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With Abish out sick (may she recover swiftly from her bout with “consumption”), Abigail steps in for the drink segment. The result? A potent surprise called The Fool’s Inheritance, inspired by fool’s gold, disappointment, and the inevitable letdown of spiritual get-rich-quick schemes. This martini-shaped sucker punch features bourbon, elderflower liqueur, a whisper of lemon juice (we're working with scraps), peach puree syrup, Angostura bitters, and is topped with soda water and edible gold dust. It tastes like broken promises and regret, but with sparkles.

Naturally, this led to a full-blown discussion on apocalypse baking, sodium bicarbonate mining in Utah, and how the Salt Flats will one day power the birthday cake industry after civilization collapses. Truly, it’s like Doomsday Preppers meets Chopped.

Scriptures: D&C 110–112 – [00:19:38]
aaaAAAaaa takes us on a journey through D&C 110–112 with the interpretive lens of “drunk Uncle Joseph” slurring revelation to Thomas B. Marsh on the Kirtland Temple porch. In Section 110, Joseph and Oliver casually bump into Jesus, Moses, Elias, and Elijah in a divine relay of priesthood keys. Moses drops off the keys to gathering Israel, Elias hands over Abrahamic blessings, and Elijah gives them the spiritual equivalent of a family tree starter pack.

Then in Section 111, Joseph heads to Salem, MA to treasure hunt, only for God to go, “Surprise! The real treasure is the friends you made along the way.” Classic bait-and-switch revelation.

By the time we hit Section 112, aaaAAAaaa introduces a drinking game: guess whether a quote is from scripture or just his notes being unhinged. The line is blurry, the vibe is feral, and everything somehow ends with a warning about Billy running his mouth again.

Church Teachings: [00:40:13]
Moroni starts by detouring into a passionate breakdown of the electron transport chain, reminding everyone that real power comes from cellular respiration (take that, anti-science sentiment). Then he pivots hard into a fire-and-brimstone roast of Ezra Taft Benson, quoting him saying, “One of the chief means of misleading our youth and destroying the family unit is our educational institutions.” Moroni’s response: “I know all that biochemistry because of education, bitch.” Cue mic drop.

He critiques how Mormon leadership has historically villainized secular education while simultaneously depending on highly educated members to keep their theocratic bureaucracy afloat. Irony? Meet priesthood.

History: The Kingston Cooperative – [01:12:03]
Abigail closes out with the chilling saga of the Kingston Cooperative in Layton, Utah, an economic and religious fringe group that turned consecration into control. She unpacks how the Kingston clan structured their lives around a united order-like system—except with a hefty side of nepotism, child labor, and deeply questionable family dynamics.

From stockpiling assets to maintaining power through intermarriage, the Kingstons turned their religious offshoot into a dynasty that would make Brigham Young look like a socialist. Abigail, as always, brings the receipts and the horror, making it very clear that “The Fool’s Inheritance” could easily refer to anyone born into that mess.

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aaaAAAaaa rolls out the cocktail segment with “Theological Ventriloquism,” a drink as bizarre and on-brand as the name suggests. Made with pineapple rum, banana rum, blue curaçao, Sprite Zero and enough pineapple juice to drown your doubts, it’s as tropical as Joseph Smith’s theological gymnastics. Why the name? Because Section 109 of D&C is essentially God dictating a prayer to Joseph… to say back to God. It’s divine sock-puppetry at its finest. Along the way, we get drink banter, body horror from hormone fog and important updates on Pedro Pascal look-alike contests. You know, essentials.

Scriptures: [00:22:05]
Moroni dons the voice of Belle Gibson for a dramatic reading of D&C 108 and 109, breathing new, morally questionable life into the text. Section 108 is a divine pat on the head to Lyman Sherman, who just wanted to know his duties and got an affirmation sermon from God's mouthpiece instead. Section 109, the Kirtland Temple dedication, gets full Belle treatment—a breathy, mystical affirmation-fest complete with turmeric hugs and cosmic journaling. And yes, we ask the important questions, like whether coffee enemas are Word of Wisdom-approved (probably not, but they're loophole-adjacent).

