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Abish kicks things off with a cocktail that has absolutely nothing to do with the episode and everything to do with vibes: the "Pickligamy". Equal parts vodka, pickle juice, and lemonade, garnished with a pickle spear, it exists purely because the word sounded funny and honestly? That’s enough. The drink inspires immediate polarization—pickle lovers rejoice, pickle skeptics recoil—and the segment spirals delightfully into pregnancy cravings, candy unboxings, Minneapolis chaos, and the emotional whiplash of trying to stay informed while the world is actively on fire. It’s chaotic, comforting, and extremely on brand.

Scriptures: [00:29:53]

aaaAAAaaa takes on Abraham 4, aka Genesis 1 but Joseph Smith is freestyling from memory. The segment walks through Abraham 4 beat by beat, highlighting how closely it mirrors Genesis structurally while managing to be longer, clumsier, and way more repetitive. The plural “Gods” are introduced immediately and then aggressively re-introduced over and over again, without ever being explained or allowed to actually do anything interesting.

Church Teachings: [00:50:01]

Moroni dives into the many Mormon versions of the creation story, moving beyond scripture into temple theology. He lays out the five major creation accounts that matter in LDS thought: Genesis, Moses, Abraham, and multiple versions of the temple endowment—including the pre-2023 version and the revised post-2023 changes. The segment meticulously tracks how the endowment’s creation narrative originally didn’t line up with any of the scriptural versions, then was quietly edited to match them more closely.

History: [01:12:43]

Abigail closes the episode with “Mormons in Space,” an absolutely unhinged deep dive into Battlestar Galactica (1978) and its creator, Glen A. Larson. What starts as a fun pop-culture tangent turns into a full-blown Mormon theology exposé as Abigail traces Larson’s LDS background, his career trajectory from 1950s boy band heartthrob to TV megacreator, and how Battlestar Galactica becomes Mormon cosmology with lasers.

From the Quorum of the Twelve in space, to Kolob-adjacent planets, Egyptian aesthetics, literal devil figures named Lucifer and Iblis, resurrection arcs, sealing language, and angelic beings made of light, the show is revealed to be less “Star Wars knockoff” and more “temple endowment with spaceships.” Abigail walks through key episodes—especially War of the Gods—to show just how explicitly Mormon the narrative becomes, culminating in a celestial destiny for humanity and a literal search for Earth. The segment lands on a comparison between the incoherent, patriarchal original series and the far superior 2004 reboot, proving once again that Mormon ideas are everywhere… even when they really shouldn’t be.

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aaaAAAaaa opens the episode in classic Great & Spacious chaos, immediately acknowledging that Joseph Smith’s Abrahamic space fanfic has once again forced a cocktail concept into existence. This week’s drink, "Gnolaum Kokaubeam", is a coffee cocktail named after the aggressively fake cosmic vocabulary Joseph introduces in Abraham 3—specifically the “eternal” and “star/light” language that somehow sounds like it belongs on a Starbucks menu.

The segment veers delightfully into tangents about caffeine, preparation-as-a-lifestyle, accidental recordings, earthquakes, and the inevitability of filling silence with words. The vibe is caffeinated, slightly unhinged, and perfectly aligned with a chapter where God insists—repeatedly and ungrammatically—that He is more intelligent than everyone else.

Scriptures: [00:21:17]

Moroni walks through Abraham 3, a chapter that functions less like scripture and more like a seventh-grade essay written by a farm school dropout trying very hard to sound cosmically important. Abraham is shown visions of stars, planets, and governing bodies, culminating in the introduction of Kolob—the star nearest to God’s throne—and a hierarchy where everything exists on a scale of “lesser” and “greater,” repeated until meaning collapses under its own weight.

The discussion highlights how the chapter blends speculative astronomy, time dilation (“one day unto the Lord”), and premortal hierarchy, all while God declares Himself “more intelligent than they all” in some of the most awkward divine dialogue in scripture. Moroni emphasizes how this chapter quietly introduces foreordination, noble and great ones, and the scaffolding for Mormon premortal elitism, all wrapped in language that feels far more 19th century than ancient.

