RESOURCES: REGISTER HERE for Leslie's FREE Workshop, If He Doesn't Hit Me, Is it Still Abuse? God Cares. September 24th, 2024, 12pm & 7:30pm Eastern

JOIN CONQUER!! September 24 - October 4th

In this episode, Betty shares her journey through CONQUER, a program that played a pivotal role in her life, first as a married woman and later after her divorce. She discusses how she rediscovered her core values, tackled people-pleasing habits, and found invaluable community support. Her story is a testament to personal growth and resilience, offering hope and a heartfelt prayer for those facing tough times.

• Twice the Impact: Betty took CONQUER courses twice—first married, then divorced in December 2016. She reflects on how this dual experience shaped her perspective and growth.

• Discovering Authenticity: Betty's journey to rediscover her core values. Insightful question: "Who did God make you to be?"

• Moving Beyond People Pleasing: Role plays and self-awareness exercises in CONQUER helped her recognize and overcome patterns of people-pleasing.

• Community and Support: Importance of community in Betty's healing journey. Deep connections and friendships formed through CONQUER.

• Transformation and Growth: Betty's evolution spiritually and emotionally. Living authentically and secure in identity and faith.

• Gratitude and Mentorship: Betty's shares her appreciation for Leslie Vernick's mentorship and teaching. Impactful moments of support and guidance.

• Finding Meaning in Difficult Times: Drawing from Isaiah 45:3—finding treasures in darkness. Recognizing God's presence and provision in challenging times.

• Encouragement for Listeners: Words of encouragement for those in similar journeys. Embrace inner work, community support, and spiritual growth.

• Closing Thoughts and Prayer: Betty's closing reflections on her journey. Heartfelt prayer for listeners in difficult circumstances.

RESOURCES:

Register Here for Leslie's Free Workshop

Are You in a Destructive Marriage Test/Quick Start Guide

Pam's Journey:

• Reflects on her marriage of over two decades overshadowed by manipulation and deceit.
• Discovering her husband's hidden behaviors: excessive gambling, pornography use, and financial mismanagement.
• The emotional toll of deception and cycles of hope and disappointment.
• The turning point: uncovering infidelity and confronting the reality of emotional abuse.

Navigating Healing and Transformation:

• Coping with legal and financial challenges amidst ongoing deceit and manipulation.
• Finding solace in resources like Leslie Vernick's teachings and support groups.
• Recognizing and addressing emotional abuse: setting boundaries and focusing on personal healing.
• Spiritual growth and redefining beliefs about marriage and submission.

Reflections and Moving Forward:

• Challenges and victories in navigating divorce and rebuilding self-worth.
• The role of support systems: friends, family, and therapeutic interventions.
• Embracing opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment beyond the confines of marriage.
• Insights into reclaiming identity and finding empowerment in life after abuse.

RESOURCES: Julie Bonn Blank's website https://www.juliebonnblank.com/ Abuse Recover Ministry: https://abuserecovery.org/ Book: "On the Frontlines of Abuse" Books by Julie Bonn Blank

• Near-Death Experience

  • Julie Bonn Blank shares her profound spiritual experience after a near-death allergic reaction
  • Impact on her faith journey and ministry

• Understanding Coercive Control

  • Definition and examples of coercive control in relationships
  • Its role in perpetuating abuse dynamics

• Highlighting ARMS Programs

  • Overview of "Her Journey" program for survivors of domestic violence
  • Explanation of "Mankind and Virtue" program for abusers

• Challenges in Church Responses

  • Discussion on how churches address abuse within their congregations
  • Importance of supportive and accountable church environments

• Personal Reflections on Healing and Relationships

  • Julie's insights on building healthy relationships after abuse
  • Differences and learnings from past experiences

• Women may hesitate to show physical affection due to fear of it being seen as an invitation for sex.
• It’s important to communicate intentions clearly when offering hugs, kisses, or other forms of affection.
• An effective way to set boundaries: “I love being close to you, but I don’t always want it to lead to sex.”
• Men should understand that affectionate gestures are not always signals for sex; ongoing dialogue is key.

