclusively with HIV+ guys because of all that drama and the weight of possibly infecting someone else? Yes! The drumbeat of AIDS-driven fear was ever present. Like, when two guys with British accents took me into one of the cock sucking booths at the Zone sex club in Los Angeles. The sexual heat between the three of us was fierce, and I loved that they took turns using my ass. I’m still perplexed by the look on one of their young faces after he came. It turns out he wasn’t wearing a condom. His load was inside me. Was that an expression of guilt, fear, shame, or something else? It certainly wasn’t ecstasy. For those of us who were positive, the drumbeat pounded like a metronome: every three months, bloodwork, results, doctor visit, repeat – bloodwork, results, doctor visit, repeat. The guys who were HIV-negative got tested when they thought they should. Having a negative result was a reprieve, tempting these men to stretch the time to the next test when the ax might fall. Finding ways to get off with another guy without causing more death led to lots of jerking each other off, in-person voyeurism, and dry humping. Eros and death were constant companions. Finally, a rich and famous straight guy named Magic Johnson was infected and was willing to talk about it. This normalized the disease enough for non-gays to start understanding. “Oh, you have what Magic has,” is what a friend of mine reported his brother saying. Magic is how my husband, who’s almost 17 years younger than me and was born the same year AIDS was identified, learned about HIV. Hiding in his parents' room, he watched a kid's show hosting Magic Johnson. Going to funerals became a regular occurrence for everyone affected by the plague, HIV+, HIV-, gay, lesbian, and straight. No one was spared the losses. “What do you think when you’re having sex with a guy you haven’t talked about HIV with?” I asked my brutally honest HIV- best friend. “Are you Satan?” was his honest answer. So, what do you think about me? I thought. In places like Los Angeles, positive guys started having their own sex parties. I visited the...
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    13 m
  • What Really Happens on a Gay Cruise?

