Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best

“Under any circumstances, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next.”
 
The Fourth Agreement is the action of the first three, enabling them to become habits. It is the agreement that asks you to do just enough, but not too much. Perfection is not the goal .. Doing your best means falling down and getting back up. 

Ruiz says “If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed, and in the end, your best will not be enough. When you overdo, you deplete your body and go against yourself, and it will take you longer to accomplish your goal. But if you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustrations, self-judgment, guilt, and regrets.”

Surrender to what flows easily. If something feels heavy and overwhelming, it means I’m pushing against the Universe and trying to force it. And when I use force, nothing works.

When you try to get someone to love you, it depletes your energy… and it doesn’t work. When you people-please for acceptance, it robs you of yourself. Forced effort doesn't feel good. On the flip side, have you ever done something where you felt tired afterward, but also invigorated?  This kind of effort comes from joy, and it’s never depleting.

 Ruiz says, “When you are doing your best just for the pleasure of doing it, you are taking action because you enjoy the action. Action is about living fully.”  Lead with your heart without an attachment to the outcome and opportunities will open up. 

“If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.”

–Marc Chagall

 Doing Your Best in Co-Parenting Relationships

While each agreement is simple, executing them consistently is not easy, especially in our coparenting relationships. When you are emotionally triggered, taking something personally, it usually happens on autopilot. The point is not to avoid being triggered (which isn’t really possible), but rather to use those moments as an opportunity to feel your way through the negative beliefs that surface. 

Doing MY and DOING YOUR Best

I’ve read “The Four Agreements”  several times over the past six months and I get something from it each time. What I do know is whenever I force something or put forth effort that drains me, it doesn’t lead to what I want. 

“If you’re doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions, still take things personally, and still are not impeccable with your word.”

 Answer the below questions in your journal or the

1. What is something you constantly overdo or put extra effort towards that depletes you? It could be work, making dinner, cleaning, keeping in touch with people, caring for a parent, etc. .
2. What is something you put effort into that you love? 

Every day from this day forward, write the below in your journal as a reminder of the agreements you have made with yourself:

Today I will do my best to speak my truth and be impeccable with my word.

Today I will do my best not to take things personally, remembering it’s about them, not me.

Today I will do my best not to assume I know what other people are thinking or feeling.

Today I will simply do my best… no more, no less… and it will come from my heart.

“If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.”

Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions

“The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 4
The Third Agreement is similar  to the Second Agreement: Don’t take anything personally. We assume our reality is the same as someone else’s reality, so we fit whatever they do or say into how we view the world. We create stories around our reality.  As  you all are aware,  we cannot read another person’s mind and know what they’re thinking, but there are times we act like we can! 

Do you ever read into texts, or emails  and think you have the other person “figured out”?  You believe you know their reason, their intention, or their motivation, but that assumption is based on your reality and your beliefs. Theirs are probably different. 

Remember the episode from last week… Your reality is simply that: YOUR reality. Their reality is THEIR reality. 

Why do people assume? Here are a few  reasons:

1. Assuming is safer than the truth,  assuming allows  you to live in a fantasy.
2. Assuming is a big distractor from dealing with your own feelings.
3. Assuming allows you to impose your reality on other people, expecting them to think and act the same way you do.

Assumptions/Truth vs. Fantasy

If you don’t ask questions, you can continue on comfortably with the illusion that everything is just fine.   It’s safer to assume your partner doesn’t want to commit (whether it’s marriage or otherwise) because he/she is not ready to settle down. You can literally  assume the years away, afraid of confronting an inconvenient truth: maybe he/she doesn’t want to commit to you but because we are mirrors for each other, that leads to asking where you’re afraid to commit and why you attracted this person in the first place.

Ruiz writes, “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”

Assumptions and our Feelings

Assumptions allow you to avoid your own deeper feelings, the ones tied to your negative beliefs around rejection, abandonment, not being good enough, etc. If you assume rather than asking questions, you avoid confronting those beliefs, enabling you to stay within your fantasy.

But is that living fully and authentically? No, because you are operating from a place of fear rather than love. Assumptions keep you stuck in fear.

If your fear of abandonment holds you back  from being authentic within your relationship, you never face your fears. Ask yourself,  At what cost?  How many months/years are you willing to waste, making assumptions about your relationships, only to find out your assumption was wrong? 

Assumptions and our Expectations and Reality

When you assume, you attach your expectations to the outcome, often leading to disappointment. If you’re sad, you assume your partner or coparent can pick up on how you’re feeling and know exactly what to do (i.e. spend time, make dinner, buy chocolate or flowers, etc.). If he/she doesn’t do one of these things (your expectation), you’re hurt.  You believe if someone loves you, they should automatically know how you feel and what you need. But remember–their reality is not the same as yours.

Ruiz says: “We assume that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.”

Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

“Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 3
 
Yes, taking things personally is all about ourselves; our ego. We think the world revolves around us and everything people do is specifically targeted to us. 

 How We Personalize

Ruiz believes that nothing other people say or do is because of us. It is because of themselves. How other people relate to us often depends on their mood, so if we base our self-image on how someone else treats us, we will most likely experience many difficulties. If we take things personally, we will be upset, insecure, and unhappy most of the time. 

Personalizing Can and Will Destroy Relationships

This happens in relationships all the time. Let’s say you recently started dating someone who usually texts every day. One day, you get no text, so you automatically think you did something wrong. Did you say something to upset him/her? Did he/she meet someone else? You start to feel insecure and fill yourself with anxiety. 

Ruiz explains, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their dream, in their minds; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we assume that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Why  Do We Personalize

Personalizing keeps your focus outside of yourself, so it’s a great way of avoiding your feelings. It also works really well to confirm your own negative beliefs. You’re not doing any of this consciously; it is all on auto-pilot. The first step is to notice when it happens so you can catch yourself in the moment and shift your perspective.

 Personalization Is Not About You

People are going to do and say whatever they want—you can’t control that. But you can control how you respond.  According to Ruiz , “Whatever people do, feel, think or say, don’t take it personally… by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.”

Journal Notes

First, write this down and stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day: Don’t take anything personally.

When someone says something that I take personally, this is what I hear: (examples: I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’ll always be single, )

1. When these negative beliefs come up, I feel: (examples: lonely, ashamed, belittled, angry, embarrassed, etc)
2. How I would feel if I chose NOT to take things personally: (examples: light, confident, secure, relaxed, at ease, unburdened, happy, etc.)

Jot these down in your journal without commentary or judgment. Use simple bullet points, writing down what happened and how you personalized.  For example:

•  I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened) - She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized)
• My  wife/husband reorganized the dishwasher again -  She doesn’t think I can do anything right

Now, go back through each scenario and list three possible reasons for the action. Using the first example above, you might write:

I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened)

• She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized) 
  • Possible Reason #1 - She had to urgently use the bathroom  
  • Possible Reason #2 - She double-booked herself and had to run to another meeting 

Remember: your perception of reality is based on your beliefs, and theirs is based on their beliefs. Neither is right /wrong, they are just different.