Back by popular demand — we're back in the journals.

In this episode I'm reading more entries from my eating disorder treatment diaries. These are unfiltered, verbatim entries from residential, PHP, and IOP — the rawest, most honest documentation of what recovery actually looked like from the inside.

This one goes to some dark places. There are entries about missing the disorder, about feeling like recovery wasn't worth it, about a muffin that sent me into a complete spiral. But there are also entries about light bulbs going off, about laughing again, about finding hope in the smallest moments. And it ends with the Eater's Agreement — a manifesto I wrote at the end of treatment that still holds up more than ten years later.

If the first journal episode resonated with you, this one goes even deeper.

In This Episode:

• Why I started doing these journal episodes — and why the response to part one floored me
• What residential treatment actually looked like for me — and why I want to acknowledge the privilege of having access to that level of care
• The emotional shutdown I experienced at the start of treatment — and when it finally broke open
• The life map entry — sharing my story in group for the first time and finally crying
• The identity crisis underneath the eating disorder — not knowing who I was or what I actually liked
• The Valentine's Day entry — one of my darkest moments in treatment
• The muffin entry — a spiral that started with a snack and ended with "I am not shit, I am the shit"
• Sneaking exercise in treatment — and being honest about the moments recovery wasn't perfect
• The PHP entry — when things finally started to shift and I started feeling happy again

Quotes from This Episode:

"It is comforting to have a physical manifestation of the source of my unhappiness. If that's taken from me, my failure and unhappiness becomes my fault."

"I don't want this to be my story forever. I need to find my light and choose it."

"A muffin should not have the power to make me feel worthless. I am powerful. I am more than this idiotic monster in my head. I am not shit. I am the shit."

"There was so much pressure to make the right choice that it makes a lot of sense why I wanted to simplify my life and just think about food and just think about my body."

Resources + Connect with Me:

• Instagram: @recoverwithchloe
• Recovery Skills Training: https://recoverwithchloe.thrivecart.com/recovery-skills-training/
• The Quasi-Recovery Exit: https://recover-with-chloe.moxieapp.com/public/quasi-recovery-exit-application
• Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
• Subscribe on YouTube

Keywords/Tags: eating disorder recovery journals, ED treatment diary, eating disorder treatment, residential treatment eating disorder, ED recovery real talk, recovered-ish podcast, chloe cox, eating disorder therapist, ED recovery podcast, eating disorder journals, what recovery really looks like, quasi-recovery, eating disorder treatment experience, ED diary, recovery motivation

Resources + Connect with Me:

• Instagram: @recoverwithchloe
• Recovery Skills Training: use code PODCAST for $57 off!
• Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
• Subscribe on YouTube!

Episode Description

Last week's episode sparked a lot of conversation online. I posted a clip about eating disorder recovery in the ozempic era and the comments absolutely exploded — and it got me thinking about something I've been wanting to talk about for a while.

The thoughts I had in my eating disorder that I'm not proud of. The ones that would probably get me canceled if I posted them without context. The ones that felt so real at the time and are so clearly the disorder talking when I look back now.

In this episode I'm unpacking each of those thoughts, where they actually came from, and what they say about the disorder — not about who I am or who you are. If you've had thoughts in your eating disorder that have made you feel like a bad person, this episode is directly for you.

In This Episode:

• Why I posted about my ugliest ED thoughts on Instagram — and why the response floored me
• The core reframe: eating disorders are not personality traits
• How eating disorders distort your value system to make harmful behaviors feel moral and right
• Each of the ugly thoughts I had — unpacked honestly and without shame
• Feeling superior when eating less than others at the table — and what was really going on
• Feeling threatened when someone else's body changed — and the identity piece underneath it
• Believing hunger meant I was doing something right — and what that was really about
• Believing my body said something about my character — and the identity crisis driving it
• Thinking my therapist and dietician were jealous of me — and why the eating disorder needs you to believe that
• Not wanting a normal body — and why "just eat normally" was never going to land
• Thinking enjoying food made me weak — and the fear underneath it
• The darkest thought — and why it was depression talking, not who I was
• Why your eating disorder thoughts are not your identity — and what they actually are