Church Teachings: 00:39:14

Claudia breaks down what the LDS Church teaches based on Abraham 3, focusing on foreordination, premortal existence, and the War in Heaven. The segment explores how members are taught that certain spirits were chosen before birth for leadership roles—prophets, rulers, and “choice” individuals—while still maintaining the convenient loophole that foreordination isn’t a guarantee, just a cosmic head start.

The conversation unpacks how these teachings historically justified hierarchy, patriarchy, and racism, including older doctrines that framed physical, racial, or national “limitations” as evidence of lesser premortal valiance. Claudia connects these ideas to Mormon culture’s obsession with being the “chosen generation,” noting how every generation somehow inherits that same title, and how the logic of Abraham 3 continues to underpin modern LDS authority structures despite decades of quiet doctrinal cleanup.

History: 00:59:24

Abigail closes the episode with a deep dive into cosmology itself—what it is, why every human society develops one, and how cosmologies function less as explanations of the universe and more as justifications for who gets to be in charge. Drawing on comparative mythology and religious studies, she outlines common cosmological frameworks across cultures and shows how Mormon cosmology fits neatly into patterns of hierarchy, divine craftsmanship, and procreative authority rather than ancient Hebrew thought.

She situates Abraham 3 squarely in its 19th-century con

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Moroni opens the episode with a mercifully refreshing cocktail, the Cranberry Vodka Spritz-Ur, a deliciously refreshing drink named for the land of Ur and the general need for something light before wading into Abrahamic theology. Built around vodka, cranberry juice, citrus, and a fizzy topper, the drink does what it needs to do: keeps spirits up while the conversation immediately detours into the emotional exhaustion of existing in 2026. The intro swings between gallows humor, pop-culture side quests, and the general sense that everything is on fire, but at least the drink slaps. Consensus is reached quickly: this is one of the better cocktails in recent memory, which is good, because the rest of the episode is… a lot.

Scriptures: [00:32:29]

Abish walks everyone through Abraham 2, covering Abraham’s divine relocation order, the expansion of the covenant, and the promise that his name, seed, and priesthood authority will somehow bless literally everyone. The chapter’s emphasis on separation from corrupt societies, obedience without immediate payoff, and covenantal chosenness sets the stage for everything that follows. Abraham is framed as special, chosen, and obedient long before there is any visible success, establishing a template where faithfulness matters more than outcomes. The segment highlights how genealogical language and priesthood authority are already doing a lot of heavy lifting here, even before Joseph Smith gets fully weird with it later.

Church Teachings: [00:49:53]

aaaAAAaaa attempts to explain the Abrahamic Covenant using an official BYU Religious Studies Center article, quickly discovering that it is aggressively long, deeply repetitive, and determined to explain the same point twelve times in slightly different arrangements of words. After valiantly reading for longer than anyone deserved, he pivots to a summarized version to preserve the will to live of the other hosts. The segment reframes Abraham 2 as institutional theology rather than narrative scripture, showing how the covenant is used to justify chosen-ness, obedience without reward, and suffering as a feature rather than a bug. The takeaway is clear: the covenant isn’t just a promise, it’s an operating system—one that explains why being chosen mostly means being used.

History: [01:07:16]

Abigail closes things out by focusing on Abraham’s “seed,” and by seed she very much means seed, unpacking just how biologically, genealogically, and obsessively reproductive this section of scripture really is. The segment leans into how lineage becomes theology, how fertility becomes destiny, and how the covenant quietly turns into a divine breeding program with eternal consequences. Along the way, she connects this fixation to broader ancient and modern anxieties about inheritance, legitimacy, and power, all while keeping the tone appropriately unhinged. If nothing else, listeners leave with a renewed appreciation for just how horny theology can get when it runs out of better metaphors.

