It is not often that I meet someone, living a very full personal and professional life, and who has figured out how to spread around the weight of emotional labor. But after speaking with my guest, Patricia De Fonte, I walked away from that conversation thinking that, wow, here’s a role model for delegating, dialoguing, and anticipating what’s coming up.

Patricia De Fonte is the brains and heart behind De Fonte Law PC, where "Estate Planning With Heart®" isn’t just a tagline—it’s the ethos of the practice. Listen in on our conversation and you’ll hear how Patricia practices the principles of work and home equality in all of her affairs. My favorite example … many years ago Patricia read an article on the work of the household, prompting a new narrative in her in own home. Rather than asking her sons and husband to “help” her with the chores, she reframed and said that the “house needs help.” To function properly, the house needs help to the laundry done, toilets scrubbed, etc. So ‘help the house’ is now my rally cry to GSD!! {get stuff/sh*t done!}

At her law firm she institutes planned time off from clients, shortened work days, and scheduling boundaries. With an LL.M in Estate Planning, Probate, and Trust Administration and a JD from Golden Gate University, plus a BA in Communication from Santa Clara University, Patricia’s academic credentials are just the beginning.

Eight years ago, she set out to create a law firm where happiness is a priority—for her, her team, and most importantly, her clients. And it’s working! Patricia has not only contributed a chapter to a Wealth Counsel book, but she’s also been named a Super Lawyer multiple times and even snagged the Better Business Bureau Torch Award for Ethics. When Patricia’s involved, you know you’re in good hands!

patricia@defontelaw.com
www.defontelaw.com
415-735-6959

Dr. Loleen Berdahl and Dr. Christie Schultz

Since its inception, the Emotional Labor podcast has delved deep into the mental load of emotional labor as it exists within the home. Our guests have included authors and researchers whose work intersects with the many invisible layers of emotional labor at home.

In this episode, we are thrilled to discuss a fascinating series of articles published on Canada’s University Affairs website, authored by Loleen Berdahl and Christie Schultz. Loleen Berdahl is an award-winning university instructor, the executive director of the Johnson Shoyama Graduate School of Public Policy (Universities of Saskatchewan and Regina), and a professor and former head of political studies at the University of Saskatchewan. Christie Schultz is the dean of the Centre for Continuing Education and an associate professor in the Faculty of Education at the University of Regina.

Loleen and Christie examine how the mental load of emotional labor manifests in the academic workplace and higher education institutions. Their research highlights that this weight disproportionately falls on the shoulders of women and diverse faculty members.

In our conversation, we explored various facets of care management and the ethics of care when students present emotional and mental health challenges to faculty. We discussed how DEI committee work and campus decolonization activism often rely on faculty support, and how students tend to see their female professors as 'safe' providers of care and support, driven by societal stereotypes.

Our discussion ranged from applying care ethics in the academy, identifying challenges and solutions, understanding institutional support, and envisioning the future of care in academia. We concluded with a thought-provoking question: What would happen if we centered care in all aspects of life?

The full series of articles is available on the University Affairs website for those interested in delving deeper into this crucial topic.

https://universityaffairs.ca/career-advice/the-skills-agenda/leading-with-care-emotional-labour-and-academic-leadership/

https://universityaffairs.ca/career-advice/the-skills-agenda/the-skills-of-care-navigating-emotional-labour-in-academia/

https://universityaffairs.ca/career-advice/the-skills-agenda/acknowledging-the-emotional-labour-of-academic-work/

Dr. Susan Landers retired from her work as a neonatologist – a career that spanned 34 years. But alas, although “retired” Dr. Susan found, “I just could not sit still.” Sharing compelling stories from her medical practice with her book club members, as she shouldered the heavy load of raising a family, her cohort encouraged her Susan to write about her experiences. As such, Susan went from birthing babies to birthing a book, and in 2021, So Many Babies: My Life Balancing a Busy Medical Career and Motherhood. was born. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my conversation with Dr. Susan  – smart, thoughtful, and reflective, she shared the evolution of how she came to understand how she grew a successful career, stayed married, and raised 3 children. She describes her journey through the decades. 