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro 1:00 What happened when I posted about the ozempic episode — and what it inspired 4:00 The core frame: eating disorders are not personality traits 6:00 How eating disorders distort your value system 8:00 Ugly thought #1: feeling superior when eating less than others 13:00 What self-control actually is — and what the eating disorder gets wrong about it 14:00 Ugly thought #2: feeling threatened when someone else's body changed 17:00 The identity and scarcity piece underneath that thought 18:00 Ugly thought #3: believing hunger meant I was doing something right 21:00 Interoception — and how the eating disorder distorts your body's cues 22:00 Ugly thought #4: believing my body said something about my character 26:00 Not knowing who I was — and trying to manufacture identity through my body 28:00 Ugly thought #5: thinking my therapist and dietician were jealous of me 30:00 Why the eating disorder needs you to believe everyone trying to help has an ulterior motive 32:00 Ugly thought #6: not wanting a normal body 35:00 Why "just eat normally" was never going to be comforting 37:00 Ugly thought #7: thinking enjoying food made me weak 40:00 Ugly thought #8: believing body change would be worse than not existing 43:00 Why that thought is depression — not character 45:00 You are not your eating disorder thoughts 47:00 Closing thoughts

Quotes from This Episode:

"The thing about self-control is you

Resources + Connect with Me:

• Instagram: @recoverwithchloe
• Recovery Skills Training: use code PODCAST for $57 off!
• Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
• Subscribe on YouTube!

One of the most common questions I get — from clients, from my own lived experience, from people who have spent years wondering — is this: why me? Why did I get an eating disorder when the people around me didn't?

In this episode I'm getting into the real answer. Not the oversimplified version. The actual, nuanced, deeply personal answer — using my own story, my clinical experience, and the framework I use with clients in my group program The Quasi-Recovery Exit to help people understand themselves in a way that actually moves the needle in recovery.

This one is a thinker. I hope it gives you some real clarity.

This Episode Is Brought to You By Cozy Earth

Cozy Earth makes the softest, most comfortable pajamas and bedding I’ve foung — and comfort in my body is something I don't compromise on anymore. Visit CozyEarth.com and use code RECOVERY for up to 20% off.

In This Episode:

• Why I grew up with two sisters, in the same family, doing the same activities — and I'm the only one who got an eating disorder
• The genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger framework — and what it actually means for understanding your own story
• The specific temperament traits I was born with that made me vulnerable to an eating disorder
• How my performing arts high school became the environmental trigger that intensified those traits
• Why understanding what caused your eating disorder is actually one of the most powerful things you can do in recovery
• The identity conversation — how the traits your eating disorder co-opted are actually your greatest strengths
• Why you won't lose yourself when you recover — you'll finally find yourself
• How narrative therapy helps you make meaning of your story without shame
• What to do with the traits you don't want to give up in recovery
• A reframe for the question "what's wrong with me?" — and what to ask instead

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro + new desk setup 2:00 Life update — pregnancy announcement followup, son's hospital stay, Disneyland plans 4:00 A note on binge urges and what they're actually telling you 6:00 Today's topic: what actually causes an eating disorder? 7:00 Growing up with two sisters — same family, same upbringing, only I got an eating disorder 10:00 Genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger 12:00 The temperament traits I was born with — drive, perfectionism, sensory sensitivity 16:00 Early signs of genetic predisposition — body awareness from a very young age 18:00 How performing arts high school became the environmental trigger 22:00 Competition, comparison, and the perfect storm that created my eating disorder 24:00 How to understand your own story through this lens 26:00 The identity conversation — temperament vs conditioning 28:00 Your eating disorder traits are actually your superpowers 30:00 Narrative therapy and making meaning of your story 32:00 What to ask yourself instead of "what's wrong with me?" 35:00 How to channel your traits toward recovery and growth 37:00 Closing thoughts

Practical Reflection Questions From This Episode:

• What traits do I have that might have made me vulnerable to an eating disorder?
• What life circumstances intensified those traits or made the eating disorder necessary?
• What do I actually like about those traits — and do I want to keep them in recovery?

Resources + Connect with Me:

• Instagram: @recoverwithchloe
• Recovery Skills Training: use code PODCAST for $57 off!
• Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
• Subscribe on YouTube!