Part Two of Two

TIMESTAMPS

Start -- The pragmatic way I consider relationships because of my parent’s divorce, the choice to prioritize stability and how to view chaos, adaptations to passivity through avoidance and intimidation – not everybody is a narcissist, never assume malice when ignorance is possible

9:30 – don’t expect anyone to back you before you’ve “made it”, the burden of uncertainty, self-fulfilling prophecies

16:50 – Inaction is worse than doing something and pissing people off, silence is complicity, Speaking your convictions is very different from performing them

20:30 – All you do is fail at the start, building something of your own, keep fucking going

21:50 – Hasan Minhaj’s Netflix Comedy Special, political discourse as an entertainer

27:30 – How to mitigate the way people get intimidated by me, the way I approach interacting with humans, it’s not my responsibility to read your mind

31:00 – Isaac’s WestPoint Military Ball Story including how he got his chest waxed in preparation of my arrival

41:28 – I’m back on team arranged marriage and this Israeli wrestler was notttttt

48:00 – being human means being able to express emotions, learning how to cope with your emotions

1:03:00 – My end goal is to be “content” every day, not “happy”, needing to vocalize the ways in which people help me more

1:12:00 – needing to interact more with people in real life, the difficulties of socialization and being psychoanalytical

1:15:15 – Living in the country versus living in the city and the way my character is perceived as a negative in the city

1:21:00 – “Insanity” is relative, everything is made up

1:34:30 – convoluted divorces and messy exits

Part One of Two for the first feature of Sir Isaac Williams, notable Aussie, owner of multiple passports, all around interesting human being

TIMESTAMPS

STARTS – Isaac’s Background/Cliff Notes version of his life, role models in our lives

17:15 – “I’m just happy to fuck things up, right out the gate”, Learning from experience and planning to encounter the unknown, Isaac recounts speaking to his biological brother for the first time in several years

24:10 – the subjectivity towards marijuana classification, Isaac’s struggles with moderation and his full-blown crystal meth addiction (involving daily use for ~3 years) that he has since been 7 years clean and sober from

38:40 – Isaac’s transition from smoking weed to other drugs, specifically beginning to dabble in mdma & pills of variety

44:40 – the way that talking/writing about addiction and how communication has changed the way people interact with me, how many people pulled social support from me

50:23 – The semantics of “Rock Bottom”, awakening your humanity

1:02:35 – A higher level of understanding, ft. Isaac and his biological brother’s first phone call in years, the way Isaac’s mother communicates with directly brutal honesty and how it is received, the story of Isaac’s childhood that his brother shared with him

1:09:40 – the fear over the position’s I take on a global platform that my family shares, the way emotional expression in men can come off as “monstrous”, choosing to exist in positions of darkness

1:18:00 – the use of art to progress as a human being and the strings you perceive are attached to that

1:23:45 – it sucks being alone, a judge’s advice to reading humans

Continue reading →

In honor of season 2 of Euphoria being released on HBO Max this week, and for my cheating, dishonest, liar of a “partner” to not be able to watch it since I logged out of my own Hulu and his other girlfriend’s HBO max accounts on both of his tvs per her request upon discovering the extent of said aforementioned dishonesty and manipulation while watching his dog, his “daughter”, for him while he was on vacation in Puerto Rico–a country he might be staying in, but one that was bailed out by the guy whose apartment I stayed in one street away from the Louvre the first year I went to Paris.

Suck on my balls.

It has been a week, let me tell ya.

I really, REALLY, REALLY cannot stress how much I absolutely did not need this character development. But, as just seems to be the case with me and “life”, probably the most unfortunate series of events have begun unraveling and I really regret making so many jokes about being the devil and going down to Georgia, because I am just emotionally getting my ass absolutely demolished and I don’t necessarily think I needed to. I feel like anyone who has read enough of the blog can maybe just take some sympathy towards that and all I have to say is that at 28 years old, I understand why so many single old ladies are so content in their old age to share the wisdom that is ignoring men. I get why my parents were so strict with me.

The world is not a nice place.