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Abish opens the episode with the “Osh Kosh Korash”, a chaotic but shockingly drinkable cocktail named after one of Abraham 1’s many extremely real, absolutely-not-made-up gods. Built from chocolate Crown Royal, amaretto, vanilla vodka, coffee liqueur, grenadine, cream, and topped with cherry Dr Pepper, the drink perfectly sets the tone for a chapter that feels like Joseph Smith just kept adding ingredients until something vaguely coherent happened. The intro spirals through pop culture tangents, general apocalypse vibes, and the shared realization that the Book of Abraham somehow manages to be both deeply racist and deeply boring at the same time.

Scriptures: [00:24:45]

aaaAAAaaa turns Abraham 1 into a full narrator-film trope, with Abraham doing a self-satisfied Emperor’s New Groove–style voiceover while actively being tied to an altar. The segment walks beat-by-beat through Abraham’s humblebrag résumé—his desire for priesthood, knowledge, and greatness—before diving into the sudden appearance of a rotating cast of nonsense gods, Egyptian priests inexplicably operating in Chaldea, and the extremely convenient survival of Abraham while three unnamed virgins die offscreen. The retelling highlights how repetitive, padded, and self-justifying the chapter is, exposing Abraham as a protagonist who treats attempted human sacrifice as a brief inconvenience on his way to cosmic importance.

Church Teachings: [00:46:56]

Moroni covers what the church teaches about Abraham 1, focusing on how lesson manuals frame Abraham as a model of faith, courage, and righteous ambition in a corrupt world. The segment breaks down the church’s emphasis on Abraham’s desire for priesthood, Pharaoh as a supposedly righteous leader without authority, and the way Abraham’s near-sacrifice is reframed as spiritual proof rather than a narrative disaster. The discussion highlights how the church smooths over the text’s contradictions while quietly leaning on Abraham to justify priesthood lineage, authority claims, and obedience as the ultimate virtue.

History: [01:02:04]

Abigail closes the episode with a deep dive into 1960s Book of Abraham apologetics, when the papyri resurfaced and forced the church into theological gymnastics. She walks through the rediscovery of the papyri, their identification as standard Egyptian funerary texts, and the resulting scramble to redefine “translation” into something closer to inspiration-by-association. The segment connects these apologetic shifts to broader LDS doctrine, showing how much modern Mormon theology depends on a text that simply does not say what Joseph Smith claimed—and how the church responded when the evidence showed up and refused to cooperate.

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aaaAAAaaa kicks off the first episode of the year with the cocktail "Mintthuselah", a wintery, chocolate-mint apocalypse in a glass named for Methuselah and the general pre-Flood vibe of things being long, old, and overdue for judgment. Using Chocolate Crown Royal, mint chocolate Baileys, a carefully restrained splash of peppermint schnapps, and cream, the drink manages to be both indulgent and ominous—much like Moses 8 itself. The intro meanders through sandwich betrayal, bad brains, naming talents, and a surprising amount of pop culture detours, before finally landing on the idea that if the world is ending via flood, it should at least taste good while it happens.

Sciptures: [00:27:37]

Moroni takes on Moses 8 and quickly realizes there isn’t much there there. The chapter is mostly lineage, absurd lifespans, and a heavy-handed declaration that everyone is wicked, with very little actual Noah content and almost no flood logistics compared to Genesis. Instead of ark specs or animal gathering, the text leans hard into sermonizing, random giant mentions, and premature name-dropping of Jesus Christ thousands of years before that would make any sense. The segment highlights how abruptly the book ends, how little narrative payoff exists, and how Joseph Smith’s retelling feels more like a theological rant than a story—culminating in God threatening to wipe everyone out and then immediately moving on like nothing happened.

Church Teachings: [00:48:10]

Abish unpacks how Moses 8 gets weaponized in LDS doctrine, focusing especially on the “sons of God” versus “daughters of men” framework and how it’s been used to justify fear around mixed-faith and interracial marriages. Tracing teachings from Brigham Young through Spencer W. Kimball, Harold B. Lee, Mark E. Petersen, and Ezra Taft Benson, the segment shows how marriage outside the covenant has long been framed as spiritually dangerous, socially corrosive, and even deserving of divine punishment. The discussion pulls no punches, highlighting explicit racist quotes, the church’s refusal to fully disavow them, and the ongoing cultural pressure that treats non-member spouses as liabilities rather than partners—all while pointing out how hollow the modern “love everyone” messaging sounds when eternal exclusion is still baked into the doctrine.