Church Teachings: [00:41:55]
Abish pulls together a chaotic, glorious mishmash of masonic cosplay, temple dedication lore, and classic “was it Mormon or Masonic” trivia. We learn that the Kirtland Temple wasn’t just a building—it was spiritual Coachella: fire from heaven, angel sightings, people speaking in tongues, and maybe even a running fart. Saints had fasted themselves into delirium and dove into naked anointings and oil baths, all while Joseph played dress-up with Masonic rituals and tried to pass them off as revelation. There’s also a drinking game to test which weird rituals were OG Joseph and which were Freemason fanfic. Bonus: this all bankrupted the church. Cheers!

History: [01:04:18]
Abigail takes us deep into the chaotic writings of Ogden Kraut, the Z-list celebrity of fringe Mormonism and a man who churned out over 70 books of uncorrelated doctrine while living just outside the bounds of excommunication. She walks us through his prolific self-publishing, his homespun theology, and his posthumous status as a minor prophet among polygamists and prepper sects. From adam-god theology to anti-correlation rants, Ogden wrote like he was being chased by a deadline from Kolob. It’s a fascinating look at the kind of weird that correlation committees were invented to suppress.

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Moroni opens the episode with the “Govern-Mint Mojito”—a smoky, mint-heavy concoction that’s somehow both refreshing and authoritarian, much like the subject of today’s scripture. Packed with mezcal, crème de menthe, citrus, and ginger ale, it’s the cocktail equivalent of a hostile Church disciplinary council: intense, confusing, and liable to make you question your choices. The gang also swaps stories about being chronically online, catastrophically hormonal, and deeply disappointed by timekeeping systems. So, you know, standard vibes.

Scriptures: [00:20:46]
Abish takes us through D&C 107, which might be Joseph Smith’s most elaborate game of organizational Calvinball. We’re talking multiple priesthoods, multiple presidencies, and enough confusing titles to make a mid-tier corporate flowchart look elegant. The drinking game? Sip every time someone says “priesthood.” So by verse 3, you’re already repenting via Gatorade. Between Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Elmo trauma, and a special shoutout to Abby Cadabby’s tragic backstory, this segment has everything—including a fierce takedown of celestial nepotism.

Church Teachings: [00:53:23]
aaaAAAaaa drunkenly stumbles through the Church’s official teachings like a bishop trying to run ward council on NyQuil. D&C 107 is revealed to be a Frankenstein’s monster of earlier revelations and post-Science Camp promotions. The theme? Congratulations, you’ve been spiritually voluntold into leadership. No pay, no real authority—just vibes, responsibility, and an eternal line on your celestial LinkedIn. It’s the ecclesiastical equivalent of a company giving you a new title instead of a raise.

History: [01:22:05]
Abigail launches a brand new series on Mormon offshoot cults from the 60s and 70s, kicking off with the Dream Mine—aka the Relief Mine, aka Mormon Gold Rush 2: Electric Boogaloo. Enter John Hyrum Koyle, who claimed there was hidden gold in a Utah mountain that would save the Church from financial ruin. Spoiler: there’s no gold. But there are UFOs, ghosts, weather weapons, and a prophecy-powered pyramid scheme. It's like a Dan Brown novel had a baby with Prepper TikTok and baptized it in Spanish Fork.

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The gang welcomes back Claudia, who takes the wheel with this episode’s cocktail—though even she couldn’t settle on a name. It began as “Old Joe’s In-sip-ration” but somewhere along the way morphed into the more chaotic (and honestly more iconic) “Teeny Peeny Tini.” Whatever you call it, it’s peach vodka and peach juice shaken with wild abandon and garnished with raspberries, because we are nothing if not fancy. Claudia also shares a DoorDash horror story that involves $400 worth of food, a $47 tip, and zero actual delivery. The gang veers off into important Pringles analysis, the mechanics of beer can chicken, and straight pride parades (spoiler: nobody smiles and the flags are just laminated bigotry). By the time we finally roll into the scriptures, the room has already been spiritually and emotionally preheated.

Scriptures: [00:15:13]

aaaAAAaaa walks us through D&C sections 105 and 106, dragging us all back to Zion’s Camp—the LARP expedition to Missouri that God called off because, apparently, the Saints weren’t vibing hard enough. In true GASP fashion, we get a reading of the “scriptures according to vibes and post-ponents,” where God delays promises, blames the victims, and basically tells everyone to shut up and wait. aaaAAAaaa gives us peak satire with gems like “Suffer, therefore, until you learn, for I am not your kindergarten teacher, but your eternal emotional growth facilitator.” D&C 106 gets covered too, but let’s be real—it’s eight verses of filler.

