She Left Me the Gun

By: Emma Brockes

Narrated by: Emma Brockes

A journalist struggles to unearth the story of her mother’s resilience and secrecy following an unbelievable childhood trauma in South Africa

“One day I will tell you the story of my life,” promises Emma Brockes’s mother, “and you will be amazed.” Despite her mother’s tales of a rustic childhood in South Africa and bohemian years in London, Brockes grew up knowing that some crucial pieces of the past were left unspoken. A mystery to her friends and family, Brockes’s mother, Paula, was glamorous, no-nonsense, and totally out of place in their quaint English village. What compelled her to emigrate to England was never explained, nor what empowered her tremendous strengths and strange fears. Looking to unearth the truth after Paula’s death, Brockes begins a dangerous journey into the land—and the life—her mother fled from years before.

She Left Me the Gun: My Mother's Life Before Me is a tale of true transformation, the story of a young woman who reinvented herself so completely that her previous life seemed to simply vanish—and of a daughter who transcends her mother’s fears and reclaims an abandoned past. Brockes soon learns that Paula’s father was a drunk megalomaniac who terrorized Paula and her seven half siblings for years. He is ultimately taken to court and vindicated of all charges—but not before Paula shoots him five times, and fails to kill him. She books passage to London, never to return.

She Left Me the Gun carries Brockes to South Africa to meet her seven aunts and uncles, to weigh their stories against her mother’s silences, and to understand one of the world’s most beautiful yet bloody countries. Brockes learns of the violent pathologies and racial propaganda in which her grandfather was inculcated, sees the mine shafts and train yards where he worked as an itinerant mechanic, and finds buried in government archives the startling court records that prove he was secretly imprisoned for murder years before he first married.

An extraordinary work of psychological suspense and forensic memoir, She Left Me the Gun chronicles Brockes’s efforts to walk the knife edge between understanding her mother’s unspeakable traumas and embracing the happiness she chose for herself and her daughter.

No thanks.

Was interesting, but I was not able to finish. Very graphic. Can't remember the point. Must not have been that good.

Grim subject, wonderful book!

Where does She Left Me the Gun rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

It is right up there with the best of them.

What other book might you compare She Left Me the Gun to and why?

I can't name a specific book, or author, but what She Left Me The Gun has in common with the best memoirs is a flow, and a story. There is mystery, humor, horror, and growth.

What about Emma Brockes’s performance did you like?

Everything! Sometimes authors reading their own books is a big mistake, but in this case I can't imagine how someone else could do a better job.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

Yes, although I did break it up for real life concerns, and I will be listening to it again to savor the writing.

Any additional comments?

Don't be afraid of the subject matter - dysfunctional families are the cliche of memoir, but this one is fresh, fascinating, and involving. In my opinion it really does deserve five stars.

For those who like memoirs

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

We read this for our book club. The performance made the book. I'm happy I chose the listen route.

What was your reaction to the ending? (No spoilers please!)

There was no surprise ending.

Have you listened to any of Emma Brockes’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

No

Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?

There were no strong emotions involved with this listen.

Any additional comments?

Memoirs are not my first choice; but try to read a variety of genres.The narrator kept my interest.

Survival in 1950s South Africa

Wonderfully, powerfully written without being syrupy or full of excesses of emotion. The narrator is in harmony with the story; her voice is either humorous or matter of fact depending on story. Story is one of survival against the most daunting family history of extreme poverty, incest, injustice in White South Africa. I will remember that a woman who shot her father, testified at his trial for incest, established a successful life in England in the 1970s. She overcame trouble that would have caused nervous breakdown in lesser souls. Her strength became her Daughter's inspiration.

Mixed reactions

After her mother's death, Emma went back to South Africa where her mother grew up in search of connecting pieces of information about her mother's family. Her mother had corresponded with most of her siblings over the years and told Emma sparse bits of information about her past -- often hinting that there was much more to the story.

South African landscape, climate and culture was fascinating. Conversations with aunts, uncles and cousins revealed their individual approaches to survival in a family that reflected the country, hostile and beautiful. The days spent in research or on a drunk with family she had not previously met was less intriguing to me.