We’re back in the kingdom of HO-HOs and Lititz, PA. Yes, that’s right, the SOFA Kingdom, to be exact. This time, joined by the royal family as Sofa Queen also joins us on spectator duty while the King and I have our jolly time. That being said, these stories were random as all hell but also fun as all hell and I blame all of that on Sofa King - he’s just that kinda guy. He read through my list, he checked it twice, he found these ones to be the weirdest and I’m just along for the ride. The same way you’re along for the ride. Well, not the EXACT same, but you get my point. Buckle in - we’re going places. Are they fun places? Not really. They’re dangerous and weird. But we’re INTO that. RIGHT? Right.

10 Years as an Escort and this was Not in my Job Description(40:53)

I Found a USB Stick AKA The Long Face(1:10:29)

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership.
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I meant to sing a little song to Scutch when I saw him a couple months ago and recorded this episode but I forgot. Of course, it’s because I got too drunk and because I was too excited to talk to him about Game of Thrones and Aliens. You know, the usual. Why wouldn’t I be excited about that, Scutch is one of my favorite people on the show because of his life experience and perspective on things and talking to people about Aliens(and Game of Thrones) tells you a lot about a person; Like, for example, if they suck or not. As you know or as you’re about to see, neither myself nor Scutch MacGee suck. We’re realistic and fun and think that Game of Thrones was ruined by two directors and their egos and that aliens absolutely exist and we’re just here for it. Any aspect of it, really. We’re here for all the tall and short fuckers out there as long as they’re spying on us, keeping us in check on a galactic level, and not being overtly weird about it. That would be hella awkward. We might actually care, then. Good thing we don’t. Good thing we care MORE about how much Game of Thrones sucks than about the existence of other life forms being 100% confirmed by our government. Yeah, that checks out. Here’s some stories:

A Mist Between Blue and Grey(1:29:47)

This is Not a Place of Honor(1:41:04)

The Real Reason my Husband Shot Himself(1:55:58)

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership.
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The Deputy is back and he killed the Sheriff himself. What more need be said? A lot, I suppose. Join us for some NIGHT SWIM and join us for some more hard-boiled cops that play by the rules. No, nothing weird about that. Totally by-the-books procedural here. Nothing out of the ordinary going on. Just regular old story-time with Grandpa. Definitely no nightmare inspiring unsolved mysteries here. Definitely nothing that’s managed to haunt this old man until his final days. Definitely no dead kids, either. Who’s asking? Really? No, seriously. Now I’m concerned. There’s nothing wrong with Grandpa OR his stories, okay? Now, tuck in for night-night, drink your glass of warm milk, and open up your butt, cause we’re coming in.

My Grandpa, a Retired Homicide Detective, just Told Me the Case that still Keeps Him Up at Night(24:34)

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership.
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So, Slappy haunted my dreams as a kid, that’s no surprise. I’ll talk about that forever. I’ll talk about how the Goosebumps TV show haunted me as a kid. That’s fine. Curse me, if you will. But maybe it is all rose-tinted shades from here on out or really, what are a couple of 30-year old men doing reading Goosebumps anyway? Are we really that far out of the recommended audience to glean anything from these narratives? Yes. Yes, I think we honestly are. Does that mean we’re going to stop reading them? Of course not. It’s too funny to stop now. Plus, Mr. Skellybones and I are having one hell of a time doing so. Just pals pallin’ around, you know. Taking a dip in the cold lake together. Skinny dipping, as it were. And let me tell you, we’re not the only boners in this lake, either. Just another reason not to send your kids away to camp, right? How many episodes revolve around this, I mean - never mind. Let’s get to it.

The Curse of Camp Cold Lake - Goosebumps #56 (21:26)

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership.
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I’m gonna make that joke about how I drug myself every Christmas Eve, now. Well, I guess I already did, didn’t I? Christmas is supposed to be a day about getting together with the family or those close enough to be blood, and sharing some special time with each other where you don’t just sniff each others farts and lick each others assholes. I mean, if you end up doing either of those literal things,  good for you, but you can do that on any other day and it’d be fine too. Christmas, as I was saying, isn’t supposed to be about a gross amount of red spidery creatures attacking the neighborhood and scaring everyone, only to get mowed down in a second act effort seamlessly. Oops. Spoilers. Merry Christmas every one, I give you the gift of not giving a fuck. What can I say? I’m still pretty drugged up since Christmas Eve. 

Every Year on Christmas Eve my Parents Drug Us.  I Found Out Why(13:06)

By u/catinthecupboard on r/nosleep

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership. 
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I’d make a joke about how I drug myself every Christmas Eve, but it seems too easy. The truth is, I drug myself throughout this entire season. I can’t stand it, to be honest. The entire capitalist, competitive spirit of gift-giving mixed with overbearing debt and rising suicide rates and low mental health for the entirety of winter keeps me as dreary and bleak as the 5PM snow-blind darkness. But hey, yeah, let’s all pretend to be okay with one another and ourselves long enough to have a good holiday, yeah? At least I have my best friend by my side to read a wonderful two-parter with, right? This story is good, after all, and I’m glad we found it at the time we did - tis the season and all. What an apt title, after all. 

Every Year on Christmas Eve my Parents Drug Us.  I Found Out Why(42:21)

By u/catinthecupboard on r/nosleep

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership. 
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BUT YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS. Ain’t that right people? Today’s episode introduces us to a new guest that needs a perfect introduction in an otherwise perfect little contained episode. Royale w/ Cheese wanted to get broken in on some of the King and who am I to supply him with anything but. This is the third time we’re reading King, as we’ve read The Jaunt and The Raft on two other episodes, but today we’re gonna read a couple of his shorter features off of well known collection. Royale w/ Cheese curated this episode, folks, so it really can’t be better. What a way to celebrate our SEVEN YEAR anniversary, huh? It may not look like it or even sound like it to everyone else, but the reason I chose to celebrate with Kitty aka Torus Filth earlier this month and then bring in a new player like Royale w/ Cheese is just to show how far we’ve come - these are two fans who started off as you: listeners of the show. I remember starting the show and doing the work as early as November 2016 and here we are in November of 2023 doing the LORD’S WORK, people. HAIL TO THE KING, INDEED. 

Battleground(26:58)

Strawberry Spring(53:46)

The Ledge(1:24:30)

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“Astral Alley“ is not my song. I do not claim ownership. 
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