Don’t be a wrecking ball. Pour into your marriage and learn to separate feelings from truth. Heather Hetchler is a monthly columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a thought leader, and co-founder of Learning2Step, an online educational and empowerment program for blended families. Heather shares her blended family experiences and the advice that she’s learned along the way while reminding us to always be kind to ourselves.

Three Key Points

1. Give everyone time to adjust. Just because two adults are healed, happy and healthy doesn’t mean the children are. Oftentimes, two people are dating and their kids are getting along and everything seems fine until you get married… She’s not baking snickerdoodles the way her mom did or we always had a real tree at Christmas time! A new stepmom should be understanding the grief and the loss that these kids are navigating but also give herself time to grieve the loss of the beautiful picture of the ideal blended family that she had in her head.

2. Allow your stepchildren to have those mementos in their rooms or on the Christmas tree. It can be really difficult for kids to go back and forth between two homes. And sometimes, they want the comfort of that picture of your husband and their mother with them during happier times displayed prominently in their rooms. Learn to separate your feelings from the truth. The truth is he loves you and he’s your husband.

3. Pour into your marriage. We join a family in progress. The reality is that the kids are going to grow up and move away. The waves are going to come because blending families is hard on a marriage. Make time to pour into your marriage because that’s a solid foundation. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our stepchildren, children or husband is the gift of modeling healthy habits and even the gift of modeling forgiveness.

Learning2Step.com

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

The bond is different. Stepparents and parents see their children through different lenses and that’s perfectly normal. Laura Petherbridge, life coach and author of several books including 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom, shares her no-nonsense tips for the smart stepmom and the hardest things she had to overcome when she became a stepmother.

Three Key Points

1. Laura explains that what she perceived as disrespectful behavior from her stepchildren towards their father triggered her own “daddy wound” of growing up in a blended family. Laura had to discover that she was not her stepchildren’s parent. They already had one father and one mother, instead, she could be a mentor and a role model.

2. Laura says that parents and stepparents see their children through different lenses. Stepparents see the child through the lens of responsibility such as I want this child to grow up to be responsible, or I want them to be a good person, or I want them to do well in school and in life. However, when a parent looks at their child, they see their children through the lens of love: I want this child to feel loved. I just want them to ooze love, and feel love from me. We need to stop pretending that this isn't true. The bond is different, and we need to recognize that it's perfectly normal for a stepparent and a parent to view the child differently.

3. Leniency is one of the most common issues Laura sees with stepfamilies that seek her out. The stepparent wants the biological father or mother to step up and set firmer boundaries with their own child. When Laura works with families, she looks to see if they’re teachable or “do they just want to be right.” You don’t always have to like Laura’s advice but if what you’ve been doing in the past hasn’t worked, then what do you have to lose?

Laura Petherbridge: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

Blended families are born out of loss. A stepfamily would not exist if there hadn’t been a death, a divorce, or a break-up of a previous relationship. Laura Petherbridge, a wife, stepmother, life coach, and published author of several books including The Smart Stepmom, joins Traci on the podcast. Laura explains how loss influences the stepfamily dynamic and the importance of addressing this loss in your own blended family.

Three Key Points:

1. Laura highlights the importance of couples entering into blended families to address this key issue of loss for their children and stepchildren.

2. Laura explains how we must overcome the lie that loss is no big deal for kids and that they'll be perfectly fine with the new relationship of their parents. Just because the children aren't acting out does not mean that they aren't struggling. We've got to become educated in our understanding of what the child's brain and emotions are doing, so Laura recommends getting some resources to help understand what our children's brains experience when their biological family splits up.

3. Laura mentions a book written specifically for the child living between two homes called Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. Elizabeth does a superb job of explaining what happens in the brain of the child who flips between one household for a period of time and then to a completely different dynamic in their second household. Even though it's an older book and doesn't contain all the technical stuff that today's kids are dealing with, it's still a great resource on the market because it explains it so well and gives the parents advice on what to do about it.

Laura Petherbridge: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com