This week we are avoiding squeaky carts in public bathrooms while we discuss “Badlaa”! We’re talking Doggett’s ever-deepening New Yahk accent, how Scully is always late to the scene because she has to exchange insurance information with all the cars she’s hit, sloppy vampires, how Scully is terrified at being the believer, that Skinner would make a great test proctor, and how it only took us ten episodes to create an absolutely unrecognizable version of Doggett in our minds. Gemini King Skinner took at least two seasons to develop. We admire Chuck’s luscious 70s locks, suspect that Mulder may have Gone Guy’d himself, puzzle over the plot for a while, wonder where Chuck’s journey takes him after this, wonder if Doggett is planning a bachelor party, and wonder how long it took Scully to clean out that alien mug. Also, we’re flipping over our factory sign: 0 Days Since Scully Shot a Kid.

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This week we are turning into some kind of metal man while we discuss “Salvage”! We’re talking why you can’t blame everything on Gulf War Syndrome, how Doggett gets scared when Scully starts talking about the paranormal, our favorite extra who gets a little scared of a stick, how you have to shave lest you turn into a metal Chia Pet, and Doggett’s Boy Scout knife. We point out how much it would suck to get your head bowling ball’d, the truly bizarre pro-corrupt business practices stance this episode takes, how Doggett is immune to metal disease, and wonder why Scully has gotten nothing to do practically all season. The only thing deeper than Scully’s neurosis about sharing her emotions is Doggett’s New Yahk accent.

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This week we are staring through walls to look at Hollywood rats while we discuss “Surekill”! We’re talking Terence O’Hara and his telescoping eyes, maybe settle on a supremely-silly team name for Doggett and Scully, boo at Uncle Jack’s appearance, talk about the importance of having an attack child on your side, the real story of Howard Gordon’s departure, and how much Scully cares about safety first, but only for her. We note Doggett’s excitement over drug rip-offs, the exciting reappearance of Craddock Marine Bank, do some investigation to see if James Franco is in this one, shake our heads at Doggett’s anti-twin prejudice, and get really excited about a giant lighter for a while. Listen. Our joys are simple but sincere.

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This week we are reluctantly opening our third eyes while we discuss “Via Negativa”! We’re talking the excess of sleepy FBI agents in this episode, Doggett’s Golf Guys dropping like flies and how it’s starting to get a little suspicious, Skinner starting drama and Doggett weathering it, how Scully is in the hospital from the stress of being a believer, how much we love how much of a jerk Kersh is, and how after all these years The Lone Gunmen are still Mulder’s friends, not Scully’s. We get a little jump-scared by Doggett’s sad wet eyes, propose a team-up between the table slaw and the chili slide, talk about Skinner prepping for his New Year’s party, and how exciting it is that Scully is finally taking some PTO. There’s a first time for everything. Also, new tongue twister has just dropped: Agent Angus Stedman in a Stetson.

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This week we are moving backwards through time and learning valuable lessons while we discuss “Redrum”! We’re talking whether Doggett and Martin are Top Golf buddies, Gillian Anderson taking naps on that salmon plank between takes, whether lawyers are really allowed to be that sassy in the courtroom, Danny Trejo and the spider’s beautiful friendship, and what REALLY happened to Doggett’s son. We have a dramatic brain wave of memories of the SyFy show Eureka, we know Scully is delighted to be pulled out of bed in the middle of night just like old times, we wonder if Doggett would like Memento, and we note that there are a lotta wife guys on the writing team. Also: If I start moving backwards through time and have to attend a court hearing to see if I murdered my wife, just make sure I skip that freakin’ meeting.

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This week we are searching for little ghost boys and ignoring our second child while we discuss “Invocation”! We’re talking how only sad, wearied moms wear sweaters, the teacher penguin huddle, Doggett’s own Silly Science Corner moment, how Scully cares about proper procedure all of a sudden, how Ronnie’s favorite activities are leaving and arriving in his car, and how you just can’t go around bullying traumatized kids by stealing their beloved dinosaur backpacks. Doggett, you’re on thin ice. We spend a lot of time hating on the police psychic’s discount Shawn Spencer energy, but then make up for it with our love of the weird sheriff, note the ghost boy’s Tim Robinson energy, and say goodbye to Scully as she just kind of wanders off into the woods at the end of this episode. Bye, girl, we’ll miss you!

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This week we are avoiding slug-god cults in the desert while we discuss “Roadrunners”! We’re talking how sad it is that there’s unidentified goo around and nobody to lick it, ongoing developments with Doggett and his pull tab case, how Scully is really committed to keeping Mulder’s spirit alive by becoming Mulder, have a heated debate over whether burning to death or getting invaded by a slug parasite is a worse way to go, and enjoy how little Scully even bothers to pretend to believe these people. We propose a T-shirt idea of a banana slug making a little kissy face that says THE SECOND COMING, get sad that yet another state has been ruined for Scully, know in our hearts that Doggett would absolutely inhabit an Applebee’s, and note that it’s sad when a parasite god doesn’t even want you as a host. Also, if a creepy man in the desert says “We’re just trying to keep the modern world at bay”, RUN.

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This week we are dodging giant bat-creatures while we discuss “Patience”! We’re talking Doggett doing his best to horn in on the Flashlight X situation, spend a lot of time trying to figure out a team name for Scully and Doggett, boo Detective Misogyny, warn people away from the scentless phone warranty no matter how reasonably priced, and laugh at poor Scully who is being forced to become Mulder now. We cheer on Doggett and his special newspaper article, check the timetables for the bus to Bat Island, get excited that Scully is having her first experience with an actual coworker, and debate different ways to keep this bat-creature away.

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