Dr.Susan’s husband, Phillip, a practicing physician in his own right (Pediatrics) did a lot around the house when the kids were young but Susan recognized that she was carrying the bulk of the physical work and the mental load of emotional labor. She said it took her 10 years to figure out how to ask for help because before asking for help she was growing resentful of all that was on her plate, and Philip did not intuitively know how to partner with her in the household. And so she had to learn to identify the need and ask for help. The second decade of marriage was all about helping Philip learn to listen, instead of wanting to fix things. Which brought the couple to a new and more sustainable way to communicate.  

In this, her fourth decade of marriage and just a few years out of a fulfilling career, Dr. Susan Love speaks to women in the struggle to find their footing amidst a culture that expects women to do all the work. To that end, aside from her book, Dr Landers offers cool, and very accessible Ebooks – free to download – resources for parents – to discover real conversations about, and real hacks for, finding that footing, and feel steady on solid ground. 

David Smith is an Associate Professor of Sociology at Johns Hopkins University.  Carey Business School. I came across his name when I read a review for his second book, Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace  (Harvard Business Review Press, 2020). 
 

What I find remarkable and special about David, was learning about his “why.” When I asked how he came to understand the need for gender equity in the paid workplace, Dr. David told me the story about his, and his wife’s 1987 graduation from the Naval Academy – both leaving the institution with the same degrees and embarking on parallel careers. It didn’t take him long to understand that where he had unlimited and easy access to career advancement resources, his wife was given no such access and was forced to find her way in order to advance her career. Consequently his doctoral research in Sociology examined dual-career families which led to his first book, along with co-author, Dr. Brad Johnson, Athena Rising: How and Why Men Should Mentor Women.
 
David’s work today focuses on gender equity within organizations and how all gender equity begins in the home. His research shows that men who worked from home during the pandemic enjoyed the benefits of connecting with their family life in deeper and meaningful ways. To maintain that connection from the office – they “leave loudly” for their family obligations – walking out the front door, and announcing to bosses and co-workers that they have to run their kids to soccer practice or be with them at the dentist. Men “leaving loudly” has given rise to women doing the same – rather than heading out the backdoor hoping no one will notice that you have a dental appointment with your child – dads’ deepening relationships at home make it okay, and safer, for women to do the same thing. It was this conversation, and so much more, that made me feel more positive than I have about reaching gender equity at home which David believes can be realized within the next generation, so long as the paid workplace can provide employees with the flexibility to show-up authentic humans with family responsibilities despite and in spite, of their gender. 

Find out more about David here:

Website: workplaceallies.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidgsmithphd/

Ingrid Jansen is a friend, colleague, and gifted entrepreneur based in London. Ingrid co-founded, with her pal Lesley Spellman, The De-Clutter Hub, an online membership platform for cluttered folks needing the support to make their way from chaos to clarity. The two women host a podcast with 1.5 million downloads, and they host a FaceBook group with 18 thousand members. It goes without saying these women are a force of nature. And so, it was my great good future to catch up with Ingrid.

We talked about her client base, “95% women!” and their biggest pain point, “Overwhelm!” and the weight and volume of the emotional labor needed to make everyone around them feel safe and happy. Which of course is very valuable, but Ingrid’s insightfulness brings her clients to finally start asking, “Why do I feel like I have to do so much? Why am I so giving to everyone, but not to me?”

Shifting that dynamic, Ingrid tells me, requires communication, collaboration, and outsourcing if you can do it. Ingrid incorporates to plant the seeds of success with words of praise, “You’ve got so much going on and/but look at what an amazing job you ARE doing and give yourself the credit you deserve. I want to help people live the life they want to live.” When I asked Ingrid for any parting thoughts  she encouraged our listeners to stop comparing ourselves to other people’s idea of “perfect,” and feel happy and comfortable with your idea of “good enough.”  I just loved that.

