Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie. The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.

Time Stamps

• 6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented. This helps you understand the way your brain works
• 8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.
• 10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?
• 12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive
• 13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message
• 14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation
• 15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy
• 16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think
• 17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief
• 21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)
• 23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings
• 26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys
• 27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate
• 30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child
• 31:51 Description of the three states of mind
• 35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changes

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd
• Child Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children
• PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them Thrive

Leslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50 How to give feedback to your partner
  • I have an idea that might work for you
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage - I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30 The Three Step Apology
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby. They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog. This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.

Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

• Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
• Do nothing
• Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
• Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior “I am here and I want to hear you”
• “Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
• Shape the behavior
  • hitting—->yelling
  • yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50 Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal. Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions.
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources::

• Wendy Mogel’s Book: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation.

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources. Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.

About the guest:

Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Resources:

• Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Youtube Video Building Mastery Skill

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on. Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way?

Time Stamps

• 4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
• 4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
• 5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
• 12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
• 12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
• 15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
• 20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
• 21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
• 22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
• 23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
• 29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
• 30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
• 31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
  • What does it communicate
  • Let it go
  • Validate, validate, validate
  • Problem solve (finding other options)
  • Conflict resolution steps
  • Observe and describe what’s happening
  • Do Nothing is an option
• 32:18 Principles of reinforcement
• 35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:

• Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”
• Leslie’s newsletter: The Art of Healthy Neglect

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Time Stamps

• 4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…” to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling
• 6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children
• 8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.
• 13:15 Whose problem is it?
• 14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions.
• 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)
• 21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking
• 23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset
• 25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard
• 27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand
• 34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened (each child tells their POV)
• 35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy
• 36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe instead

Resources:

• Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulness
• Video: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communication
• Blog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child
• Handout on Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by Scholastic
• Mindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindset

Leslie-ism: Expect your children to misbehave

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia. Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation. Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style. And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain - “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.


Time Stamps

• 4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs.
• 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
• 13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of.
• 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 21:20. The parent trap of promises
• 22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”
• 25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
• 28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
• 25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options.
• 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:

• DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request
• Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.