History: [01:16:37]

Abigail zooms out from Mormon scripture to place Moses 8 in its broader mythological context, walking through flood stories across cultures and civilizations. From Mesopotamian epics to global flood myths, the segment explores why floods show up so frequently in ancient storytelling and how they’re typically about chaos, renewal, and survival—not doctrinal purity. By contrast, Moses 8 stands out for how little it cares about the flood itself and how focused it is on punishment, lineage, and obedience. The result is a clear historical gut check: Joseph Smith didn’t expand the Noah story so much as flatten it into a morality lecture, stripping away the mythic weight and replacing it with a warning about not listening to the prophet.

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Moroni opens the episode with The Flood Line, a blackberry Crown Royal and ginger ale cocktail that hits hard, pops loud, and sets the tone for a night that’s equal parts chaos and critique. The drink name riffs on Moses 7’s apocalyptic vibes, while the intro spirals delightfully through Costco Jesus art, pop-culture detours, and the usual GASP blend of reverence and profanity. The overall energy is loose, a little unhinged, and perfectly primed for talking about prophets who allegedly rearranged geology.

Scriptures: [00:32:04]

Abish tackles Moses 7, comparing the sparse biblical Enoch to the fully weaponized Mormon version who preaches, builds Zion, reroutes rivers, and makes mountains flee like startled pets. She walks through the LDS expansion of Enoch’s story—Zion as a literal utopia, God openly weeping, and a city so righteous it gets yoinked into heaven—then contrasts it with both the Bible’s two-sentence shrug and the apocryphal Enoch who acts more like a cosmic archivist than a social reformer. The segment frames Joseph Smith’s Enoch as less ancient prophet and more ideological prototype for Mormon communal theology.

Church Teachings: [01:02:17]

aaaAAAaaa digs into literalism as a defining and increasingly fragile pillar of Mormon theology, using Moses 7’s “mountains fleeing” as the launch point. Pulling from scripture, JST Genesis, Ensign articles, FAIR apologetics, and conference talks, the segment shows how early and modern leaders framed priesthood power as genuinely world-altering—breaking mountains, dividing seas—while later scholarship quietly reframes that power as symbolic or institutional once evidence fails to cooperate. The result is a sharp exploration of how literal claims are taught with confidence, then softened, spiritualized, or quietly retired when reality refuses to play along.

History: [01:38:39]

Abigail returns for what is jokingly labeled “part four of three” in her Satanic Panic series, tracing how fear-based moral hysteria deepened and spread the more she researched it. This installment situates Mormon culture as uniquely primed for panic—steeped in literal belief, supernatural causality, and rigid authority structures—making members especially vulnerable to conspiracy thinking. The segment underscores how the same literalism that props up prophetic mountain-moving also fuels real-world harm when paranoia is treated as revelation.

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Abish opens the episode with the “Skibidi-lestial”, a shockingly good tangerine-vanilla-Malibu-UV-blue-floral cocktail that began life as a joke and somehow achieved exaltation. The intro spirals delightfully through drink lore, abandoned gardens, generational slang anxiety, Barnabas’s failed cocktail redemption arc, and pop-culture tangents ranging from Avatar nipples to Hallmark movie crimes, all while firmly establishing the night’s tone as cozy, chaotic, and spiritually unserious.

Scriptures: [00:32:43]

aaaAAAaaa tackles Moses 6 through aggressive “Pearl Math,” walking through the overlapping lifespans of Adam’s descendants and landing on the central absurdity: a tiny, fully interrelated monoculture where Adam and multiple patriarchs are still alive, God is still showing up, and yet missionary work is somehow necessary. The segment roasts the anachronistic theology (atonement before Jesus exists, baptism before doctrine), the psychedelic clay-on-the-eyes seer upgrade, and Adam being “quickened in the inner man,” ultimately arguing that the chapter only makes sense as Joseph Smith projecting 19th-century Mormonism backward into Bible fanfic.

