Dr. Wesley Detwiler is a licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in California and he works closely with the LGBTQ+ community and those suffering from addiction and complex trauma. In this episode, Dr. Wesley talks about what sex positive really means when you are in sobriety. He also talks about how the community itself can ostracize men who are seeking recovery, and he also discusses how many men are unaware of the risks of sex and porn addiction when trying to get sober from drugs.  

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:50] A little bit about Dr. Wesley. 

[3:20] Dr. Wesley personally struggled with a drug addiction and he knew he had to get sober in order for him to be a successful psychologist. 

[4:45] How does Dr. Wesley define sobriety? 

[9:25] Everyone has an underlying need for connection. 

[11:15] A lot of gay men feel like they’re damaged goods. 

[12:15] How are we using sex to value or devalue ourselves?

[17:15] As a community, we can end up ostracizing the very people who need your help the most. 

[18:30] It’s not a ‘them’ problem, this is a ‘we’ problem. 

[20:20] What does it really mean to be ‘sex positive’ in sobriety? 

[23:35] We need to dive deeper and really explore what intimacy and sex really means to the individual. 

RESOURCES: 

Detwilerpsychology.com

QUOTES: 

• “I didn’t have the tools to ‘adult’ properly. I didn’t have the glue that would stick all those things together in a meaningful or positive way.”

• “For anyone struggling to get sober, do not give up. Sobriety is achievable. The only thing you can’t do is give up.”

• “As a community, there’s work we can do around having a more healthy concept of what healthy sex is.”

Dr. David Fawcett, the author of Lust, Men, and Meth, has a conversation with the translator of the book, Karl-Anton Gerber, discussing how this project came about, his own story, and the chemsex scene in Germany.

German title: Lust, Rausch und Crystal Meth: Wege aus dem Chemsex-Konsum bei MSM

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:50] A little bit about Karl. 

[3:20] Karl shares his introduction to drugs and how it has affected his life.

[7:10] Karl is HIV+ and shares how he first found out the news.

[9:10] Dr. David understands where Karl is coming from. For many gay men, they feel like “damaged goods.”

[9:40] What made Karl change his lifestyle and get clean? 

[12:45] Karl shares how this book, Lust, Men, and Meth, changed his life. 

[16:15] There are no reliable chemsex studies in Germany.

[20:00] Why did Karl decide to modify his foreword in the German version of his book? 

RESOURCES: 

Amazon link to German edition: https://tinyurl.com/bdhhj7n2

QUOTES: 

• “I had to admit I had a problem. That was the starting point to getting out of addiction.”

• “My stable life and [the drugs] were separate, but when I was driving down the German highway, there was a little window between those two universes and I couldn’t hide any longer.”

• “These new psychoactive substances are really scary. They’re just chemicals someone put together somewhere and now are selling it on the dark web.”

Carol Teitelbaum is a Marriage & Family Therapist and has been a licensed Therapist since 1985. Carol comes on the show to talk about abuse that has happened to our young boys and how this problem is still minimized in today’s society. She shares some common myths people have about men and abuse and how there’s a deep silence in the community for these men. She discusses the upcoming “It Happens to Boys” conference. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:30] A little bit about Carol. 

[2:40] Let’s talk about our boys. What happens to boys?

[3:20] Men do not get over sexual abuse. Men do not just ‘get over it’. 

[6:30] Men have been told since they were little that they don’t have feelings.

[8:00] What myths are out there about boys and sexual abuse?

[9:10] Abuse is not about sex. It’s about power.

[11:00] Women abuse boys! Boys get very little empathy when they’ve been abused by a woman.

[15:40] Sexual intimacy goes way beyond just ‘putting it in’. 

[21:00] How does Carol help someone who has been abused open up?

[25:50] What does the healing journey look like for men? 

[29:50] What’s the difference between anger and rage?

[30:35] Let’s talk about the Creative Change Conference.

RESOURCES: 

Creativechangeconferences.com

Menhealing.org

QUOTES: 

• “People still think boys can’t be abused.”

• “Men who do not just get over it. Men who don’t get help or start their healing process, they rage because of all the emotions that they tucked away.”

• “I’ve heard men say, “If you really knew who I was, you’d think I’m disgusting.” It’s because they’ve been abused.”