Listen to Ingrid's Declutter Podcast here: https://declutterhub.com/the-podcast/

Back when she was starting her family, Gifty Enright wished she had in her tool-kit, the language of Emotional Labor. Granted, she may have avoided a lot of grief and despair, but then again, we would have never known her gift for putting to words the feelings she had when she Just. Burned. Out., and as described in her book, The Octopus On A Treadmill. Gifty has spent a good chuck of her professional life in accounting and IT – working hard to be successful as her male counterparts without at first recognizing that her male counterparts were actually doing only half the work, considering it that is was unlikely that successful men were also responsible for the management of the home, or so-called, ‘women’s work.’ Like nearly all women, Gifty was raised to believe that if she wanted it ‘all’ she had to be willing to do it all. And then she burned out. 

And now, Gifty Enright is a speaker, author, communicator, and coach – working specifically with mothers in their roles as professionals in the paid workplace, and moms in the unpaid workplace (home). She has so much to say about the importance of making visible the work of the household, instructing her clients and their spouses to list all the jobs they perform at home, and then compare and share the lists with each other. Her clients come to her feeling like failures, that they are stagnating professionally, losing ground to their male counterparts and losing confidence along the way. For Gifty – mothers are the center of gravity – they hold the world together and need a hell of a lot more support – and boundaries – to go out and contribute to the world on their terms. At home, this means establishing a baseline for “good enough,” partnering with the other adult in the household, and giving the children opportunities to contribute to the management of the home – because “even a 2-year-old can drag her pajamas to the laundry room.” 

Joanna Schroeder is a force. She’s at the forefront of the spreading the word about raising non-sexist, non-racist sons, and so I can’t wait to read her latest book, Talk to Your Boys: 27 Crucial Conversations to Have With Your Tweens and Teen Sons due early 2025. 

Joanna is also a writer, editor and feminist media critic. She was raised by a feminist and knows well the phrase, ‘We can do it all,’ to which Joanna responds, ‘But we shouldn’t have to.” 

She gave me a new way of thinking about the parent who ‘does it all’ – more as the ‘default parent’ – the person is who carrying the weight of household management and labor. She describes how she and her family regularly negotiate and renegotiate the terms of household. Daily conversations affirm and confirm the ideology and values of their home. I just love this model. 

She has worked in digital publishing for more than a decade, having served as executive editor of The Good Men Project and senior editor of YourTango, where she currently serves as Managing Editor of the well-respected Experts Program. 

A graduate of UCLA's Gender Studies department, she brings a critical eye to the editing and creation of highly-shareable digital content. She is best known for her viral parenting content, which is proudly feminist, anti-racist and progressive.

Her work has appeared in The New York Times and Boston Globe newspapers and in publications such as Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, Yahoo, The Huffington Post, Time, Bright Magazine, Kveller, and Vox. She also writes a weekly Substack, Zooming Out.

​She is also a lead author of Confronting Conspiracy Theories and Organized Bigotry at Home: A Guide For Parents & Caregivers published in partnership with The Western States Center. Her upcoming book, Talk To Your Boys: 27 Crucial Conversations To Have With Boyrs Today and How to Start Having Them, will be available in 2025 via Workman Publishing, co-authored with Christopher Pepper.

It’s not often I read an article with the words “gender equity” embedded in the title. I had not finished reading Sara Madera’s article, Why Achieving Gender Equity at Home is Still Tougher That At Work when I started my email to Sara inviting her to the Emotional Labor podcast. 

And I’m so glad that I did. 

Aside from being an insightful writer, Sara Madera brings her understanding of gender equity at home as a career coach for working moms. Sara comes to her knowledge of household equity through experience – living with her spouse and children and having what sounds like substantive conversations about the shared work load. Her coaching practice is inclusive in that couples are coached in her program called, “Home Work,” where wives and husbands discuss individual and shared values, where individual strengths and how those strengths contribute to a shared system toward household equity.