    What Really Happens on a Gay Cruise?
    Apr 18 2024
    “Hey! It’s you guys. I didn’t know you’d be on the ship!” It takes me two full seconds to recognize the tall, lean Italian with dark eyes and grey-speckled beard stubble before a surge of joy-filled love overtakes me. I embrace him with one arm and squeeze my husband’s wrist in the elevator bay crowded with men in costumes. “Dennis! Look who it is!” We are taking a bathroom break during the first themed dance party of the seven-day March 2024 Atlantis Events (99% gay) cruise on the Valiant Lady, a Virgin Voyages ship that left from and will return to San Juan, Puerto Rico. The theme of tonight’s dance party is “Tropical Heat,” we are wearing black lines of “warrior paint” on our faces, red headbands, red tights, and the one pair of black Adidas sneakers that will need to support every activity this week. “Oh, my gawd! It is so good to see you!” says Dennis, squeezing through the crowd to give him a full-bodied hug. We met this man and his beautiful husband precisely three years ago on this same ship in the Mediterranean, out of Barcelona. Our connection on the dance floor translated into two memorable visits to our private stateroom with the four of us. It was a connection unlike most of the others because of its effortless blend of intense erotic pleasure and sensitive, emotional openness. I was genuinely sad when we said goodbye in the galley food area on the last day of that cruise in 2021. This is what keeps us coming back. Freedom. Joy. Sex. But mostly, love. These cruises provide what is no longer offered on land (in the United States): a 24/7 space dedicated to gay men’s comfort and delight for all ages and body types. This is my seventh cruise with Atlantis, and I’ve learned that the cornucopia of activities available makes it possible for every kind of gay, no matter his age, body type, activity interests, or cultural inclinations, to have a blissful journey. These cruises have something for every kind of gay. * Circut Party Gays * His body and wardrobe are maximized for dancefloor impact. * Wearing either a minimal thong & face full of glitter, or a full-blown themed group costume with yards of fabric blowing in the sea air, posing for a group photo. * Often embodied in one of the most objectively beautiful physiques on the ship. * Pupils dilated, he sometimes never sees the light of day. * He emerges after dark, is at least an hour late to the party, and routinely closes down the after-party at 6:30 AM.* Standard Narrative Gays* Wearing the latest short-sleeved button-down shirt from L.L. Bean. * They are having the cruise your mom might have.* They have booked as many excursions off the ship as possible.* Discussion about open relationships never happened before the cruise, and they’d prefer that other gays stop bringing it up.* Alcohol is the only acceptable drug, and there is always a drink in their hand.* They have a persistent neurotic expression, asking, “What if pics of this get out?” * Old Gays * Wearing whatever the fuck they want, which is either complete comfort or full fabulous. * These men are genuinely happy to be alive and willing to engage with anyone who makes eye contact. * They make eye contact. * Many are up early, enjoying the sunrise.* The oldest (I chatted up a 92-year-old) get decked out in the party themes of red, white, pink, etc. Find a seat overlooking the dance floor and remain transfixed for hours, chatting with the oldster beside him as the Virgin staff keep them hydrated. * Sluty Gays* Wearing their best guy-getting gear. Often in St33le shorts. * Looking for every opportunity to suck it, stick it in, or receive. * Down Low (DL) sluts project all their assets: butts out on the dance floor, styled super sexy on the pool deck, etc., but need to be out of sight of their friends to “go downstairs.” * Open sluts, wearing something similar, will make offers and respond to sexual proposals casually, without shame. * Guys in Slut Mode stalk the dick deck (a part of the ship designated for anonymous sex), know the good bathrooms for hook-ups, and are always ready to “go downstairs.”* Sober Gays* They show up to the party ready to engage (dance, hookup, whatever) without needing their drugs to kick in. * They are at the dance parties early and seldom see the sun come up. * Their erections are much more predictable than dosing Circut Gays and drunk Standard Narrative Gays. * Their conversations are much easier to follow. * They have Bill W. meetings to assist with cruise overwhelm. * Twink Gays* Rare, but there.* Cruises take money and planning. Both are rare attributes of youth. * Often part of a red state May/December coupling.* Free agent twinks also appear to be seasoned circuit party raver types. * They are thoroughly informed on party protocol but still new to the planet, so what you see is usually what you get. * Foodie & Spa Gays* The food on this ship, in particular, is ...
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    12 m
  • One Bag Of Bones At A Time.

    One Bag Of Bones At A Time.
    Apr 8 2024

    Easy to say.

    “You’re perfect.”

    “I see you as perfect.”

    All you need to do is let go of all the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, mental constructs, advertisements, comparisons on social media, and the tap tap tap of that nagging voice that says, “Don’t fall behind. You can still catch up. You can still win!”

    Just follow your breath.

    Well, notice it first.

    Can you?

    That thing you do every moment of every day. That very first thing you did when you slipped wet and cold into existence. That thing that will be the very last thing you do before it all ends or you move on to another plane of existence. That thing my father’s body tried to do even after he’d died.

    “Be here now.” Thanks, Ram Das. But how do we do that without trying? How do we try without judgment?

    How do we believe it’s okay to see ourselves as whole and happy? Unbroken.

    If I’m not seeking “healing” what is there left to do?

    Without trauma, addiction, and neurotic narcissism, what do I do with my day?

    Who will understand what I’m talking about?

    Unbroken. Whole. Complete.

    The red pill or the blue pill? Which one is the true fantasy?

    The earth, the moon, the stars. The sun that will be eclipsed by the moon today over North America. The galaxies, and clusters, and all the missing matter our current comprehension of math can’t explain.

    Without a creation myth, how do I cope with consciousness? To know I am, but little else?

    It’s not reason or math or science or myth that will bring peace.

    It’s faith. It’s jumping into the unknown, the unreasonable idea that I’m good and complete no matter what the other bags of muscle and bone and emotions helplessly tell me and sell me. Forgive their ignorance and my complicity.

    It’s an inside job.

    One bag of bones at a time.



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe
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    4 m
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