Finally, Alvie was brought to justice! Now, I know abandoning someone back in Ancient Pompeii before a volcano wipes out the entire town might sound cruel, but you gotta remember, this guy abandoned me on the Titanic...AND, his name's Alvie! ALVIE!! Anyway, even though we made our nemesis pay for his betrayal and we could've just gone home to watch iCarly, me and my future self still wanted to enjoy the very first Thanksgiving meal and also, make sweet, passionate and unselfish sex to the hot pilgrim. And so, we returned to Plymouth Plantation!

It was time. Time for us to go back to the very first Thanksgiving and get my watch back from Alvie. Yes I know, it meant I had to go back to colonial America AGAIN, but despite the time period sucking, I was looking forward to a great meal and Alvie's great reckoning. Spoiler alert: I wind up getting my watch back...oh you don't like spoilers? Then why're you even reading these synopses?

OMG, my future self who was 10 years older came back and rescued me from a miserable life being trapped in the past. And, if I may say, I was looking quite hot in my middle age. Me and myself wanted to do nothing more than bring Alvie to justice and reclaim my time traveling watch, but we both decided that first, we should go to a club and pick up a hot lady!

Well, I was screwed. Not only was I stuck on the Titanic as it hit an iceberg, but I was also feeling super emasculated being held down by the two Alvies and getting my time traveling watch stolen from me. But all was not lost. I could still find a way to survive this whole ordeal, but in order for me to somehow get back to the present, I would first need to get on a lifeboat. But how...

Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds. It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic. This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now. Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter? Yes. Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old? No. Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis? Yes.

Now that I was an enlightened individual, I felt like I didn't need to do any more work on myself and should instead indulge in my sexual desires. So I brainstormed what would be the easiest time period to get laid, and that's when I realized that most of the men in the 1940s were fighting in World War II which meant there was a super high ratio of women to men back in America, so I make my way back to 1944 Los Angeles.

After taking LSD and tripping through time, I felt like I needed some more clarity in life, and so of course, I decide to go back to The Age of Enlightenment. After looking up when and what that actually was, I wind up back in London in 1687 where I meet Sir Isaac Newton before he was a sir. It was also the time before he had ever gotten laid, so I do what anybody in my shoes would do...I help Isaac Newton lose his virginity.

Still reeling from my breakup with the babysitter, I decided I needed to have some me time so I travel to Woodstock because, you know, that's the best place to have me time. While there, I wind up taking some acid and having the craziest trip of all time!