Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello Daughter
Hosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day
Date: 11/06/22
Title: Family secrets: Why we tell them and what that means

Hosts, Drs. Michelle-Miller Day and Allison Alford discuss disclosure, family secrets, and the impact on the family. Allison shares a story about a daughter dealing with the fallout of her father’s financial secret. Michelle shares a personal story about a big family secret that she discovered a few years back. First, we learn about disclosure. Self-disclosure occurs when you share something private. This could bring us closer and be beneficial or it could create disconnect.

Some things to know about secrets:

1. Secrets are information that eventually gets disclosed in some way.
2. Secrets can be perceived as necessary to protect oneself or others in the family, especially to avoid judgment.
3. Vangelisti says “intrafamily secrets,” information disclosed to some but not all family members, are the most destructive king.
4. Secrets that build up and fester can become a very big problem in families.
5. Pennebaker says negative secrets can lead to feelings of betrayal and anxiety.
6. Greater levels of secrecy within a family are associated with overall increased dissatisfaction.

Michelle and her sister Susan get very real and vulnerable by telling their personal stories of secrets within their family. We learn about Michelle’s DNA test revelations revealing a surprising paternity and how that has impacted her identity within the greater family. Susan shares about her experience with a hidden pregnancy during the 70s. Susan broke the cycle of intergenerational family secrets by raising her children to always tell the truth and talk everything out. She encourages mothers and daughters to keep the lines of communication open to avoid toxic secrets that undermine cohesion and connection within families. Remember, it’s never too late to change and start talking about secrets within your family!

In this portion of the podcast, we hear a question from a listener and provide some tips for connection. Hello Mother, Hello Daughters! 5 things you can do if your family has secrets

1. If you discover a family secret, let yourself feel how you feel!
2. Process in healthy ways.
3. Remember, time is a factor when thinking about family secrets.
4. Realize you are not defined by others’ secrets.
5. After learning a secret, decide where you want to go from here.

Thanks for joining us on today’s podcast. If you got something out of it, share it with a friend and leave us a review!

Citations:

Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions: Guilford Press. Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Healing-Confiding-Others/dp/0688088708/

Vangelisti, A. (2009) Feeling hurt in close relationships.Cambridge University Press. Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Close-Relationships-Advances-Personal/dp/0521866901/

Credits:

Produced by Michelle Miller-Day
Graphic Design by Malia Niell
Question from Alexis (thanks!)
Social Media management by Ella Kodjababian
Music by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusic

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