Church Teachings: [00:36:16]

Moroni brings us a scorching takedown of the LDS Church’s classic excuse: “It’s all in God’s timing.” Starting with examples like the priesthood ban and moving through LGBTQ+ policies, the September Six, and Dallin H. Oaks’ greatest hits, this segment unpacks how divine delay conveniently shields leaders from accountability. The gang skewers the church’s habit of reframing harmful decisions as spiritual tests and celebrates such mental gymnastics with hypothetical Olympic medals. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder how many more “timetables” Oaks can squeeze into one devotional quote.

History: [00:57:00]

Abigail finishes things off by looking at the Correlation Committee—aka the Mormon Church’s in-house PR, theology, and vibes management team. She traces its bureaucratic grip on every part of modern Mormonism, from curriculum to conference talks to the sanitized doctrine we all love to hate. The history of how Bruce R. McConkie’s Mormon Doctrine was initially condemned and then quietly assimilated into correlated materials gets special attention. Turns out, when you can’t kill an idea, you just edit it into your manuals and act like you were on board the whole time. This one’s for the nerds who love a good flowchart of institutional control.

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This episode delivers a holy trinity of chaos: tithing-based cocktails, Joel and Ellie doing anti-capitalist scripture theater, and Abigail dragging Mormon Doctrine like it owes her money (because it does). Welcome to the episode where everyone realizes that “sacred stewardship” just means “give us your money, peasant,” but with more mezcal.

aaaAAAaa opens the episode with Tithe Hard, a smoky, almondy concoction meant to capture the “voluntary redistribution” vibes of D&C 104. It’s mezcal meets amaretto, lemon, simple syrup, and bitters—shaken and garnished with a chocolate coin that screams “render unto Caesar but keep the receipt.”

He gives us a quick breakdown of the drink’s inspiration (United Order cosplay) and shares that you’re supposed to say “Welcome to Zion, pal” when you garnish. Die Hard meets consecration. It’s perfect for sipping while your ward building collapses into financial despair.

Scriptures: [00:24:48]
Moroni brings the scripture segment and opens with an electrifying anthem about the electron transport chain, because obviously. “Pump That Chain (ATP on the Floor)” is a biological banger and probably the only club track where cytochrome C gets name-dropped. Ten out of ten protons.

Then, he digs into D&C 104, which is basically God’s attempt at running a communal startup (spoiler: it fails). This section is the dissolution of the United Order, rebranded with a fresh spreadsheet and a lot of talk about stewardship. God divides up property like He’s on Shark Tank, says “don’t mess this up,” and demands that any surplus go to the poor. In theory, it’s Christian communism. In practice, it’s Joseph Smith giving himself a mansion.

Moroni tells the story Last of Us-style, casting Joel and Ellie as scripture commentators and transforming the whole thing into a post-apocalyptic anti-capitalist fireside. It is sincerely better than 90% of church lessons you’ve ever had. And no, he didn’t jack off in a 747. Probably.

Church Teachings: [00:37:58]
Abish takes on how the modern church teaches (and distorts) D&C 104. She calls it “God’s original business plan” before He apparently outsourced everything to Ensign Peak Advisors. Originally, it was all about collective stewardship and helping the poor. Today? Not so much.

She absolutely roasts the $100–300 billion hoard the church is sitting on while Salt Lake’s homeless population is getting pushed around and starving. Meanwhile, the temples get two baptistries, gold leaf, and ceilings high enough to echo your spiritual disillusionment. She skewers the way tithing has turned into a subscription fee for salvation, complete with zero transparency, and the transformation of welfare programs into PR opportunities with strings attached. Somewhere, Jesus is flipping over the dessert bar at City Creek.

History: [00:59:19]
Abigail cracks open the cursed tome that is Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McDonkey—and yes, she reads it with the disdain of someone who’s just found out their ex wrote a manifesto. She focuses on the ways McConkie’s book cemented orthodoxy, defined generational trauma, and poisoned the church’s teaching well for decades.