• Faking orgasms can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship.
• Honest communication about sexual desires and experiences is essential.
• If a woman is not in the mood for orgasm, she should express this openly: “I want to be close to you but don’t expect me to reach orgasm.”
• Focus on connection and mutual pleasure rather than performance.

• Certain practices, such as extramarital sex and harmful activities, are considered off-limits.
• Biblical teachings emphasize respect, mutual consent, and preserving the sanctity of sexual relationships.
• Open dialogue about preferences and boundaries helps maintain a healthy relationship.

• Covert marital rape can involve emotional or spiritual coercion, where consent is not freely given.
• True consent involves the ability to express desires and boundaries without fear of negative consequences.
• If coerced into compliance, seek professional help and support to address these issues.

• There is disagreement in the church on this topic.
• Masturbation can be a natural part of sexuality and may not necessarily indicate problems in a relationship.
• It’s important to discuss personal needs and expectations about masturbation within the context of the marriage.
• Addressing how masturbation affects the relationship openly and respectfully can lead to greater understanding and alignment.

• Feeling deceived when a partner’s sexual preferences or desires differ from expectations can be challenging.
• It’s important to address these concerns openly with your partner and seek to understand each other’s needs and boundaries.
• Consider couples counseling to explore these issues in a safe, guided environment.
• Building a supportive relationship where both partners feel heard and valued is crucial, even if sexual desires do not align perfectly.

• Long-term relationships, like homes, require regular maintenance and repair.
• Addressing emotional, physical, or relational damage is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
• Prioritize well-being and safety; if a partner’s behavior consistently harms the relationship, consider seeking therapy or reevaluating the relationship.

• Marriage and intimate relationships involve navigating various challenges and dynamics.
• Clear communication, mutual respect, and honest dialogue are essential for a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
• Seek support and resources to address issues and build a stronger partnership

RESOURCES: Resources: Kobe’s book: Why Am I Like This?: How to Break Cycles, Heal from Trauma, and Restore Your Faith Dwell Bible App

In this episode, Kobe explores the intersection of prayer, therapy, and setting boundaries in the journey of healing from relational wounds and trauma. Drawing from personal and professional experiences, Kobe shares insights and practical tools to empower listeners in their healing journey.

Prayer as a Healing Practice:

• Importance of Prayer: Prayer serves as a foundational practice in connecting with God and seeking emotional and spiritual healing.
• Prayer in Daily Life: Kobe shares personal experiences where prayer has been pivotal in navigating challenges and finding peace amidst turmoil.

Spiritual Insights and Healing:

• Learning from Elijah: Elijah's journey in 1 Kings 19, is where God provided resources for endurance rather than immediate escape from suffering.
• Price of Righteousness: Doing the right thing does not always lead to immediate positive outcomes, yet God provides strength and resources for those who persevere.

Benefits of Therapy and Coaching:

• Perspective Beyond Pain: Therapy and coaching offer insights outside one's immediate suffering, essential for moving beyond trauma.
• Healing Responsibility: While not responsible for the initial wounds, individuals are accountable for their healing journey.
• Questioning for Growth: Asking oneself questions is pivotal for healing, acknowledging there are answers beyond current understanding.

Setting Boundaries and Biblical Perspective:

• Importance of Boundaries: Setting boundaries is biblical and mirrors God's design for relationships, fostering mutual respect and safety.
• Misconceptions: Boundaries are not about punishment but safeguarding conditions for personal thriving and mutual respect.

Breath Prayer for Healing:

• Kobe shares a breath prayer exercise as a contemplative practice, combining deep breathing with a prayerful connection to God's presence.

RESOURCES:

• Leslie's Free Webinar: www.leslievernick.com/o
• Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
• Leslie Vernick’s book: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko and Leslie Vernick delve into the concept of "core strength" and its critical importance for women navigating destructive relationships. This episode is designed for any woman who feels she may be in a harmful relationship, offering practical insights on how to build and use core strength in everyday life, whether she chooses to stay or leave.

