Semi-Centurion
What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Funnier!
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Semi-Centurion
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Narrated by:
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S. David Acuff
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By:
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S. David Acuff
About this listen
David Acuff is a Hollywood insider, a military brat, a comic, a piano recital survivor, a BMW murderer, an offensive linebacker, a dog licker, a divorced TikToker, a father of three Jedi princesses, and possibly a child prodigy.
He is also a semi-centurion. That's a word he made up when he turned 50 this year because "quinquagenarian" sounds like a horse disease or a Menudo song. And before he could move on to the next nifty fifty, he wanted to process how he'd lived, laughed, loved, and litigated along the way.
So he wrote this semi-memoir. A semi-memie, let's call it. This is not a self-help book. More of a self-humor. A self-assessment after some self-reflection. Inspired by true self-fiction.
It's a conundrum wrapped in an enigma, like a kitten burrito. This audiobook was written to make God laugh so hard the Holy Spirit comes out his nose. So, if you learn a lesson or get inspired along the way, that's on you, buddy.
Anyway, this hilarious exploratory trip down memory lane taught him a very provocative lesson. What doesn't kill you makes you funnier. You've been warned.
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 13,169
-
Performance5 out of 5 stars 11,934
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 11,855
Growing a perfect moustache, grilling red meat, wooing a woman - who better to deliver this tutelage than the always charming, always manly Nick Offerman, best known as Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson? Combining his trademark comic voice and very real expertise in woodworking - he runs his own woodshop - Paddle Your Own Canoe features tales from Offerman's childhood in small-town Minooka, Illinois, to his theater days in Chicago, beginnings as a carpenter/actor and the hilarious and magnificent seduction of his now-wife Megan Mullally.
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5 out of 5 stars
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On the need to acknowledge the role luck plays
- By OpenMindedNotCredulous on 11-17-13
By: Nick Offerman
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Dying of Politeness
- A Memoir
- By: Geena Davis
- Narrated by: Geena Davis
- Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 768
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 690
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Story5 out of 5 stars 689
From two-time Academy Award winner and screen icon Geena Davis, the surprising tale of her “journey to badassery”—from her epically polite childhood to roles that loaned her the strength to become a powerhouse in Hollywood.
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5 out of 5 stars
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so perfect
- By Kimber on 10-16-22
By: Geena Davis
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This Might Get a Little Heavy
- A Memoir
- By: Ralphie May, Nils Parker
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 8 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 286
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 250
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 251
There was a time when Ralphie May was one of the biggest stand-up comedians in the country, both by ticket sales and by tonnage. While some things changed - Ralphie lost half his body weight - others did not: He will be remembered as one of the most successful comics of his time. Completed just months before his untimely passing, in This Might Get a Little Heavy, Ralphie takes listeners on a behind-the-scenes tour of his life and career, one that winds across the country, over obstacles, beyond heartbreak, and through the golden age of stand-up.
