Creating a Foundation of Trust by Building a Safe Environment

Trust is the foundation of your mentoring relationship. Above all else, your mentee has to believe that you are good and that you want them to succeed.

The author Stephen Covey says “Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

But what if your mentee has experienced hard times? What if there is trauma in their past or they have been betrayed by those who should have been taking care of them?

Because of their histories, it is often difficult for these children to trust the loving adults in their lives, which often results in perplexing behaviors.

While a variety of mentoring strategies may be successful with some children, children with histories of harm need caregiving that meets their unique needs and addresses the whole child.

That is why even some of the most successful parents are confused when what worked with their child does not work with their mentee.

Trust must be established between the mentor and the mentee before you can take any steps of progress in your mentoring relationship. And it can take some time. The reality is that some mentees trust their mentor in three weeks while it takes others over a year. But we can’t give up. We must continue to show up to build trust.

The best way to build trust is to create a safe environment.

Get down on their level.

Make eye contact with them.

Give them space and go at their pace.

Smile often.

Give appropriate touch.

Use words of affirmation often.

Undivided attention.

Be patient.

When your mentee raises their emotions, you stay calm. Listen to them.

This works with eight year olds and eighteen year olds. Even if they look like grown adults, we must always remember that they are still children on the inside.

This safe environment will create a nurturing relationship built on a foundation of trust.

For some of our kids, they are used to adults telling them all that they are doing wrong. Some rarely see an adult smile and take time out of their day to notice them. You get to be the exception.

Keep showing up with a smile on their face. Create a safe environment. Be a stable, consistent adult that they can count on. If your mentee lives in a world where chaos and instability is their normal, meet them with peace and stability.

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Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

All Frustration Comes From Unmet Expectations

There is a temptation in mentoring to try to get your mentee to emulate all that worked for you. You want your mentee to go to college, get a job, wear a suit, and get married because you went to college, got a job, wore a suit, and got married. But what if your mentee doesn’t want to go to college? What if instead of a suit and high-and-tight haircut, he prefers baggy jeans and dreadlocks? Will you be disappointed?

A saying that rings true especially when mentoring kids from hard places is, “All frustration comes from unmet expectations.” I know for me, I had unspoken expectations that I placed on my mentee without even knowing it.

I expected them to make good grades, to be polite, and to have athletic success. I wanted them to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, and go to church.

Don’t get me wrong, these are all good things. There is nothing wrong with giving your mentee the option to do as you have done. But your way is one way, it is not the way. We must be careful not to get caught up trying to get them to emulate us instead of Christ.

I know for me, when my mentees desires didn’t line up with my desires for them, it caused frustration in our relationship. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t want the things that I wanted for them. It would cause me to judge them unfairly, and it caused a rift in our relationship.

Your mentee is different than you. He or she has a different story, different skills, and a different personality than you. Work with your mentee to figure out what God’s unique, individual call and plan is for him or her.

Focus instead on making disciples of Christ. The first step is letting go of the expectations you have for your mentee. As hard as it may be, don’t focus on the end results. Instead, focus on the process of showing up and loving them right where they are. Love them right where they are and accept them just as they are, instead of getting on to them because they are not where you think they should be.

When our expectations aren’t met, frustration sets in. When negativity enters your relationship, the enemy uses it to wreak havoc on the trust you’ve built together. It’s okay to hope your mentee goes to college or has athletic success, but don’t expect it. Expectation is rigid, but hope is flexible. Expectation is assuming something will happen. Hope is wishing or desiring good to happen. Don’t bury your mentee with the weight of having to live up to your expectations.

We all have dreams for our mentees, and there is nothing wrong with that. But a question to ask your mentee is “What are your dreams?” Once you know what they want, you can focus on making their dreams come true, instead of the dreams that you want for them.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Earn the Right to Be Heard

You may have heard the saying “a kid doesn’t care what you know until they know that you care.” It is one of my favorite sayings because I think it is 100% accurate.

I have seen many mentors get rejected when they try to start the mentoring relationship with giving the mentee advice. Simply put, your mentee really doesn’t care what you know. Most are not impressed by your job title or college degree. They don’t want to hear about your financial planning strategy or how you became successful, at least not right off the bat.

We must earn the right to be heard.

Early on in my mentoring journey, one of my mentees named Jason wanted nothing to do with me. All I got from him were icy glares, one word answers, and sarcastic put downs. I would come home rejected and thinking that Jason hated me.

