Maybe you're familiar with the phrase, "You can't go around grief, you have to go through it." Or, "You have to feel your feelings." If you're like a lot of people, you might cringe and also wonder, "What does that actually mean?" Grief isn't linear, and it's not something to get through - and yet, a lot of people appreciate having some sense of what to expect and what to do with it all. That's where Claire Bidwell Smith's new book, Conscious Grieving, comes in. Offered as a framework, not a formula, Claire suggests four ways to orient towards grief: entering, engaging, surrendering, and transforming. Claire comes to this work with her lived experience of losing both of her parents to cancer by the time she was twenty-five. She's a licensed therapist, international speaker, and the author of five books.

We discuss:

• What Claire's parents would think of her work
• How she stays connected to them
• The rise of anxiety in grief
• The pressure to "move on" from grief
• How those who are grieving carry the burden of educating others
• What Claire does to manage health anxiety
• The four orientations of Conscious Grieving
• How important community can be when it comes to grief
• Where Claire currently is with her grief
• Both sides of the compassion coin

Listen to our previous conversation with Claire, Ep. 109 - Grief & Anxiety.

In 2015, Diane Kalu was living in Nigeria with her husband and their three young children. One day, about eight weeks after the birth of their third child, Diane’s husband went to work and never returned. A few days later she got the news that he dad died. She was suddenly a widow, responsible for raising three children under the age of five, in a country with several widowhood customs and traditions that are harmful to women. Thankfully, Diane had her mother to help her survive those early days of widowhood. Then, about five years after her husband's death, Diane's mother also died. Through both of these losses, Diane discovered a lot about herself, including a passion for helping others. That led her to start the WiCare Lekota Foundation, an organization dedicated to supporting widows in Nigeria through social, emotional, financial, and educational support programs.

We discuss:

• Grieving for her mother
• Telling her children their grandmother died
• How her mother supported her after her husband died
• Grief brain fog and how Diane recovered her memory with singing & sticky notes
• Widowhood customs & traditions that are harmful for women
• The ways Diane broke with community expectations for widows
• Pity vs. compassion
• The mindset that helped Diane survive
• What Diane's husband would think of who she is now
• Starting the WiCare Lekota Foundation to support other widows

WiCare on Facebook

Read Transcript

Whenever Annette & Mel connect, there's always a third person in the mix. That third person is Amy, their friend and chosen family member who died in 2012 of pulmonary fibrosis. While they each had a unique friendship with her, both connections were formative and deep. When Amy died, Annette and Mel's friendship grew stronger, because of their shared grief.

This episode is part of a series focused on grieving the death of a friend. As much as we decry there being a hierarchy of grief, most people still assume the death of a family member is harder than the death of a friend. In reality though, the death of a friend or chosen family member can be absolutely devastating, in ways that catch us, and others, off guard.

We discuss:

• Amy's magnetic personality - and what she meant to each of them
• What they both learned from being friends with her
• The different friendships Mel & Annette had with Amy, while still being part of the same circle
• How Annette & Mel got closer through Amy's illness and death
• Witnessing Amy's rapid deterioration
• How she tried to have end of life conversations with both of them
• When they each realized that Amy was going to die
• What grief has been like for both of them
• Annette being diagnosed with the same illness that Amy had
• The "Amy objects" they keep close
• Navigating new relationships with people who never met Amy

Learn more about Annette Leonard and listen to her podcast, Chronic Wellness.