Adam is 930, everything hurts, and Seth wants a definition of “pain.” (Spoiler: nobody has one.) While the angels step out for a worship break, the Adversary clocks in and Eve gets blamed for…well, everything, again. The hosts roast the logic of angelic babysitters who take a coffee break right when the talking snake shows up, and we head down a rabbit hole of “divine consequences” that read more like management malpractice than cosmic justice.

Then it’s a side-quest worthy of a RPG: Eve and Seth trek toward Paradise to beg for a drop of the Oil of Mercy for Adam’s aches, only to get ambushed by a serpent that bites Seth; until Seth tells it off like a bouncer at closing time. Enter Michael the Archangel, who basically says, “no oil for you… for 5,500 years,” because prophecy.

The episode skewers the late-stage editorial stuffing where the text fast-forwards from Adam’s death to Queen of Sheba lore and a miraculous branch that somehow becomes the very wood of the Cross—a tidy bow, if your favorite genre is retroactive foreshadowing.

We close with Adam’s burial, a celestial brass section of angels, Eve’s four-day funeral (Adam got seven, cool cool), and the “make two tablets, stone and clay, so at least one survives” disaster-prep tip. It’s equal parts myth, patchwork theology, and sitcom timing; perfect for a snarky breakdown you didn’t know you needed. Listen, laugh, and question why divine timelines always come with fine print.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Angel PTO: Guardians leave to worship; snake immediately clocks in... what could go wrong?
• Seth vs. Serpent: a bite, a rebuke, and a miraculous un-bite.
• Oil of Mercy on backorder for 5,500 years. Divine customer service is…not great.
• Adam dies at 930; seven days of cosmic blackout drama.
• The legend of the branch: from Adam’s grave to Solomon to Sheba to Calvary, prophecy speed-run.
• Eve’s funeral math: four days only, says Michael; also, make duplicate apocalypse-proof tablets.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“You can’t describe something by using the same fucking word. That’s not how you do it.”

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We pick up where things got gloriously unhinged: Eve gives birth and the kid stands up and sprints off like the Gingerbread Man. Yes, still canon in this wild text. From there, the hosts unpack why the scene mentions “twelve angels and two virtues” (no, not moral traits—an angelic rank), then riff on hierarchy, bowing, and celestial office politics. It’s irreverent, nerdy, and exactly the kind of Pseudepigrapha detour we live for.

Adam then launches into a sweeping prophecy dump—Temple, dispersion, rinse, repeat—while Michael taps the water with a rod and freezes it like he’s cosplaying Elsa to shuttle Adam around. Meanwhile, Seth volunteers to go beg at the Garden gate for fruit (again), and the roomful of Adam’s descendants—25,000 men—collectively struggle with the concept of… pain. (“What is pain, Father? I am ignorant.” Same, buddy.)

Along the way, the hosts call out the text’s women-are-the-problem vibe, the backfilled “prophecies,” and the sheer comedy of a thousand-year-old patriarch lecturing his gigantically multiplied brood about mortality while they propose “get more forbidden fruit” as a pain management plan. Peak Bible logic.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Sprinting baby Cain hands Mom a blade of grass—because sure, why not.
• What “virtues” actually are (angel ranks, not good habits).
• Michael’s freeze-spell water bridge and Adam’s prophecy monologue.
• 25,000 sons assemble; still no one knows what pain is.
• Seth’s “uh, want me to get forbidden fruit again?” plan.
• The text’s misogyny and the hosts’ eye-rolls at angelic chain-of-command.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Remember she had the baby and it got up and ran away.”

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Vita Adae et Evae

We crack open the Latin version of Vita Adae et Evae (aka The Life of Adam and Eve)—a pseudepigrapha text pinned to Moses long after the fact—and immediately trip over multiple editions, from Greek to Armenian, because of course the Bible multiverse needed DLC. We’re reading the English translation of the Latin because it’s the most readable for non-scholars who still want the tea without the footnote hangover.

Chapters 1–21 deliver premium chaos: Adam and Eve spend a week not eating (apparently “full apple” is a superfood?) then embark on a hunger strike because post-Eden snacks are “animal food.” Adam contemplates “angelic food,” Eve contemplates… death, and we contemplate how anyone survived the Bronze Age with this decision-making. Meanwhile, Satan (Sir Sneckles, if you’re nasty) explains his villain origin story: he refused to worship Adam per Michael’s command, got demoted from five-star-heaven to Best Western hell-adjacent, and decided petty revenge was the vibe. Honestly? It reads like a celestial HR dispute.