But it was just a test. You see, while I thought Jason didn’t like me, he was really sizing me up to see if he would allow me to be a part of his life. He wasn’t being mean; he was protecting himself. Jason didn’t open up until he knew that I was the real deal, and that took a lot of work.

Here are three ways that you can earn the right to be heard with your mentee.

1. Keep showing up: Perseverance is required in your mentoring journey. Some mentees will warm up to you the second they meet you, but others, especially older mentees, may take some time in opening up. You can win there hearts by continuing to show up time after time with a smile on your face. Know that the fight for their heart is worth it, and the waiting will pay dividends as your relationship progresses. Sarcasm, impatience, or a failure to understand why they won’t open up will delay progress. Smiles, asking questions, and putting yourself in their shoes will help open up the door.
2. Seek first to understand: Realize that you are asking your mentee to open up to a total stranger is a tall order. Entering into the relationship with humility is a great way to earn you the right to be heard. You don’t know what your mentee has been through. You don’t know their past or their story. You probably don’t even know their personality or their temperament. Spend the first season of your mentoring relationship seeking to understand who they are and where they come from. Open them up to your life as well as the opportunities arise. Make it your mission to learn as much as you possibly can about your mentee and how they are wired. We must focus on them, instead of on ourselves.
3. Make their life better: Serving your mentee in whatever way necessary is a great way to earn the right to be heard. How can you make their life better? Be on the lookout for creative ways to bless them. Maybe they need a ride somewhere or a connection to get a job? Perhaps its giving them access to a new experience or a place to hang out with their friends? It also could just be as simple as encouraging them and making sure they leave your presence with a laugh and a smile. Serving them in practical and encouraging ways is a great way to earn favor with your mentee.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

With > For

I love youth ministry. I am the product of a healthy youth group from the 80’s and 90’s that loved me well and gave me the chance to realize my identity and purpose within a group of youth workers and teenagers who were my community during those formative years. I also was blessed by a youth minister named Troy who encouraged me and equipped me to the point that after high school (and some considerable wrestling with the call) I became a youth minister too.

Church leadership through associate pastoring, music ministry, and youth ministry was my only full-time occupation before taking on the role of an executive director of a nonprofit seven years ago.

As much as I love supporting teenagers and watching them realize their IPC in Christ, there is an element of highly-developed mainstream youth ministry I don’t love – and that is the entertainment factor!

All too often, there is a high priority in the church to keep our children, teenagers, (and adults) engaged by entertaining them. It can be seen in the games we play, the songs we sing, and even the sermons we preach! Smoke machines, stage lighting, videos, and pastors not dressing age appropriately can be distracting.

One particular week, I was working on Wednesday night’s bible study after coming up with and making purchases for that night’s fun stage game. I had already planned out that evening’s meal with one of our volunteers and needed to get started on cleaning the youth room from the previous Sunday night. It dawned on me in that moment that a lot of what we did as youth workers was to create an environment FOR our youth in hopes that they enjoy our time together and invite friends to the carnival! The problem was there were no opportunities for youth to invest their time or efforts into the ministry.

In 1 Samuel 15, Saul is commanded by God to wipe out his enemies. But instead of doing so, Saul spares Agag the king and holds back some of the best livestock to make offerings to God later. Samuel reflects God’s anger by telling him that obedience is better than sacrifice and that because Saul has rejected God’s word, God is rejecting Saul as king. Intense!

This passage reminds us that God is serious about obedience. We must remember that what we do WITH God (obedience) is so much more important than anything we can ever do FOR him (sacrifice)!

In my youth ministry, we began giving students the opportunity to share in our planning and giving them projects to work on and invest in instead of simply showing up each week to be entertained.

Within your mentor/mentee relationship you can start thinking of what you can do WITH your mentee as opposed to what you just do FOR them! (Example: Mow an elderly person’s yard with your mentee instead of taking them to a movie.)

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Ending a Mentoring Relationship Well

What do you do whenever major life circumstances pop up that get in the way of your mentoring relationship?

Maybe your mentee goes off to college or moves to a new community?

Perhaps you get a new job and have to move across town or to another state?

What if you started mentoring when you were single, but now have a family with a bunch of little kids running around?

Whatever the case may be, the reality is there will probably come a day when your mentoring relationship ends. When this happens, finishing well and providing healthy closure is key in maintaining a positive outlook on the mentoring experience.

For me personally, I had a lot of mentors in my life, and anytime one would leave… I would take it personal. This had nothing to do with my mentor, but everything to do with my past.

We must remember that our mentees are kids. Some have wounds, significant wounds, that haven’t been healed yet. Grace has to abound with our mentees. You may do everything right, and they will still be hurt and mad at you. That’s ok. You are strong and mature enough to absorb that.

