This week we are trying our best to get reinstated to our jobs while we discuss “Three Words”! We’re talking our triumphant return to the Mulder-only plot summaries, how much we’ve come to love Kersh and his evil ways, how Scully will still be working cases while she’s in labor, how much Doggett misses his pull tab case, and how much Mulder hates Doggett right off the bat. We laugh at Knowle Rohrer and the most suspicious hoodie of all time, how Scully is BESIDE HERSELF apparently, whether Skinner and Kersh take bets on their agents, that Doggett doesn’t know what a firewall is, and that Scully’s baby will happily help her threaten people. And some encouragement to take you through the week: Put a rise in your Levi’s.

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This week we are adding another member to the crew and breaking into old women’s houses while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Bond, Jimmy Bond” and “Eine Kleine Frohike”! We’re talking the ongoing motif of humiliating poor Tom Braidwood, whether or not Yves has a fake British accent, how much we love the evil henchman Mr. Luscious Lips and his signature move of kissing each bullet he shoots, how Langly has no idea how to clean anything, and say hello to Jimmy Bond. We are on the hunt for a secret Nazi baby, wonder where they got the funds or technology for the Mission Impossible masks, mourn the lack of a makeover montage, wonder if Mr. Luscious Lips disappears in a cloud of cologne, and wonder whether it’s funny to stare at an old woman’s ass. And wise words to remember: Never look a gift himbo in the abs.

Note: We goofed up the audio this week, and so unfortunately it sounds like we’re recording from a very deep well. Sorry about that, and back to the crisp audio you love next week!

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This week we are exhuming dead bodies and redefining the spa experience by sloughing off our entire bodies while we discuss “Deadalive”! We’re talking the dangers of Scully’s membrane rupturing from scary news, how excited we are about the return of the nanobots, how Doggett embodies the “if shit sux hit da bricks” meme, wonder why exactly they’re burying Mulder in North Carolina, and do some star chart and org chart analysis to figure out what Kersh’s deal is. We get embarrassed by Skinner playing keepaway with Krycek, realize that first names can be incredibly threatening, get excited about Skinner and Doggett’s first physical altercation, find it beautiful that everyone wants to pummel Krycek within 5-10 minutes of meeting him, and mourn poor Doggett and all the third-wheeling he will be doing now that Mulder is back. The man doesn’t know what he’s in for! And the one thing we know for sure: Mulder’s urge to bully Krycek truly could pierce the veil of death.

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This week we are spending some time with the boys while we discuss The Lone Gunmen “Pilot”! We’re talking how we are living the darkest future of this show, how strange it is that The Lone Gunmen still don’t seem to care about Mulder’s death, how right it is that Frohike still has a VW van from his hippie days, how apparently the entire crew hates poor Tom Braidwood now, how Byers has perma-baby face, and of course, the long-awaited “closely averting 9/11” plotline. We add Papa Byers to the Bad Dad Club, get some PTSD flashbacks to First Person Shooter, get excited that Langly wore a tie to the funeral, and debate whether there can be any pilots on old-timey shows. This is our warning to you: Be very careful when walking across wet carpet!

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This week we are trying to recover Mulder from a Nike Cult while we discuss “This Is Not Happening”! We’re talking how Theresa Hosey is the original Grunge Teen, how it’s dangerous to let Doggett emote on a plane, that Skinner may not be helpful in this investigation but he does have a great chest to cry into, how Scully and Skinner are like under-socialized dogs meeting a new dog at the park, and celebrate that Annabeth Gish has finally arrived! We worry that Doggett is getting outnumbered by believers, discuss Mulder’s future as a medical skeleton, wonder why Skinner didn’t just follow the trail of spleens Mulder left behind him after the UFO, and cheer on Richie Slay. Listen, we tried valiantly not to laugh at Scully’s “Nooooo!!!” because it is a sad moment, but we don’t quite make it.

Note: The Lone Gunmen coverage starts next week and will be interspersed with the rest of The X-Files Season 8.

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This week we are hoping a government conspiracy hasn’t gotten involved in Scully’s pregnancy again while we discuss “Per Manum”! We’re talking how we can no longer ignore the fact that Scully is pregnant no matter how hard we try, wonder where Mulder kept Scully’s ova this entire time (hopefully not his freezer next to the ice cream), note that Scully and Doggett’s icy-blue eyes are too scary when combined, how Scully would love to reproduce asexually if she could, and how Doggett needs a big net to catch Mulder. We laugh at Scully’s intense commitment to not letting Doggett know a single personal thing about her, how Dr. Parenti’s name as an OBGYN is a little on the nose, shake our heads at Scully and Skinner being mean girls to Doggett, and pause the podcast when we see a mouse in our house. New cutesy phrase stand-off: Maybe Baby vs. Out of the pickle and into the brine.

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This week we are tracking an infectious disease through the Boston subway system while we discuss “Medusa”! We’re talking the very-real Jason Staham cameo, how Dr. Kelso from Scrubs will keep these trains running come hell or high water, wonder if it’s worth it to get infected by flesh-eating creatures if it means you can catch your train home on time, how Doggett is definitely a lover of the New York subway and as a result hates the fair city of Boston, and laugh at a Hazmat team running away from Scully in a brightly-lit hallway. We celebrate the return of the best kind of Scully yelling, get excited about robot sniffers, wonder where this strange tunnel boy came from, disapprove from the questionable service Dump-A-Kid, and wonder why this episode is called Medusa, exactly. We also thank Doggett for saying what we’ve all known to be true: Scully’s the boss.

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This week we are looking into troubling secrets and barfing creatures while we discuss “The Gift”! We’re talking whether or not Scully has any hobbies, how there’s no way Skinner reads any of their case reports, some Geico Caveman kissing ASMR, and how Mulder is screaming at witnesses. He’s back, baby! We’re happy to see Mulder, but we’re troubled by his actions, and isn’t that just like coming home? We discover that Skinner troublingly doesn’t know Mulder at all, how much Mulder hates wife-eaters, we check in on the Man Bat, we wave our cowboy hats around as Doggett gets into a stand-off, and we demonstrate our dedication to actively ignoring both of the major storylines in this season. Our powers of denial are stronger than Scully’s allergy to sharing details of her personal life. Aww… Euthanasia!

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