We also skewer the text’s sexism—as Eve gets painted dramatic-for-plot while Adam whines about losing his divine DoorDash—and we roast God’s third-person management style. Then we cap the night with housekeeping: yes, this is a multi-parter (57 micro-chapters!), and yes, we record live on Discord every Tuesday at 10pm ET—come heckle us in real time.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Which version are we even reading? Why Latin > Greek (this time) for sanity’s sake.
• Pseudepigrapha 101: “Moses wrote it” … sure, Jan.
• Satan’s grievance: “I’m not worshiping Dirt Man.” (Michael says “do it,” Satan says “nah.”)
• Hunger Games, Eden Edition: Two weeks without food because Olive Garden ≠ McDonald’s.
• Eve as scapegoat, again: We side-eye the blame-shifting and point out Adam had the instructions too.
• Discord Live Tuesdays @ 10pm ET: Come correct our pronunciations and roast along.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

Follow along with us here:

https://onthewaytoithaca.wordpress.com/apocrypha-collection/vita-adae-et-evae-en/

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Your favorite godless duo kicks off a new arc by shoving Genesis back under the microscope—then gleefully coloring outside the canonical lines. We define Apocrypha (the “hidden/secret” stuff) and Pseudepigrapha (the “falsely attributed” stuff) before diving into why so much juicy lore lives outside the official cut. Think origin-story patch notes: second-Temple authors, bonus angels, Satan cameos, and the ultimate “deleted scenes” energy. (Also, yes, someone says they’re never reading the Old Testament again. Mood.)

From there, we zoom into Genesis 1–11—creation, exile, murder, flood, and that adorable language-collapse at Babel—and tee up the apocryphal expansions that try to make the whiplash timelines…you know, make sense. Enter The Life of Adam and Eve (aka the Apocalypse of Moses) with grief, fasting, angelic burials, and Eve’s own post-Eden testimony; plus the hosts call it what it is: Bible fan fiction—and they mean that as a compliment.

Then it’s a roll call for the “extras” you were never taught: 1 Enoch / 2 Enoch, Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs, and the sprawling Book of Jubilees that basically retells Genesis and chunks of Exodus—because of course it does. Strap in; we’re mapping the timeline, roasting the canon, and promising to actually read some of these wild texts next. Listen now, bring your rage, and bring a friend.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Apocrypha vs. Pseudepigrapha—what’s “hidden,” what’s “faked,” and why it matters
• Genesis 1–11 speedrun: creation, exile, Cain & Abel, the Flood, Babel
• The Life of Adam and Eve (Apocalypse of Moses)—Eve’s POV, angel funerals, cosmic guilt
• Why Enoch keeps showing up in everyone’s theology like a mysterious uncle with visions
• Jubilees and Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs—when ancient editors couldn’t stop “fixing” Genesis
• The hosts’ thesis: apocrypha = context, color, and all the inconvenient bits your pastor glossed over

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

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This week we ditch the Apocrypha to confront the political cyclone around Charlie Kirk’s killing—and the even uglier spin machine that followed. The episode opens with a scorching montage of right-wing grievance and Bible-thumping clobber verses (yes, the “abomination” greatest hits), setting the stage for how faith is weaponized to police gender, empathy, and civil rights. The hosts are crystal clear: murder is not okay, full stop, and the shooter is a terrible person. The real conversation is what comes next—how power turns tragedy into propaganda and demands obedience.

From there, we unpack the rush to canonize Kirk—right down to talk of a Medal of Freedom—and why that’s a grotesque rewrite of who he actually was and what he said. We also dig into why receipts are suddenly hard to find (thanks, algorithms), and why acknowledging his hateful rhetoric does not imply he “had it coming.” When Trump and Vance start floating vague “crackdowns” and even National Guard deployments, the show calls it what it is: creeping authoritarianism that feeds on martyrdom and demands a public enemy.

Finally, the hosts hit first principles: secular democracy means no church-state fusion (despite the Right’s confident fiction that separation is “made up”), and “religious freedom” isn’t the freedom to impose your denomination on everyone else. If America becomes “Charlie Kirk’s America,” they argue, we’ve already lost the plot. The answer isn’t violence; it’s showing up, speaking out, and refusing to let propaganda define reality.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Montage of Trump/Kirk/Miller + Bible clobber verses used as political cudgels.
• “Violence isn’t the answer,” mental health, and sane gun policy—without the culture-war fog.
• The Medal of Freedom talk and why instant canonization is propaganda, not mourning.
• How search results bury Kirk’s own words—and why pointing to them isn’t “justifying” the shooting.
• “No separation of church and state”? The Right’s favorite myth, debunked.
• Talk of “crackdowns,” National Guard deployments, and the authoritarian vibe check.
• Why making a martyr is the point—and why democracy suffocates under that narrative.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“But he’s a piece of shit. But murder’s not good.”

——

If you like what you heard (or hated it in the right way), support our blasphemy on Patreon and don’t forget to join our cult—uh, community—on Discord.

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Cue the confetti: we officially wrapped the Old Testament—and yes, we took a moment of celebratory silence (not prayer… obviously) before plotting what’s next. This one’s an on-air planning sesh where we celebrate the milestone and lay out how we’ll untangle the Bible’s utterly bonkers ordering—because the OT you grew up with is the same content as the Hebrew Bible, just shuffled by theology and tradition rather than history.