Some of our mentees have been abandoned in the past, either by a family member or by another mentor. Kids who have been left are constantly looking for ways to avoid being hurt. They have a hard time believing the best. They tend to assume the worst, with good reason.

Them getting into a relationship in the first place takes a ridiculous amount of courage. That’s the thing about relationships, they can be risky. Why? Because you have to give trust. Trust that they will do good by you and not hurt you.

That is why leaving can be so hard, but here are 5 things you can do to help leave in the healthiest way possible.

1. Celebrate: We suggest having some sort of event to celebrate your mentoring relationship. Invite everyone who was involved with the mentoring relationship, meaning your family, their family, and any mentoring organization who helped facilitate the relationship. Talk about memories that you created and milestone that the mentee hit. Discuss all the good things that happened in your relationship.
2. Network: If the mentee has a desire to continued to be mentored, perhaps go through your network and see if anyone you know can take your place. You may be in a season where you don’t have the margin to mentor, but what about your co-worker, neighbor, or family member. If the mentee and their family agree to the new mentor, you can help create a new match. Bonus points if the mentee already knows the new mentor and you can facilitate the exchange in person.
3. Promises: Be careful about making promises that you are not sure you can can keep. We all know that we have the best of intentions, but we do not want to disappoint our mentees with unfulfilled promises.
4. Communicate: Even though you may not be formally mentoring your mentee anymore, that doesn’t mean you cannot communicate with them. If you’d still like to stay connected to your mentee, find a time to talk and put in into your calendar. I know a mentor who called his former mentee every Sunday night at 8pm for years. Especially as your mentee grows and matures, It truly is fun to watch them go from child to adult and mentee to peer.
5. Affirm them: Anytime someone leaves a mentee who has been left before, it can create an opportunity for the enemy to creep in and lie to them. I would believe things like “I did something wrong”, “I’m unlovable”, and “This is always going to happen”.

If you get the sense that your mentee is feeling abandonment by your leaving, dispel those potential lies by stating the truth: Say “You did nothing wrong and I still care for you”, “You are lovable. This is more about me than you.” and “People will come and go, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.”

Ending a relationship, especially with a mentee who you have grown close to, will always be a tough deal. But you can facilitate closure in a healthy way by celebrating what the Lord did in your relationship and setting your mentee up for future mentoring relationships. All good things must come to an end, and mentoring is no different.

Kindness

Kindness has that middle-child syndrome. Yes, it’s a fruit of the Spirit. But I think we have a funny relationship with the word. We know that we are to be kind. We know a few people who we would describe as kind.

But if we’re being honest, do we really STRIVE for kindness? I think we relegate it to “random acts of kindness” or consider it to be a name of a granola bar, or (if you’re from Waco) you know we have “Be Kind” coffee shops here!

But, how important is kindness, and it is a quality that makes us quiet, meek, and timid?

NO!

Remember, after David recounted all his many savage military triumphs in 2 Samuel 8, we see him sitting on his throne asking himself and everyone around him is there anyone left in the house of Jonathan that he can show KINDNESS to!!!!

Kindness was David’s goal! So, how can it be ours?

1. Think Kindness. Is Jesus holding your thoughts captive? Are you meditating on God’s word? Do you strive to have self-control in your thought life? Sometimes, I get bugged by people who aren’t like me. When I think a hurtful thought about someone I don’t see eye to eye with, I stop and center on one redeeming quality about the person no matter how long it takes.
2. Speak Kindness. Make yourself say kind words to and about people. Bite your tongue when you need to. The Bible says we are to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. When you feel yourself speaking overly critical about someone, stop!
3. Do Kindness. Act on the Spirit’s prompting, especially when its inconvenient! Practice kindness and see the benefits. I promise you’ll want more of it in your life.

Make the KINDNESS challenge something you and your mentee can do together. Challenge each other and encourage each other! It will be a fun and bonding experience.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Am I Qualified?

When people consider starting a mentoring relationship with a child, one question that seems to always pop up is “Am I qualified?”

After all, investing into the life of a child is a big deal.

But I think we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking Am I qualified?”, start asking “Am I a couple steps ahead of my mentee?”

If you are, then you have something to offer.

Mentoring is not about having all the answers. It’s about allowing someone to accompany you on the journey of life. It’s about entering into someone else’s world and allowing them to enter into yours. This takes a large amount of courage and humility.

Show them every part of your life. The good and the bad. Let them observe how a Christian handles everything that this world throws at you.