1. Understanding Core Strength:

   • Leslie shares her personal journey of realizing the importance of core strength, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. She introduces the concept with a metaphor of physical fitness, explaining how just as a strong core prevents physical collapse, emotional core strength prevents women from collapsing under the weight of a destructive relationship.

2. Core Strength Components:

   • Courageously Committed to Truth: Living in reality, not denial, and embracing the truth even when it's difficult.
   • Open to the Holy Spirit and Wise Others: The importance of being teachable and surrounding oneself with wisdom rather than just strong opinions.
   • Taking Responsibility: Understanding personal responsibility for one’s safety, well-being, and character development without shifting blame.
   • Empathy with Boundaries: Balancing compassion with the necessity of setting boundaries that protect against enabling destructive behavior.

3. Practical Applications:

   • Leslie and Julie explore practical scenarios where core strength is applied, including handling disagreements about finances, asserting one's needs, and setting boundaries with a controlling or abusive partner.
   • They discuss the importance of detachment and how women can maintain their emotional and spiritual well-being despite external pressures from a difficult partner.

4. Facing Reality and Fear:

   • The episode addresses the fear of confronting harsh realities, like leaving an abusive situation or facing the consequences of setting boundaries. Leslie emphasizes the need to acknowledge fear but not let it dictate actions.

5. Building a Safety Plan:

   • The importance of having a safety plan is discussed for women who find themselves in physically dangerous situations. Resources and steps to create a safety plan are provided.

6. Wise Counsel and Discernment:

   • How to discern between wise advice and manipulative counsel, especially in a church setting. The importance of aligning advice with the true character of God, as revealed through Jesus, is highlighted.

• RESOURCES Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times by Stormie OMartian Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Reflecting on the Past

Laura talks about her hard memories of the marriage bed and how she took time after leaving her marriage to observe how others interacted in their marriages. She realized that healthy relationships exist and had to rewrite the script in her mind about what is normal and healthy.

Challenging the Spouse

Laura describes how challenging her husband or saying no would lead to either being ignored, receiving a different storyline, or being told she was wrong. She mentions how this would escalate to character assassination, erasing what she thought and wanted, making her feel she had to go along with what he did.

Hitting the Wall

As her kids got older, financial troubles and unstable work for her husband added to the stress. Three occasions in four months where her husband physically hit her were pivotal. After the first incident, she contacted the church, seeking accountability, but it led to no meaningful support. Her husband never acknowledged his actions.

Lack of Support and Apologies

Laura shares how her husband never apologized or acknowledged the abuse, often claiming that incidents never happened or were accidental.

Physical and Emotional Abuse

Laura explains why she did not call the police, mentioning her fear of creating a bigger mess and the belief that any report would lead to someone going to jail. She learned the importance of documentation and how having a case number could have helped her later.

Fear and Control

Laura recounts another incident where her husband shoved her out of bed, leading her to scream for help. She didn't call the police, fearing the consequences. Her husband continued to downplay and dismiss her concerns.

Finding Leslie Vernick

After these incidents, Laura tried one more round of counseling. Seeing her husband act cruelly towards his mother was a turning point. A friend recommended Leslie Vernick's book, which gave her the words to explain her experiences and recognize the patterns of abuse.

Joining Conquer

Laura joined Conquer in 2017. Leslie's teachings and the supportive community were a godsend. She learned about her identity in Christ and how to have healthy relationships, which helped her grow and heal.

Grieving and Healing

Leaving a 32-year marriage involved a grief process for Laura. Time and counseling have been healing. She had to intentionally remember the good times and not vilify her ex. Now, she can pray for him and look forward to advancing God's kingdom in her life.

Moving Forward and Dating Again

After seven years of being divorced, Laura is cautiously open to a new relationship. She approaches it differently, being mindful and keeping other people engaged. She remains true to herself and looks for mutual engagement and respect.

Conclusion

Laura encourages women in similar situations to see their own beauty and courage. She advises focusing on personal health and taking steps towards independence. Empowering oneself and one's children towards Christ and their own identity is crucial.

Encouragement and Next Steps

Laura emphasizes the importance of focusing on individual wellness and taking the next right step. She suggests creating a safety plan and being around supportive people who will speak life into you.