What conclusion awaits us at the end of this thrilling chapter? Something trivial that will tie everything up way too nicely despite all the questions and remaining answers and issues are directly in front of our literal fingertips, right? No, again, no inbred, redneck melon-heads. No old, garden variety homeless people. Just Grimes. Just a big old bitch of a stone statue. The possibilities have been emptied with Ramses Vanderslice on today’s episode and as we come to an end, I can’t help but think that this is just Borrasca V all over again. This one just kinda ends out of nowhere for lack of circumstantial reasons, just like my relationship with my previously mentioned ex-girlfriend. I’m not gonna say it sucks. It doesn’t suck as bad as the last one. It’s hard to think that the same person who wrote part one and also wrote parts two and three, but here we are. I’m sure part three was thought up before part two was because it just moves better and tries its damndest to answer questions left by chapter one, but like… not in a great way. If you ask me, she should’ve just stayed home or moved on with her life after part one. This didn’t need a sequel. It’s like Prometheus or Alien Covenant. The Xenomorph is scarier when it’s not explained, just like Grimes. Stop milking Grimes. Let Grimes rest.

Death of Deepwoods, PA(17:04)

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What mysteries lie in the fictional town of Lannenberg(burg?) Pennsylvania? Who knows because it doesn’t actually exist and I’m confused as to why this is a plot point when it could have just taken place in Harrisburg. No inbred, redneck melon-heads. No old, garden variety homeless people. But yes, yes, a giant demon statue made of stone and sin called Metar- I mean -GRIMBUS. The possibilities are narrowing with Ramses Vanderslice on today’s episode and as the chapters go on, my hope dwindles further, just like my previously mentioned ex-girlfriend. This one sucks, and not in the same way and not in a good way. Why does this chapter exist - ah, yes - to pad the plot of what the next part is because that was clearly thought up before this part was. Huzzah. Mystery solved. Why is our character motivated to this degree? Who knows. Trauma apparently works that way, says the author, but Trauma don’t work that way says me - but I’m not an author, I’m just some asshole online. Enjoy!

Return to Deepwoods, PA(41:50)

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What mysteries lie deep in the woods of Pennsylvania. Inbred, redneck melon-heads? Regular old, garden variety homeless people? A giant demon statue made of stone and sin? The possibilities are endless here on Lotsa Pasta with our guest Ramses Vanderslice. I know we last had a really silly Halloween but Ramses is back to get into a multi-chapter story with me this time, reminiscent of our time checking out The Showers and I do mean THE Showers and not just any old shower. Go listen to those two episodes if you don’t believe me. They’re good! This one, also good! The restraint with chapter one or The Lost Town section of Deepwoods, PA is very entertaining. Let’s just see if the author can keep it up. Sounds like something my ex girlfriend used to say. Alls well that ends well, right? WRONG - never go in the secret basement hatch inscribed with latin. NEVER. Just like my ex-girlfriend’s place.

The Lost Town of Deepwoods, PA(34:12)

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Cannibal Siren and I are on another level today. We’re operating on a whole other spectrum. An AUTISTIC spectrum. No, not really. We just got that synergy going on. Oh, I mean, SINergy. Right, cause we both full of that godly No-No. What’s more in style with the kids now-a-days, being all shitty and stupid or being reliable and respectful. That’s not a question for a reason, we know the answer. Get to it, folks. We’re here reading a couple short stories from NoSleep because we would rather spend time NOT recording with one another. This isn’t the last time we’ll see Cannibal, in fact, I hear from her every week, but it is the last time I’ll see her IRL for a while, so this was happy time to spend with her. And her cats. It was a good time.

My Sugar Daddy Asks Me for Weird Favors(48:05)

The Limping Woman(1:09:26)

My Student Submitted the Most Disturbing “Living History” Project I’ve Ever Seen(1:24:54)

Something Happened 63 Years Ago That’s Haunted Me my Entire Life. I’ve Never Told Anyone About It - Until Now(1:44:55)

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We’re back in the kingdom of HO-HOs and Lititz, PA. Yes, that’s right, the SOFA Kingdom, to be exact. This time, joined by the royal family as Sofa Queen also joins us on spectator duty while the King and I have our jolly time. That being said, these stories were random as all hell but also fun as all hell and I blame all of that on Sofa King - he’s just that kinda guy. He read through my list, he checked it twice, he found these ones to be the weirdest and I’m just along for the ride. The same way you’re along for the ride. Well, not the EXACT same, but you get my point. Buckle in - we’re going places. Are they fun places? Not really. They’re dangerous and weird. But we’re INTO that. RIGHT? Right.

10 Years as an Escort and this was Not in my Job Description(40:53)

I Found a USB Stick AKA The Long Face(1:10:29)

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I meant to sing a little song to Scutch when I saw him a couple months ago and recorded this episode but I forgot. Of course, it’s because I got too drunk and because I was too excited to talk to him about Game of Thrones and Aliens. You know, the usual. Why wouldn’t I be excited about that, Scutch is one of my favorite people on the show because of his life experience and perspective on things and talking to people about Aliens(and Game of Thrones) tells you a lot about a person; Like, for example, if they suck or not. As you know or as you’re about to see, neither myself nor Scutch MacGee suck. We’re realistic and fun and think that Game of Thrones was ruined by two directors and their egos and that aliens absolutely exist and we’re just here for it. Any aspect of it, really. We’re here for all the tall and short fuckers out there as long as they’re spying on us, keeping us in check on a galactic level, and not being overtly weird about it. That would be hella awkward. We might actually care, then. Good thing we don’t. Good thing we care MORE about how much Game of Thrones sucks than about the existence of other life forms being 100% confirmed by our government. Yeah, that checks out. Here’s some stories:

A Mist Between Blue and Grey(1:29:47)

This is Not a Place of Honor(1:41:04)

The Real Reason my Husband Shot Himself(1:55:58)

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The Deputy is back and he killed the Sheriff himself. What more need be said? A lot, I suppose. Join us for some NIGHT SWIM and join us for some more hard-boiled cops that play by the rules. No, nothing weird about that. Totally by-the-books procedural here. Nothing out of the ordinary going on. Just regular old story-time with Grandpa. Definitely no nightmare inspiring unsolved mysteries here. Definitely nothing that’s managed to haunt this old man until his final days. Definitely no dead kids, either. Who’s asking? Really? No, seriously. Now I’m concerned. There’s nothing wrong with Grandpa OR his stories, okay? Now, tuck in for night-night, drink your glass of warm milk, and open up your butt, cause we’re coming in.

My Grandpa, a Retired Homicide Detective, just Told Me the Case that still Keeps Him Up at Night(24:34)

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