We break down Tanakh = Torah + Nevi’im + Ketuvim (law, prophets, writings) and how that structure differs from the Christian OT flow—and why Christians deliberately ordered theirs to “bridge to Jesus.” Translation: editorial choices > chronology. We also map the extra books many folks never read—Tobit, Judith, Wisdom, Sirach, Baruch, 1–2 Maccabees (plus add-ons to Daniel & Esther), with Orthodox flavors like 3 Maccabees and an extra Psalm—before we decide how to slot them along a sane historical timeline.

The plan: start next week with a tight Pentateuch timeline pass (Genesis, Job, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy), then keep marching chronologically while weaving in the Apocrypha where it actually belongs. Minimal recap, maximum clarity, and yes—“chronology next week.”

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC (Tues 10pm ET live taping—come roast with us)

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Finishing the Old Testament and why we’re not sprinting into the NT just yet.
• Tanakh 101: Torah / Nevi’im / Ketuvim and why order ≠ history.
• Deuterocanon/Apocrypha adds (Tobit → 3 Maccabees) and where they’ll land in our timeline.
• Chronology fix: placing Judges/Kings/Chronicles without whiplash.
• Next steps: Pentateuch flyover to kick off the series.
• Community notes: live on Discord Tuesdays; Patreon boosts our pace.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Y' all made such a mess of this Bible. Omg. I have to come in here and clean this up now.”

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

📝 Episode Summary:

Five years, countless smitings, and one accidental Rickroll later, we’ve officially finished the Old Testament—and we’re sending Malachi off with a bang (and a Bon Jovi cameo). In this wrap-up special, the hosts dig into the so-called “minor prophet” who might not even be real—spoiler: Malachi probably isn’t a name at all, just a title meaning my messenger. Some traditions even say it was Ezra moonlighting under a pseudonym, which explains the constant ranting about corrupt priests and men ditching their Jewish wives for “dirty foreign pagans.” Nothing like ending the OT with a combo of slut-shaming, tithe-shaking, and theological identity theft.

The fun doesn’t stop there. We roll straight into a pop quiz (Discord cheats included), where the “right” answers are as fuzzy as God’s love for Jacob over Esau. Then it’s contradiction-palooza: does God hate divorce or just interfaith hookups? Does He curse the earth or pinky-promise never again? Is slavery totally fine—or a sin He forgot to enforce until Leviticus had a rewrite? And the kicker: does God get tired, or does He just “rest dramatically” on the seventh day? By the end, Yahweh looks less like a deity and more like Trump with smiting powers—grumpy, self-contradictory, and perpetually surrounded by yes-men.

If you thought Malachi was a neat bow on the OT, think again—it’s more like duct tape on a dumpster fire. But hey, we survived it, and next up: extracurriculars like Maccabees and Dead Sea Scroll weirdness before diving face-first into Matthew.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Malachi = Ezra? Prophet, priest, or just “Steve”?
• God hates divorce… but only when it messes up the family tree.
• The only time Yahweh says “test me”—and it’s about tithes.
• Priestly corruption, pagan wives, and holy gaslighting.
• Contradictions galore: slavery, curses, divine temper tantrums.
• Yahweh vs. Trump: spot the difference (hint: there isn’t one).
• OT finale plans: Maccabees, Apocrypha, and extracurricular blasphemy.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Always go with the penis. Penis is always the answer. Eat a dick. Always eat a dick.”

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📝 Episode Summary:

We did it—five years, countless smitings, and more divine mood swings than a soap opera marathon—and Malachi 4 finally drags the Old Testament across the finish line. The chapter itself? A tiny four-verse fireball where God promises the wicked will be torched into stubble while the righteous get to skip around like fattened calves (yes, that’s really the image). Nothing says “holy finale” like frolicking over the ashes of your enemies.

Of course, Yahweh can’t resist dangling one last prophecy teaser: Elijah will come back before the “great and dreadful day of the Lord” to set everyone straight. Spoiler: that cliffhanger gets milked hard in the New Testament. The hosts gleefully roast the whole thing—poking at God’s PR problem of making his faithful look like psychotic ash-dancers, asking why divine justice always comes packaged as mass arson, and wondering if Yahweh’s really just rebranding genocide as “targeted strikes.”

Naturally, there’s plenty of digression—booze, jokes, milestone cheers for finishing the OT, and a preview of what’s next: wrap-ups, apocrypha detours, Dead Sea Scroll cameos, and a well-deserved breather before we crack into Matthew. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations—you’ve officially survived God’s longest guilt trip.

👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com

👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC

👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse

📌 Topics Covered:

• Frolicking calves vs. crispy corpses: Yahweh’s final object lesson
• Elijah cameo: Old Testament post-credits scene
• Divine justice or petty cosmic arson?
• Righteous trampling ashes ≠ a good look for God’s brand
• The hosts celebrate five years of OT snark and survival
• Coming attractions: Maccabees, Dead Sea Scrolls, and “You’re Always Wrong” wrap-ups

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Anytime you’ve got people dancing on people’s ashes…not a good look.”

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.