Turns out, it hurts even worse when it’s from someone who goes above and beyond to emphasize how they choose you, or the way they plan their life with you, the way they phrase things to be inclusive (and point it out). Mu’fuckin diversity consultants.

Someone who epitomizes and brings you back to perhaps the only formal community you remain within, the Carolina community, who evokes its presence to make you feel at home, belonged, and appreciated, just to lie to you. Someone who has heard and watched you speak on the things that have impacted you, and still impact you, who asks you to trust them, to believe in them, while being objectively dishonest, and not just to me.

It just goes to show that if the value of your words have no meaning, how do you expect anyone to allow you to lead them. When you lie to yourself, for fear of the truth, your version of “honesty” becomes subjective.

THIS is my villain origin story (as if we didn’t have enough of THOSE already).

Thank the gods for Megara, Maleficent, Cruella de Vil at times, all the strong, sassy, Disney women ahead of their time for reminding me how to channel my rage: into disgust and spite for the system that has enabled whatever these “men” are. This is what happens when we have people like Donald Trump avoid the draft, whose parents and lines of financing likely benefited from it extensively, while all the truly good ones went off and died from guerilla warfare tactics because again, we are always the terrorists on foreign land, why would other countries not view us in such a light–the civil affairs emergence in the army is just as stunted as “public health” programs in the USA.

It is no WONDER we have such a cultural emphasis on avoiding reality.

Which, like, what country doesn’t?

I mean, if the Japanese government can deny the Nanjing Massacre despite the International Military Tribunal’s judgment, the USA denying the lasting impacts of racism and the necessity for public health and progressive legislation seems pretty on par, honestly. I mean, as far as international delusions go, the USA also competes heavily with Russia and China in these Olympics as well, is all I’m saying.

Thus...

One of my best friends from high school, the one and only Dylan Santos, discuss life values, overcoming breaking up an engagement, stealing someone’s girlfriend, small town gossip, the history of human behavior, friendship & human connection, the contrast in our family dynamics and what that means for how we frame marriage, and Zeda speaks a bit more on how those ideas have related to her recent interactions with the MLS player, along with larger considerations on ethics and morality in relation to the law and current environment in the USA.

Blaisius, my cousin, and I talk evolutionary anthropology and anti communist propaganda related to dogs, feminism from a bisexual male’s perspective, the time I tripped on shrooms (psychedelics for the win, integrity for the victory), and the first time he tripped on acid in Vagina Meadows.

Listen to me, per usual, derail the conversation as my ADHD kicks in and I associate the most random subjects.

23:00-35:00 = My shroom trip

37:00 – End = Blaisius tripping on acid

Reminder to follow me on instagram: @zedagrace and to leave a 5 star review, on account of “good vibes only”

Gonna start this one off strong, because I spent the last ~6 weeks finally seeing all my friends. Nature is healing. (Everywhere except Japan, at least–because are US citizens aware of the rhetoric around the Olympic games and coronavirus going on in Japan? Or the rest of the world? Oh wait. I forgot we blatantly don’t give a shit what happens to the entirety of their population’s health. How could we…when we don’t even care about our own?
My bad.)

The educated hoes are vaccinated and emerging from our coronavirus slumbers of hibernation to frolic in the sunshine, bare our asses in thong bikini bottoms, and freshen up the tan on all of our cheeks and I am leading the charge.

One of my favorite people, we’ll call him “Citroni” asked me “do you just get angry and write?”
and like… fuck yes I do.

Some people get angry and murder.
Or ignore their feelings for years then snap and have mental breakdowns that harm others.

…I think I’m doing well with using writing and art as an outlet.

Citroni also tells me that I am a “walking contradiction” and I probably should not take as much pride in that as I do. (Keep ya on your toes)

The difference between the support I receive from my friendships and those I get from my family, is exemplified by the following: My mom was worried about “what will your friends think [of my blog]” and my friends literally asked if I’d ever seen Lucifer (I had not but I am now starting it), recommended that I watch The Sweetest Thing, and Citroni showed me “It’s Always Sunny”, because there was a recurring theme in our group of 3-4 men that I’d regularly go out with that I reminded them of “Dee” (solely because she was the only woman… I WAS offended initially). He explained the dynamic between her and her husband, apparently one of the main writers on the show, and why the vulgarity and honesty of her character was so groundbreaking.

