• The fear of death and living life in vain

  • Apr 6 2022
  • Duración: 3 m
  • Podcast

The fear of death and living life in vain

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  • …The fear of death and living life in vain… even to say it, as I sit here, at my desk, which is like my own private Star Trek holodeck, and flightdeck/cockpit, where I figuratively “fly” to and/or through my abstract thoughts—like planets and their moons--, feelings—like looming changes in gravitational forces, brightness and dimness of light— and my memories—some like treasure, which thus, brings me pleasure; some I wish would never return to my mind; some so fragmented that I can’t find any kind of coherence… though perhaps with time I could… …As I sit here and write… even to write about how death and living life in vain frighten me, as if to verbalize the states of various places within my mind were to give life so to speak, to the words, and, make murderers of nightmarish words, so to speak… though if that were so, on and on I’d go verbalizing my prayers “into reality”: for example, my prayer for my immortality and immortality for anyone else who wants to be immortal. …Do you think it’s ironic that one’s consciousness can fear the prospect of disappearing… as if consciousness could be conscious of death and yet of nothing else! But I’ve been retraining and reframing my brain… (or should I say my brain is training itself? Isn’t it the case that one’s “self” is the same thing as one’s brain? Or the mind/consciousness and unconscious, Which the brain makes? …Isn’t it the case that one’s “self” is the same thing as one’s brain? Or the mind/consciousness and unconscious, which the brain makes? These sorts of contemplations often propelled me into dissociation which then often induced panic attacks— palpitating heart, shortness of breath, body sweats, body quakes, makes me cry sometimes, pray sometimes to the universe and say to it that I hope it’s the case that IT, i.e., the Universe is synonymous with God and that there’s a way to convince this great Universe God/God Universe to disintegrate my anxiety obliterate my anxiety, dissipate my anxiety and convince it also to “make our dreams come true” let it be that fantasy is more than mere fantasy that we create aspects of nature through thoughts and feelings which are also—if we could be so fortunate-- karmic forces placing mind over matter; that’s how I wish the nature of the universe could be…. …Such contemplations lead to dissociation and panic attacks because they accentuate the idea that free-will/choice/control is all bullshit and that the soul is… like Ivan Pavlov and his dog, John B. Watson and B.F. Skinner-- stimulation and response; the idea, in other words, that all aspects of reality are mere automatons though some with ironic, paradoxical consciousness that project, develop, and maintain illusions of significance based on what may seem like coincidences of physics… and yet…if that’s all this universe and human consciousness is… why must it happen to be the case that it leads me to dissociate? Cruel coincidence of fate? Like tsunamis that come and terminate so many human lives who never had a chance, never had any say, like genetic diseases… brains so full of hate like those of Stalin and Hitler that create genocides trying to obliterate entire races! Sometimes I think life/reality/existence/consciousness drives me crazy and so I drink so that the terror is made hazy so that for awhile my nerves can be lazy and I can concentrate on the taste of my coffee, making love, appreciating and creating art, et cetera, and escape that feeling that we all—in terms of consciousness-- inevitably fall apart …or who knows…maybe death is the start of something so great that only the complications of this “earthly” life could teach a soul to appreciate… but I wish not to speculate any deeper, and longer, as I don’t want the darkness in my thoughts to grow...
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