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5 out of 5 stars
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brilliant and tragic
- By Timothy Trujillo on 08-12-18
By: Ralphie May, and others
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Will
- By: Will Smith, Mark Manson
- Narrated by: Will Smith
- Length: 16 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 58,222
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 52,683
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Story5 out of 5 stars 52,421
One of the most dynamic and globally recognized entertainment forces of our time opens up fully about his life, in a brave and inspiring book that traces his learning curve to a place where outer success, inner happiness, and human connection are aligned. Along the way, Will tells the story in full of one of the most amazing rides through the worlds of music and film that anyone has ever had.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Will sure loves Will
- By Kejeco on 11-18-21
By: Will Smith, and others
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Dirty Daddy
- The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian
- By: Bob Saget
- Narrated by: Bob Saget
- Length: 6 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 540
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 483
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 482
Millions of viewers know and love Bob Saget from his role as the sweetly neurotic father on the smash hit Full House, and as the charming wisecracking host of America's Funniest Home Videos. And then there are the legions of fans who can't get enough of his scatological, out-of-his-mind stand-up routines, comedy specials, and outrageously profane performances in such shows as HBO's Entourage and the hit documentary The Aristocrats.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Meh to the 2nd Power
- By Hilary on 06-30-14
By: Bob Saget
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Comedy Sex God
- By: Pete Holmes
- Narrated by: Pete Holmes
- Length: 6 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,984
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 1,755
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 1,746
Part autobiography, part philosophical inquiry, part sacred quest - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck for the spiritual seeker - a hilarious, profound, and enlightening romp around the fertile mind of standout stand-up comedian, host of the hugely successful podcast You Made It Weird, and star of HBO’s Crashing Pete Holmes.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Mixed bag
- By Brandon on 06-20-19
By: Pete Holmes
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How to Be a Man
- (and Other Illusions)
- By: Duff McKagan
- Narrated by: Peter Berkrot
- Length: 7 hrs
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 238
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 218
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 219
Duff McKagan is one of the most respected survivors in hard rock. In How to Be a Man, he shares the wisdom he gained on the path to superstardom - from his time with Guns N' Roses and Velvet Revolver to getting sober after a life of hard living to achieving his personal American dream of marrying a supermodel, raising a family, and experiencing what it's like to be winked at by Prince.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Overly dramatic reader.
- By CB on 01-07-17
By: Duff McKagan
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The Very Worst Missionary
- A Memoir or Whatever
- By: Jamie Wright
- Narrated by: Madeleine Lambert
- Length: 4 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 317
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 279
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 282
After finding Jesus at a suburban megachurch, young Jamie Wright trades in the easy life on the cul-de-sac for the green fields of Costa Rica. There, along with her husband, kids, and the family cat, she intends to serve God and make converts. But she soon loses faith and falls into a funk of cynicism and despair. Fortunately, Knives the cat is there, looking on with just enough disinterest to make her laugh...and dare her to try another way. That other way turns out to be telling the truth. She launches a renegade blog, Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, which wins a large following.
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1 out of 5 stars
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Didn’t like the book
- By Jonathan on 04-17-20
By: Jamie Wright
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Wildflower
- By: Drew Barrymore
- Narrated by: Drew Barrymore
- Length: 7 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 5,719
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 5,119
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 5,089
Wildflower is a portrait of Drew's life in stories as she looks back on the adventures, challenges, and incredible experiences of her earlier years. It includes tales of living on her own at 14 (and how laundry may have saved her life), getting stuck in a gas station overhang on a cross-country road trip, saying good-bye to her father in a way only he could have understood, and many more adventures and lessons that have led her to the successful, happy, and healthy place she is today.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Hold the shrieking !
- By Dawne on 11-27-15
By: Drew Barrymore
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There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say
- By: Paula Poundstone
- Narrated by: Paula Poundstone
- Length: 5 hrs and 59 mins
- Abridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 577
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 362
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Story4 out of 5 stars 357
What do the lives of Lincoln, Helen Keller, Joan of Arc, and other historical figures have in common with Paula Poundstone? In the hands of this wryly observant and self-deprecating comedian, the answer is outrageously funny and unexpectedly touching. Poundstone compares her crazy life to theirs, as she holds forth on her children, her career, and the time in her life when it appeared she would lose them both.
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5 out of 5 stars
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More!
- By Evelyn on 02-11-07
By: Paula Poundstone
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It Takes Two
- Our Story
- By: Jonathan Scott, Drew Scott
- Narrated by: Drew Scott, Jonathan Scott
- Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 905
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 818
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 818
It Takes Two: Our Story shares never-before-revealed tales of the Scott brothers' childhood and rise to fame - from starting their first business at seven years old and their years modeling and acting to their first house purchase at the impressive young age of 18. They soon found their true passion in life, combining their natural gifts for entertaining with the skills they learned from buying, renovating, and selling homes.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Not Worth the Time or $2.95
- By Sharlotte on 03-06-18
By: Jonathan Scott, and others
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Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic
- And Other Opinions I Can't Back Up with Facts
- By: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Narrated by: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Length: 4 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 75
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 67
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 67
In this latest mommy audiobook from the popular blogger, author, and TV personality, Stefanie will share her secrets for achieving a balance in motherhood between being protective and caring and downright bats--t crazy. She'll debunk some of the looniest parenting myths and reinforce others; she'll describe how, through as simple a process as good old trial and error, she's learned to pick and choose what works for her and her family, and tune out the rest.
