A Broken Soul

Loved the topic! However, I do believe a broken soul is much deeper than you make it sound. To me, it more like a very deep & traumatic hurt that does not heal so easily. Loved the many good points you tallked about. I'm a survivor of life long sexual, verbal, mental, and physical abuse on top of a survivor of child sex-trafficking. I've lived a very traumatic life, which gave me complex PTSD. To the therapist, you know what happens when a child has no attachment to the mother and a father whose not a good role model, but a drunk. Perfect door for Satan to walk right in. I had a very difficult time coming to the Lord as I hated Him, resented Him & thought He cursed me. It wasn't until I was in a deep pit I could not get out of on my own so I was going to end it, which is typical for those who have similar stories. They are either end up being junkies or take their lives. We get raised with distorted views ingrained in our heads. Abuse equated to love. They care about you enough to beat and abuse you so that was live. When we are able to escape from the trafficking, you start looking for "love" which usually leads us to being the woman at the well. Its a very complicated form of brokenness that causes us to search for something. We do not know what our hearts are searching for but we end up finding the wrong thing. We do not know how to live normally without the abuse so we end up getting into marriages with extremely abusive men. Then they throw you away. This cycle repeats itself over and over again until you come to a point in your life full of embarrassment, shame, trash, humiliated, rejected and just go paralyzed and numb. We are so blinded by our past that we cannot see that the desperate desire we were experiencing & searching for was true. A love that only God can give you, which could not be found on earth. Everything in our lives and the way we functioned was like being stuck in the fight, flight. or freeze crisis mode 24/7. With that comes a fast paced brain overload so we're unable to think properly. Many, including me, felt abandoned & rejected by God so we could not hear his calling. Then, most will build an even taller and stronger wall around ourselves and we get hard hearted. For myself, I determined in my heart that I would never submit to any man, not even anyone in the Trinity because to me, they were just men, which I hated with a passion. If they were as Him, He and His, it wasn't going to happen. It gets ingrained into us that no one in heaven " would ever know or experience what woman like us went through or how we felt. All men were put on the same level as our abusers. Of course I questioned those in the Trinity if they even had any love love for women or were they just created to be the property of men, along with baby makers, especially as witnessed in the Old Testament. I was hard as a rock, completely numb, paralyzed, and very empty. I felt like everything flowed out of me and I became just one heck of a hard empty shell of a person. At that moment, Christ reached down His loving hand & pulled me out of that pit. Little did I know that God had already made some preparations for me. He stopped me from doing something I would regret & something that would hurt my mom. He had already worked everything out to where I could just rest. He gave me a little over a year just to sleep, calm my mind, and gave me some peace. The Lord took careful care of me in my fragile state like a mother hen. Then, the next 3 years He ministered to me. He kept everyone away so it would just be us. He tore down many things barriers within me, but I was still numb and could not feel. Everyt8me I would crack open the Bible to a random page and read, it was always stories like the Levites unknown concubine, the rapes of David and Jacob's daughter and how the fathers handled it, how women were unclean when they where created that way, treated like a hot commodity etc. and I would throw the Bible and shout, "Really God, I hate You?" But Christ had patience with me, knowing people like me are not going to heal over night and that is why I think Christ took His time with me. He stayed with me the entire time. I still resented God, but He helped me through that. After another 3 years of alone time with Christ, I found out why I had to go through what I did & what God's plan for me was. Meanwhile, Satan kept guiding me back to the Bible to hear other horrific treatment of women & I heard Satan talking to me like see how fathers treated their daughters? Fathers sold their daughters into a marriage for their own selfish benefit, rape victims had to marry their abusers, how men broke God's coandments about adultery and that was just fine. Did he ever consider how his wife and those other sex slaves felt? Satan kept whispering in my ear how God never really cared for women as 8f he did, they would have not been so mistreated & oppressed. I again was developing a stronger resentment toward God. My flesh, soul and spirit was incredibly wounded, shattered, and deeply broken. Your dead on about the beauty being missed. Christ never gave up on me. I live contently alone with Christ and I still have my days, but I know who is leading me and my hate toward anything related to a male was turned into love. I forgave and God forgave me. I am a certified missionary and of course my goal is to get into women's ministry because it is very difficult to find people who are educated in Complex Trauma. It's difficult to understand unless you have been through it. I want to stop women's suicide who have been usually hiding and being silent about the abuse they have suffered. I am down to 2 last barriers, which is softening my heart more and stopping myself isolation. But I will get there and more doors will open in God's time. God bless all you beautiful people.

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