• What does sex mean to me? An inquiry in five parts.

  • Jul 16 2024
  • Duración: 14 m
  • Podcast

What does sex mean to me? An inquiry in five parts.

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  • A few years ago I read Terry Real’s book “Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.” He is a well established couple’s therapist and friends with a fair number of celebrities, with the forward written by Bruce Springsteen.In one chapter he shares the story of two men, a “strikingly handsome couple” that were “killing each other (as they put it) over sex.” One man wanted it all the time, and the other virtually none of the time.He writes “as any good therapist would do, I draw from each of them not just their respective positions but also their interpretation, their narrative, of what sex means to each of them.”I asked myself the same question: what does sex mean to me?And I reflected on my previous and current relationships, and how my narrative may have shifted (or not) over time.I released my inquiry on Instagram over five parts, which you can find (with pictures!) here: One, Two, Three, Four, Five. And I decided to compile them all together in this post and release as a podcast episode. It was a fascinating experience to reflect on, and may stir many things for you. But before you read on…UPCOMING EVENTS & TRAININGSIn two weeks July 26-28 I’m holding my next in-person men’s immersion Awakening the Wild Erotic. We have four spots left, so if this calls to you: Apply Now. In September we’re launching the next cohort of The Deep Masculine, a 12 week online archetypal exploration into the realms of eros, sex & masculinity. Men can an join from anywhere the world. Apply Here.PART ONEMy first sexual experience with a woman was not intentional. I was 15, we were both intoxicated and she lead me into the bathroom at her friends house and proceeded before I knew what was happening. The encounter lasted seconds and I left confused and desiring to strike it from my memory.My first intentional sexual experience was with a middle school girlfriend. She was not a 'virgin' (a terrible construct fyi), and she had more experience. The encounter also lasted a short time before I ejaculated and reacted in a shame spiral that motivated me to literally leave the room, jump in my car and drive away.When I was able to calm down (or ‘auto-regulate’ as Jessica Fern details in her book Polysecure) I returned to my girlfriend's house to reconnect.Over time I began to enjoy sex, even though for the rest of my high school years it had to remain secret from our parents.The only “sex talk” I received from my father was about how many semen live in a teaspoon of sperm - and the likelihood of getting an STD (now of course, we call them STI’s). The sum total of the message being that sex would either 1) get a girl pregnant or 2) give me a disease.I don’t judge him for this, as it’s the story for so many youth. And I’m sure he received that much or even less as he crossed into puberty and his erotic life.What is the consequence of so many of us entering our sexual awakening with experiences of confusion, shame and trauma? And how might it be different?PART TWO At 26 I was married.Looking back it was a ludicrous decision to believe I was experienced enough to understand this massive lifelong commitment. This is a fate shared by most modern newlyweds bereft of true mentorship in love & relationships.In marriage, sex morphed into many things: the cultivation of pleasure, a way to co-regulate, and sometimes an expectation and a chore.Yet, if we went too long without sex, I would sometimes play a passive aggressive game: I would stop initiating entirely and wait to see if she would. This would show me whether she was “actually into it” and ideally show her how much I was carrying our sex life.It was easy to translate her lack of initiation or openness to my advances as rejection. Sex became more sparse and formulaic, as it often does into long term domestic relationships.Six years into the marriage, we shipwrecked on fertility challenges.This was also the time we discovered MDMA, Burning Man, orgy domes, and non-monogamy. For me, it was like landing on a remote island and living my whole life on the beach, thinking that was the entirety of the region to explore. Then suddenly discovering there was a vast archipelago of possibility that I hadn’t known existed.We began tentatively exploring the terrain.I’ll never forget when my wife kissed another man in front of me. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It was as if some fundamental truth about love & relationships had been shattered - that it was possible for my partner and I to share intimacy with others and remain in relationship.For me, there was no turning back. Yet for my wife, I was already racing too far ahead - and it was beyond her desire to follow me to the edges I wanted to explore.Erotic agreements were bent & broken on both sides.And a year later, we separated.PART THREEHeartbroken at the end of my marriage, I dove head long into the erotic underworld.I had lost the dream of the life I ...
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