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5 out of 5 stars
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You’re A Parent Now...Don't Mess It Up
- By Tim on 04-16-15
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Liner Notes
- On Parents & Children, Exes & Excess, Death & Decay, & a Few of My Other Favorite Things
- By: Loudon Wainwright III
- Narrated by: Loudon Wainwright III
- Length: 10 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 63
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 60
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 60
A memoir by the influential Grammy Award-winning singer and actor - son of journalist Loudon Wainwright, former husband of Kate McGarrigle and Suzzy Roche, and father of Rufus Wainwright, Martha Wainwright, Lucy Wainwright Roche, and Lexie Kelly Wainwright - a captivating meditation on relationships and creativity from the patriarch of one of America's great musical families. With a career spanning more than four decades, Loudon Wainwright III has established himself as one of the most enduring singer-songwriters who emerged from the late '60s.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Best ever book for listening
- By Jeff Bernhardt on 10-29-17
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A Little Bit Wicked
- Life, Love, and Faith in Stages
- By: Kristin Chenoweth
- Narrated by: Kristin Chenoweth
- Length: 6 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 484
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 312
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 313
In this frank and funny memoir, the Tony Award-winning star of stage and screen shares her journey from small-town Oklahoma to big-time Broadway, vamping on what it takes to stand firmly on a foundation of family and faith while wearing a hot pair of Jimmy Choo platform sling-backs.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Salt of the Earth + Sparkles
- By Holly on 10-01-09
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Shattered
- Struck Down, But Not Destroyed
- By: Frank Pastore, Ellen Vaughn
- Narrated by: Frank Pastore
- Length: 6 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 77
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 63
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 63
Shattered is part sports audio book, because you’ll go on road trips, enter clubhouses, and walk on the fields of professional baseball. It’s part romantic novel, because you’ll journey with two young kids who fall in love and eventually elope, evading not only her family, but the law as well - for she was only 16. It’s also a story of brokenness, betrayal, and burn-out. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, if you’ve ever had your dreams fall apart, been betrayed by close friends, or hit the psychological “wall” in your professional career, this is your audio book too.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Loved it
- By Jim Battle on 01-29-23
By: Frank Pastore, and others
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Lose Well
- By: Chris Gethard
- Narrated by: Chris Gethard
- Length: 9 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 388
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 339
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 341
Let’s face it: we all want a seat at the cool table, a great job, and loads of money. But most of us won’t be able to achieve this widely accepted, black-or-white, definition of winning, which makes us feel like failures, that we’re destined to a life of loserdom. That’s the conventional wisdom. It’s also crap, according to comedian and cult hero Chris Gethard, who knows a thing of two about losing. Failing is an art form, he argues; in fact, it’s the only the way we’re ever going to discover who we are, what we really want, and how to live the kind of life we only dreamed about.
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5 out of 5 stars
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WHAT A LOSER
- By Amazon Customer on 01-26-19
By: Chris Gethard
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Kian and Jc: Don't Try This at Home!
- By: Kian Lawley, Jc Caylen
- Narrated by: Kian Lawley, Jc Caylen
- Length: 1 hr and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 358
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 319
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Story5 out of 5 stars 318
From personalities and entertainers Kian Lawley and Jc Caylen comes a completely wild and entirely true account of their rise to Internet fame: Kian and Jc: Don't Try This at Home! More than seven million YouTube subscribers, five million Twitter followers, and five million Instagram followers cannot wait for this sometimes hilarious, sometimes awkward, and always crazy collection of stories and interviews narrated by Kian and Jc themselves.
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5 out of 5 stars
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OMG
- By Lesley on 06-28-16
By: Kian Lawley, and others