Dating in the straight world often comes with a lot of gendered assumptions about who takes initiative, in what ways, and what sexual interactions look like. Unlearning these assumptions can be tough when beginning to pursue dates or relationships with queer folks.

Although Orion has had anonymous gay sex for two decades, he is just beginning to explore dating queer people in the light of day. In this episode, Orion interviews Vanessa, asking questions for advice on effective, kind and respectful ways to approach queer dating.

Vanessa is pansexual and has dated people of all genders, including queer and trans folks since she was 14. She caveats her perspective as limited to the life experience of a cisgender woman, including the suggestion that all dating interactions may be best approached from a beginner’s mindset, learning about each individual and their preferences.

Her proposals for respectful approaches to dating also have some universal application, including for straight men.

Being silly is often dismissed as frivolous, inappropriate and childish, incompatible with adult responsibilities. But a lot of research shows that silly play can be a life-giving activity, increasing creativity, reducing anxiety, and deepening social connections.

While T.Max has always enjoyed being silly in playful hobbies like snowboarding and skateboarding, over the last few years, they have begun applying the same mentality to BDSM kink play. Far from the popular imagination of BDSM as whips and screaming submission in a dungeon, T.Max describes an approach to kink that includes flowers, giggles, candles and easy-going exploration.

The approach to kink that T.Max describes is not for everyone, but it does offer an entry point to kink that may feel more accessible to many people. It also presents a mindset of curiosity and openness to asking and receiving no’s that allows for trying new things while still centering enthusiastic consent.

For many people, polyamory offers a host of benefits, like sexual and emotional freedom, deep connections with multiple people, and an abundance of love. However, it’s not without challenges, like balancing time between partners and managing jealousy and expectations.

The transition from monogamy to polyamory can be rocky for people new to an idea that isn’t often represented in media and societal expectations. Adrian describes their first transition into open relationships, including their initial struggle with self-doubt and shame. Eventually, they found other polyamorous partners and developed self-acceptance around their relationship desires. They also continued learning through the experience of dating a previously monogamous partner and exploring polyamory for the first time.

Today, Adrian leads a discussion and support group on health polyamory. Through this group, they have seen many couples new to polyamory studying and discussing how to enter this world. They share patterns they have observed and recommendations on how to best shed the “monogamy hangover” to enter into sustainable and positive non-monogamy.

When filming porn or exploring kink, like impact play, bondage, or humiliation, consent becomes more complex and nuanced than off-camera or vanilla sex. Hazel Havoc, a long-time pro-domme, pornstar and personal life kinkster, explains methods to ensure that all participants are experiencing BDSM and porn in a way that is positive and desirable.

Hazel uses a variety of communication strategies to prepare for scenes that range in their depth and formality depending on the circumstances. She shares the little card she keeps in her wallet to remind her of the categories of questions to check in about before play. She also describes the longer questionnaire she uses with more professional, complex scenes. Even with ample preparation, not every situation works for all participants; safe words, repair and aftercare are also important components of positive sex.

These approaches may be most useful for people engaging in BDSM play, or producing or starring in porn. However, the ethos of extensive conversation before, during and after play can also apply to less kinky sexual play and vanilla romantic partnerships, wherein negotiation deepens connection and trust.

Please note that this episode includes discussion of rape and sexual assault.

Everyone processes relationship jealousy and traumatic experiences, like sexual assault, differently. Some people find that avoiding situations that cause jealousy and avoiding situations that remind them of their past experiences of assault help them remain emotionally healthy.

While these strategies are useful for many, Vanessa shares a different, potentially unconventional approach she uses to release trauma, fear and jealousy. Rather than avoiding the jealousy-provoking or triggering experiences, she leans into them, exposing herself to them in intimate settings, asking her partners for help eroticizing them through kink and sexual play.

Hearing intense details about the sexual activities of her partners and roleplaying with consensual non-consent (CNC) have allowed Vanessa to overcome years of struggle with these feelings. She offers recommendations for how this approach may be helpful for people exploring options to overcome fears like relationship abandonment and assault.

Society’s dominant cultural narratives suggest that most couples would prefer the security of monogamous marriage. However, the explosive popularity of hotwife and swinger porn genres makes it clear that many couples, even straight married couples, have an interest in exploring more slutty, open relationship styles.

Orion Pax takes us on his journey of uncovering why he is so drawn to slutty women, especially women who have sex with anonymous men, attend adult theaters, or participate in gangbangs. He explains what emotional meaning and intimacy he derives from these relationships. He also shares how some relationships he thought were rooted in the woman’s authentic desire for slutting turned into something more monogamous.

He concludes with lessons for how to identify women who authentically desire slutty sex and how to sustain healthy meaningful connections in this relationship style.

Coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer was a lot harder several decades ago. Many people coped with the fear of unsafety by staying in the closet, resulting in the less often discussed experience of coming out in middle age or later in life.

While there’s more acceptance and support of queer lives today that makes it a little easier and safer for young people to come out, there are still many parts of the country where being LGBTQ is hard or even dangerous.

Local queer community leader, T.Max, came of age in conservative rural America in the 1980s where they coped with bullying and physical assault for perceived queerness by staying in the closet. Their story of survival and their choice to come out decades later at age 50 is relatable for young queer people struggling to survive today, as well as older adults exploring what T.Max refers to as a “second adolescence”.

It’s super important to discuss regular testing and easy access to treatment for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), but conversation about STIs usually stops there. Common medical advice usually directs you to abstain from sex for the treatment period. What they should really be saying is abstaining from genital-to-genital and genital-to-mouth contact.

Let’s get specific, folks. There’s a world of options for sexual connection and there’s no reason your sex and dating life needs to come to a screeching halt while you deal with the STI.

In this episode, I share personal experiences after a recent STI, offering 10 hot ways to wait out an STI. You’ll hear about impact and power play, kink roleplays, dildo penetration, mutual masturbation, flirting adventures, compersion, romantic connection, and more.

I hope you don’t have to experience STIs, but if you love being slutty like me, they’re a reality we just have to contend with, so we might as well have a roaring good time and learn some beautiful things about our partners and ourselves in the process.

@vanessacliff4you