Resourcing your relationship: Daughtering from a place of provision A discussion w/ Kat Foster

The wait is finally over! What better way to launch season 2 of Hello Mother, Hello Daughter than by having Kat Foster on the podcast? Kat Foster (@iamkatfoster) is a profoundly versatile, classically-trained actor known for her leading roles in a wide range of film, television, and theater productions. Her recent creative endeavor, a short film, connected Kat to Allison and Michelle’s work through the term daughtering.

In their discussion, Kat describes the role and behaviors associated with daughtering through the notion of replenishing, or resourcing, oneself first in order to daughter effectively. This sense of individuation guides daughters in understanding their own needs, even if mothering cannot fulfill them. Sharing her personal experience as both a mother and a daughter, Kat explains how looking inwards makes visible the ways that one is resourced, both positively and negatively, in their mother-daughter relationship. In turn, this can help daughters recognize areas to be grateful for as well as those in need of repair.

Kat’s short film Daughtering–which she wrote, directed, and starred in–serves as an example of resourcing through creative means. She describes a sense of profound connection, which is portrayed in the film yet not found in her offscreen mother-daughter relationship. The short film’s relation to a longing for mothering serves as a way of processing complex relationships in which there is both compassion and resentment.

Allison and Kat reference the concept of "separating the being from the doing" when understanding daughtering. They discuss "daughtering and being" through identity, feelings, and thoughts, allowing daughters to make peace with themselves. In contrast, “doing daughtering” does not necessarily mean elder caregiving, as care can be shown through emotional support and acts of service. Consider how as daughters, we may desire for our mothers to live more fully, whether that be overcoming a fear or enjoying activities they love!

The podcast ends with a tip (or homework?!) from our hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day, to account for the ways one is resourced or needs resources in their mother-daughter relationship: Make a list of what you have in your mother-daughter relationship that strengthens connection, as well as what makes it difficult to engage in the relationship. Reflecting on the items on this list can bring awareness to your daughtering resources.

Find more on Kat Foster:
Kat Foster IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1928172/
Daughtering IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14558074/

Memorable quote from Kat
“You can’t care for people if you are under resourced, yet giving your resources is a pleasure, like a wonderful symbiotic relationship.”

Memorable quote from Allison
“Being great daughters means being good to ourselves first.”

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