This blog and “Zeda Grace” is the Sasha Fierce to my Beyoncé and they love that for me.

They also say that “I would’ve thrived as a housewife in the early 1900’s when I could just exist within the house and take comfort in the knowledge that I couldn’t do anything else.” So I wouldn’t feel so obligated to learn and do EVERYTHING, “just because I can”.

It’s not that I don’t want to “work”, either. It’s that I don’t want to work on things that don’t benefit society, disproportionately allow others to profit off of me, are purposefully indulging unhealthy environments and contributing to stress and reduced longevity or quality of life in a for profit healthcare system, and I just feel “safest” at home. PTSD is a bitch and I’m aware of the brevity and relativity of time. Being able to control my environment brings me so much mental peace.

Is it possible that my Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is plateaued at step 2? Security and safety? Probably.

Yzma was right.
I should’ve thought about the difficulties of life before I became a peasant.

I would love to not be so financially insecure too (I’m a progressive gal–I’ll let my husband work after marriage) and rent is expensive.

Thus, it should come as absolutely no surprise that I am very PRO sexwork.

I had a wonde...

I write this with the pessimistic swaddling of Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” enshrouding me in its sorrow while I watch the sunset across the farm and wonder if life is just going to be wondering if this is all there is and whether it’ll ever feel like “enough” to just be “happy”, when I’m aware of what goes on in the world.

I got to visit the bat houses in Gainesville and soak in the shared love of an epidemiology friend’s presence recently, who just separated herself from a long term relationship-turned-friendship, and I wanted to share a few sentiments we covered:

• Those of us who have blocked out years of childhood abuse, or familial memories, have been able to access therapy or have spent hours of free time running in contemplation, good for you.
  I’m glad I’m not the only fierce science gal who was accused of “emotional manipulation” from the very source they learned it from.
  
• Men are arguably another species. Whether they will ever make their intentions clear, unmistakeable, nonsecretive, who knows. Just remind yourself that solo cat ladies tend to live wonderfully great qualities of life and queer and homosexual traits potentially arise to offer care from (typically) nonreproductive members of a species when the reproductive members are providing the babies/offspring/future generations with less than quality care.
  Happy pride month.
  
• Humanity is the only primate known to abuse its offspring to the point of less viable reproductive futures. The study of everything revolves around our concept for “normalcy” or “standard” behavior. Some “reference”.
  
  How dare we condemn other country’s and culture’s behavior, because of the “more” atrociously grotesque human rights violations, while simultaneously dismissing those within our own borders.

Without further adieu, I’ll go into my reconstruction of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Pretty sure I watched the extended cut on HBO Max. For the record, one of my absolute favorite movie and book series of all time, though I was a bit young for the language of the books when the movies with Elijah Woods first came out. (AKA: I watched the movies first and only read the books later.) As a horse gal, there weren’t many movies that utilize horses, and LOTR obviously included a ton, so I naturally loved it. Sue me.

Galadriel opens up the narrative with the backstory on the one ring to rule them all and forewarning us that “the race of men…who above all else…desire power.”

Ya no fucking shit. Look at literally any guy in a fraternity getting cut off, kicked out of a bar, questioned at the door, turned down by a girl. They take everything like a personal attack and those of us who never doubted our places as peasants just get annoyed because all you’re doing is making everyone else’s lives shittier.

Anyways, a last alliance of men and elves “fought for the freedom of middle earth”. Isildor, the son of a king, took up his fallen daddy’s sword at the very moment hope was seemingly lost and like the good buzzer beater moment that I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of as a Tar Heel fan, Sauron’s wedding ring got cut off and he was defeated.

All I’m saying is if my next boyfriend doesn’t dress up as all of the villains in these movies and try to “defeat” me, we’re not fucking.

In a move that doesn’t surprise any woman ever, the “hearts of men are easily corrupted” and “history became legend. Legend became myth.” and the National Treasure style plot of medieval witchy conspiracy theories on power and quests and the history of mankind began.