John Maxwell said “If you want to impress people, tell them about your successes. If you want to impact people, tell them about your failures.”

All of us are a work in progress. The goal is not perfection or having all it all figured out. The goal is to become more like Jesus.

I hope you are learning new things in all areas of your life. Professionally. Physically. Relationally. And most importantly, spiritually.

1 Corinthians 11:1 says “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

As a a mentor, following the example of Christ looks like this:

• Christ loved unconditionally.
• He forgave his enemies.
• He accepted people, just like they were.
• He spend time with God the Father
• He pursued the things of God instead of the things of this world.

So are you a couple steps ahead of your mentee in life?

Are you doing your best to follow Christ?

Are you willing to allow your mentee into your life and give them an example to follow?

If the answer to all of those questions is “yes”, then I believe you are qualified to mentor.

And I am confident that the Lord can use you to poisitvely impact the life of a child. Because the Lord loves to use the most unassuming characters to do his work.

Moses was given up at birth and a murdered a man.

David was a shepherd boy.

Mary had a demon and Paul persecuted Christians.

All were used mightly by God.

If God can use them, then he can surely use you.

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Thessalonians 5:24 “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” And if you are watching this video, I’d say there is a pretty good chance that you believe God has called you to make disciples through mentoring.

It was God who called you. And he is faithful. He will surely do it. How kind of him to let us have a front row seat as we watch him impact the life of your mentee.

You Can Mentor.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Faithfulness over Fruitfulness

Early on in my mentoring journey, I thought mentoring was like a math equation.

A + B = C

If I showed up + Gave them some wisdom = Growth in my mentee

If I’m being honest, in my naivite, I thought my presence would solve all of my mentees issues.

I thought, because of me, my mentee would improve academically.

They would grow spiritually.

It was only a matter of time before they became their best self.

But what happened when my mentee didn’t grow as fast as I thought they should? How would bad grades or negative behaviors affect our relationship? How would I respond when my mentee didn’t seem to care about what I had to say?

My friends Kyle and Mary mentored twelve kids when they were first married. They started with this group of young men when they were in junior high and continued to meet with them every Sunday until they graduated high school.

For years, they invested a ton into these young men, and the young men were extremely grateful for their hospitality, wisdom, and guidance. Except for one young man.

11 of the boys said thank you every week. 1 did not.

11 of the boys said the group changed their life. 1 did not.

11 of the boys grew academically and spiritually. 1 did not.

When the group game to an end, Kyle and Mary looked at each other and said “We sure did make a difference in 11 of the boys lives. Too bad we couldn’t reach that 1 boy.”

Fast forward about 20 years and Kyle is filling up with gas one afternoon. He sees a random man in his late thirties walking up to him. The man leans up against Kyle’s car and says:

“Excuse me. Is your name Kyle?”

Kyle says “Yes. Can I help you?”

The young man says “You probably don’t remember me, but I just wanted to say thank you. I sat in your house every Sunday night for years and didn’t say a word. I’m now a husband and a father and everything I know about leading my family I learned by being in your small group. I couldn’t say it then, but here my say it now. Thank you.”

And he walked off.

It was that 1 young man.

For decades, my friends thought that they had missed it with that young man. Because they focused on the fruit and what they could see in that young man, they thought they had failed. But the Lord had other plans.

Here’s the lesson:

So often in mentoring, we want to focus on the fruit of our efforts with our mentee. When the fruit doesn’t come, we can get discouraged. And when we get discouraged, often times we don’t show up as often and we even consider quitting.

We all want to see fruit.

We want to see our mentees mature.

Get good grades.

Come to faith.

Make good decisions.

But we can’t control that. All that we can control is being faithful. God’s in chatge of the rest.

You be faithful to show up, to encourage, and to listen. Be faithful to give them an example of Jesus everytime they see you. Be faithful to pray. To champion. To love unconditionally.

You toss the seeds. God causes the growth in his perfect timing. This takes a remarkable amount of faith, but we have to trust that God has a plan for your mentee and that he loves them more than we do.

In 1 Corinthians 3:6, Paul says “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.

You may toss the seed, water the seed, and watch it grow. But often times, you play a part in the story of your mentee. You may toss the seed, but someone else may water it. And that’s ok.

Your mentee may rapidly improve and you may see fruit. Or, just like that one kid, you may not see any fruit and it may feel like a waste of time. But you never know what the Lord is doing underneath the hood. Often times, more is happening than we think.

In mentoring, focus on what you can control. Focus on being faithful, instead of being fruitful.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com