This book, which wasn’t officially doctrine but was sold in every Deseret Book and quoted like it was scripture, contains gems like “see Mormons: Latter-day Saints” (a Satanic victory, according to Abigail). It promote

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This episode is fueled by espresso, overproof rum, and a deep, righteous need for vengeance—so basically, a typical Tuesday in Zion. With Moroni off, the trio powers through two sections of D&C, a crash course in Zion’s Camp gaslighting, and a takedown of the original CES overlord: David O. McKay.

Scriptures & Drink: [00:00:00]

Abish combines the scriptures segment with the drink this week in a cocktail/scripture mashup worthy of a Fast & Furious title screen. Her drink, the Fasting & Furious, is a chaotic espresso + rum situation garnished with a mini donut and flavored with rage, cayenne, and maple syrup. It’s perfect for fasting, drag racing, or facing your disciplinary council.

She covers D&C 102, which lays out the spiritual court system: a high council of 12 high priests and a process for towing the souls of transgressors back onto the covenant freeway. It’s equal parts “redemption tribunal” and “pit crew diagnostic.” Then she skids into D&C 103, where Joseph receives revelation to redeem Zion—not with angels or divine power, but by forming a holy militia and walking across Missouri with bad shoes and worse hydration. Enter: Zion’s Camp where God lets them suffer for “growth,” 14 people die of cholera, and nothing is redeemed.

Church Teachings: [00:22:57]

aaaAAAaa takes on the Church’s retelling of Zion’s Camp and the modern high council. He explains how this “march of obedience” is framed as a divine leadership boot camp—even though it was a 900-mile fail parade that ended in diarrhea, mutiny, and a weird dog-related death threat. Highlights include Brigham Young saying it was worth more than all the wealth of Geauga County and Joseph Smith threatening to whip a guy if he hurt his dog. God apparently needed everyone to suffer so he could build an apostolic internship program.

Modern takes on the high council don’t get off easy either. They’ve gone from deciding excommunications to being the sleep paralysis demons of sacrament meeting: 12 guys giving uninspired talks with PowerPoints and khaki testimony energy.

History: [00:49:14]

Abigail wraps things up with a full-body cringe as she introduces us to David O. McKay, the Colonel Sanders of prophets. Born in the Utah Territory and orphaned by manhood at 8 years old (thanks to dead sisters and a mission-bound father), McKay grew up fast and polished—emphasis on polished. He became the church’s PR king, responsible for pushing CES, seminary, and the culture of “be educated, but only if you’re still obedient.”

She covers his long presidency (1951–1970), his deeply conflicted record on civil rights (he cried over a biracial couple but still withheld priesthood), and the church’s ridiculous mythologizing of him “sensing danger” on a volcano in Hawaii. Did he save a tour group from certain lava death? No. But did he wear a starched white suit while pretending to? Probably.

Also? He looked exactly like Colonel Sanders. You cannot unsee it.

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This week, the crew is drinking the Suffering Bastard (actual name, not just a guest host’s temple name)—a bourbon- and gin-forward ginger ale cocktail chosen by Moroni to match the saintly suffering in D&C 101. While Abigail recovers from passing a very spoinky kidney stone (RIP, Fucko), everyone reflects on party planning trauma, chaotic balloon arches, and whether it’s worse to have a birthday meltdown or be a 19th-century prophet with zoning issues. The drink is bold, spicy-adjacent (ginger ale), and layered—much like this episode.

Scriptures: [00:28:35]

aaaAAAaa drags us headlong through D&C 101, a 101-verse fever dream of persecution, barbecue-themed vengeance, and one extremely cursed parable about a vineyard full of olive trees (which is horticulturally incorrect, by the way). Joseph blames the saints’ suffering on their “transgressions” and then promises restoration, land-buying sprees, and divine hibachi justice. The bizarre parable involves a nobleman (read: God) who tells his servants (read: the saints) to build a tower. They don’t. Everything gets wrecked. God throws a tantrum. Moral of the story: always build the damn tower, even if the HOA is being a jerk about it. Bonus fun: God talks about his “bowels being stirred with mercy,” which is medically concerning.

Church Teachings: [00:44:35]

Abish breaks down what the church teaches about the U.S. Constitution, as referenced in verses 77–80 of D&C 101 (Mormons believe the Constitution is divinely inspired). And by “divinely inspired,” we mean Jesus apparently ghostwrote it between verses. Abish pulls receipts from talks by Dallin H. Oaks, Robert D. Hales, and the ghost of Ezra Taft Benson, all of whom treat the Constitution like scripture with a bald eagle watermark. But if religious freedom is so important, why are so many Utah Mormons riding the Trump train into fascist territory? This segment swings between optimism and unhinged rage as the crew points out the obvious hypocrisy: you can’t both worship freedom and back authoritarianism. You also can’t condemn coffee sippers while cheering on insurrectionists. Pick a lane, Saints.

