In this third of a six part mini-sode series “How to Love Better”, Doug and Dr Talia offer their favorite and most used couples’ therapy nuggets of wisdom. This week we talk about where each of us lies on the continuum of authenticity vs harmony in our love relationships. We tend to give our partner what we most desire. Those valuing “authenticity” (sometimes at the cost of harmony) feel most connected to their partner through honesty, sharing their thoughts, feelings, observations, and are more free to share constructive feedback and state their needs with their partners, hoping for a reciprocation in effort. On the other hand, those valuing “harmony” (also often at the cost of authenticity) value a general feeling of calm, ease, positivity, joy, and hope for a reciprocal “going with the flow for the greater good” in their interactions with their partner. Both ways of being in the world are often in reaction to family of origin patterns that we are either seeking to recreate, healthy or not, because the interactions feel like home to us, or to regulate our fried nervous systems, or hopefully to create a connection that feels healthier and stronger than the one we grew up in. Which is superior? A balance is what we seek, but what we do know is that you can have authenticity without harmony (not an enjoyable relationship perhaps), but you cannot have true harmony without authenticity. Enjoy!

We're Not Fine

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Doug Jensen

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Dr. Talia Jackson

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