Church Teachings: [01:00:43]

Special guest Laman shares his mission experiences and the process of disentangling Mormon doctrine from identity after leaving the church, offering a grounded look at how missionary culture, obedience, and certainty shape members long after belief cracks. The discussion explores why ex-Mormons keep talking about Mormonism, how doubt is culturally framed as failure, and how walking away often requires rebuilding not just theology, but an entire sense of self.

History: [02:06:29]

Abigail continues her multi-part series on the Satanic Panic, showing how Mormon cultural patterns — authority worship, fear of hidden evil, and obsession with moral purity — made the church uniquely susceptible to the hysteria. This installment connects early LDS ideas about secret combinations and Satanic influence to the broader American panic, setting the stage for how these narratives escalated and why they landed so effectively in Mormon communities.

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aaaAAAaaa walked into this episode like a man determined to prove that rock bottom is not a location but a state of cocktail consciousness. Thus was born "The Rejected Offering" a hotdog martini that immediately triggered a collective, visceral “oh no” from everyone present. Built from ketchup, spicy brown mustard, muddled relish brine, lemon juice, vodka, and a hefeweizen float “for bread,” this drink was essentially a liquid Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Garnished with teeny weenies, it was more an act of performance art than a beverage. And of course, when the others revolted after their first sips, aaaAAAaaa — like Cain, but with a higher tolerance — drank all three.

Scriptures: [00:33:37]
Moroni took us through Moses 5, the moment the family of Adam graduates from “naked gardening” to “institutionalized murder and cult formation.” Using the Pearl of Great Price remix of Genesis — the version God allegedly showed Moses through a burning 19th-century VR headset — Moroni highlighted just how much of this chapter gets repurposed verbatim in the LDS temple endowment. The angel explaining sacrifice? The law-of-sacrifice phrasing? Eve’s “Wherefore, we rejoice…” line? Yep — straight from Moses 5.

We get the classic beats: Adam tills, Eve “also labors with him” (the scriptural equivalent of saying “she helped”), everyone starts having kids with everyone else, and suddenly Cain and Abel exist to reenact the world's first true-crime documentary. Moroni walked through Cain’s floor-fruit offering versus Abel’s blood sacrifice, God’s weird favoritism, and Cain’s bisexual-coded “Who is the Lord that I should know him?” before the inevitable rock-to-head fratricide. By the end, God curses Cain, darkness spreads, and the entire human family structure starts looking like a closed-circle Utah genealogy chart.

Church Teachings: [00:55:31]
Abish pulled apart how LDS doctrine diverges sharply from Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Islamic readings of Cain and Abel. Instead of the usual ambiguity about why Cain’s offering failed, Mormonism declares — with the certainty of a bishop who’s never read any other scripture — that Cain lacked faith, lacked sincerity, lacked righteousness, and possibly lacked good produce. Other traditions debate symbolism; Mormonism insists it was an obedience test with Jesus foreshadowing baked in.

She outlined the uniquely Mormon additions: Satan personally tutors Cain in Evil 101, the introduction of Master Mahan as the prototype of all future “secret combinations,” and the idea that organized global evil can be traced directly to Cain’s LinkedIn job title. Abish also highlighted how LDS materials have canonized Cain’s curse, his “mark,” and his role as the template for apostasy itself. And then, because this is GASP, she delivered the pièce de résistance: Master Mahan as a Joe Smith original, referenced twice in scripture and then never again, like a catchphrase from a failed 1830s sitcom.

History: [01:18:20]
Abigail kicked off a multi-week descent into the Satanic Panic, starting with the cultural soup of the 60s–80s: horror movies, the rise of the Religious Right, pop psychology’s obsession with “unlocking your inner trauma,” and the widespread misuse of hypnosis by therapists who should absolutely not have been allowed to possess clipboar

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