History: [00:59:07]

Abigail brings us Saints of Tomorrow, Part 3: Cold War, Cold Storage, and it’s a banger. This week’s theme? Prepping, paranoia, and prophetic pantry advice. We dive into how LDS leaders like J. Reuben Clark turned Cold War anxieties into religious mandates about food storage, constitutional reverence, and the righteous stockpiling of wheat. Turns out Mormonism loved the Cold War, because nothing says “Second Coming” like atomic fire and powdered potatoes. We hear how food storage went from practical aid (shoutout Heber J. Grant and the original church welfare program) to a moral litmus test—if you don’t have a bucket of potato pearls in your basement, are you even exalted? Abigail also traces how that ever-popular “Constitution hanging by a thread” prophecy seeped from apocryphal LDS doctrine into MAGA talking points. It’s all wrapped up in equal parts nuclear dread, retro furniture lust, and Mormon doomsday horniness. Truly iconic.

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In this post-Japan-return episode, the GASP crew reunites to tackle the surprisingly sci-fi undertones of D&C 99–100, with aaaAAAaa leading the charge and introducing the week’s cocktail, Dust Off Doctrine—a cyanide-adjacent stunner of rum, amaretto, lime, and missed bitters. They discuss the delicate chemistry of death (literally—there's a whole ATP/morphine science tangent), traumatizing robot-themed restaurant visits, and the ongoing battle between good cocktails and bad callings. Bonus: Abigail may or may not have been in the ER earlier that day. She rallied anyway. Icon behavior.

Scriptures: [00:44:04]
Abish kicks off the scriptures segment with a raw, unfiltered read of D&C 99 and 100, describing it as a "rawdog" approach—no prep, just vibes and trauma. We meet poor John Murdoch, who was called on a mission and told to abandon his newly motherless children so he could preach the gospel in the “eastern countries.” Joseph and Sydney Rigdon, meanwhile, are also off doing missionary things and getting reassured by the Lord that their families are “in His hands” (translation: God’s got this, don’t call home). The GASP team explores the callous way early church leadership used “God’s will” to guilt fathers into abandoning their children and how foot-washing gets weirdly vengeful. There’s also speculation about where exactly these secret foot spa locations might be.

Church Teachings: [01:04:18]
Moroni deep-dives into the holy hypocrisy of a church that proclaims “Families are Forever,” but routinely asks members to ghost their own kids for Jesus. Drawing from General Conference talks and the lives of early church leaders, the segment traces how the church justifies family abandonment as a virtue—especially if you're a bishop, a missionary, or a teenager pressured into that high-demand life. Elder Holland and Dallin H. Oaks make appearances, not to apologize, but to affirm that sacrifice (including maybe your grandpa’s last few months of life) is the price of celestial glory. The GASP crew doesn’t hold back, roasting the exploitative time demands, absurd callings like “ward birthday coordinator,” and the crushing guilt levied on people just trying to spend time with their kids. Shoutout to musical taste as a stolen inheritance.

History: [01:31:30]
Abigail begins her Saints of Tomorrow miniseries with Part 2: Mormons in Space. From Brigham Young’s desire to colonize the cosmos to CES manuals encouraging kids to dream of their own planets, she explores the thoroughly literal belief in interplanetary inheritance that pulsed through mid-20th century Mormon doctrine. Strap in for Kolob charts, speculative space math, and quotes from Joseph Fielding Smith and Parley P. Pratt that confirm: yes, Mormonism once thought Star Trek was destiny. She also skewers modern efforts to walk back this theology and grieves the loss of the one mildly cool thing Mormons used to believe. Katy Perry’s fake space flight makes an unfortunate cameo, as does Abish’s rage toward a certain red monster from Sesame Street. Finally, she highlights LDS scientist Henry Eyring (Sr.)—a chemist who embraced evolution, helped modern chemistry advance, and still somehow stayed LDS. Unlike outer space, Mormon logic continues to defy exploration.

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