"Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice."

- Dr. John Gottman

Let's take an honest look at how communication breaks down in busy marriages and what you can do to stop it. Most couples don't ignore each other out of malice, but out of exhaustion, distraction, and rushed daily life. In this episode, we unpack why communication is essential for growth and connection, and how unspoken assumptions quickly lead to misunderstandings. Drawing on Dr. John Gottman's research, we break down the Four Horsemen of Communication - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and explain how they quietly damage relationships. More importantly, we share practical antidotes to each one, along with simple habits and conversations you can start using right away to communicate more clearly, stay emotionally connected, and protect your marriage from drifting apart.

• Communication shapes your marriage every day. It's not the big conversations alone that matter, but the daily responses, tone, and small interactions. You cannot grow closer without communicating, and mind-reading is not a real skill, no matter how much we wish it were.

• Unspoken assumptions damage connection. When couples don't communicate, they fill in the gaps with guesses, and those guesses are often wrong. What feels obvious to you may not be obvious to your spouse.

• If left unchecked, the Four Horsemen quietly erode relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are strong predictors of marital breakdown, but couples can recognize them early and recover when they're willing to change patterns.

• Most conflict starts inside us, not with our spouse. Many reactions come from fear, stress, or unresolved issues rather than our spouse's actions. Growth begins when we take ownership and speak from vulnerability instead of blame.

• Engaging imperfectly is better than withdrawing. Respect, appreciation, and choosing to stay engaged, even awkwardly, protect connection. Healthy communication requires effort, humility, and the daily choice to turn toward each other.

• Which of the Four Horsemen are threatening our relationship right now?

• How would you rate our communication on a scale of 1-10? What can we do to improve this?

Resources

• Guide to Communication: https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/communication/

• Explanation of the Four Horsemen: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

"Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Genesis 2:24

Summary

In this episode, we talk about something every person longs for: belonging. At its heart, marriage is meant to be a place where you are chosen, known, and not easily walked away from. It's a home base, the one relationship you freely choose, where staying matters more than being perfect. Belonging in marriage isn't about constant agreement or effortless connection. It's about knowing someone is still there when things are hard, awkward, or unfinished. Over time, that kind of commitment creates safety, trust, and real intimacy. We also explore why working through the mess together often leads to deeper joy than walking away. Join us as we begin a series on building lasting belonging in marriage, starting with the foundation of healthy communication.

• Everyone needs a place where they Belong and that is found in marriage for Catholic couples

• Build that home base in your marriage by affirming your commitment to each other, not just that you are doing everything perfectly.

• Being known in marriage happens through vulnerability. When you belong you are able to be more vulnerable.

• When you work as a team with common goals that also builds connection and belonging

• How can we continue to build a safe place, a comfort in belonging to each other in our marriage?

• What are our shared goals and dreams?

Resources

• Study showing couples who stay together are happier

• • https://ifstudies.org/blog/for-most-couples-who-stay-the-course-marriage-gets-better-with-time-an-interview-with-paul-r-amato

• Importance of Shared Meaning

• • https://www.gottman.com/blog/enriching-marriage-creating-shared-meaning/

"Love of neighbor is a path that leads to the encounter with God… closing our eyes to our neighbour also blinds us to God."
- Pope Benedict XVI, God is Love

We begin with Love because marriage flows from our deepest identity and relationships, not just spousal dynamics. Created in the image of a loving, Triune God, we must first ask who God is and who we are in His eyes. Our relationship with God and with ourselves forms the foundation for loving others. Pope Benedict XVI's God Is Love reveals that eros and agape are inseparable dimensions of love: we are made to give and receive love. God's passionate, faithful love for His people—fulfilled fully in Jesus—becomes the model for marriage. In Christ, love of God and love of neighbor are one reality. Our first neighbor is our spouse, and loving them faithfully is the primary path to holiness and authentic love.

• Love begins with God, not marriage
  Before focusing on spousal relationships, we must understand who God is and who we are in His eyes. Our identity as loved by God is the foundation for all love.
  
  

• You cannot love others without loving God and yourself rightly
  Knowing and receiving God's love allows us to love ourselves truthfully, which is necessary to love anyone else authentically.
  
  

• Eros and agape belong together
  Human desire (eros) is not bad; it is purified and fulfilled by God's unconditional love (agape). Love requires both giving and receiving.
  
  

• God's passionate love is revealed fully in Jesus
  Christ embodies God's self-giving love and draws us into communion—with God and with others—especially through the Eucharist.
  
  

• Marriage is the primary place love is lived
  Spouses are each other's first neighbors. Loving one's spouse faithfully is the clearest expression of love of God and the path to holiness.

Pdf of encyclical: https://www.vatican.va/content/benedict-xvi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20051225_deus-caritas-est.html

Join the Cana90 Fellowship: https://messyfamilyproject.org/programs/cana90/fellowship-form/

"Let us begin again, for until now we have done nothing," - Saint Francis of Assisi

As a new year begins, many of us focus on where we fell short instead of how we've grown. In this episode, Mike and Alicia invite parents and couples to reflect on the past year by celebrating the gains—not just the gaps—and to recognize the common traps that keep us stuck, like doing too much, being too busy, comparing ourselves to others, or letting our loves get out of order. From there, they share five foundational ways to begin again and make this year better—not perfect, but better: growing in your relationship with God, becoming more fully who God made you to be, investing intentionally in your marriage, being present and purposeful with your children, and choosing real community. You don't have to plan everything—just put the big rocks in place and start again together.

• Start Right Now: Commit to Growing in Your Relationship with God Commit to Becoming More Fully Yourself Invest in Your Marriage—Starting With Yourself Be Intentional With Your Children Choose Community

• How can we "begin again" together

• Which of these take aways are most impactful for us?

This episode revisits one of the most helpful and down-to-earth conversations on the Messy Family Podcast: Family Board Meeting 2.0. It starts with a simple but challenging idea. We put a lot of thought into our jobs, but when it comes to family life, many of us are just trying to keep up. Between work, kids' schedules, and everyday stress, it's easy to drift into survival mode. A Family Board Meeting is a chance to pause, breathe, and get back on the same page. It's not about being perfect or fixing everything. It's about choosing to lead your family with intention. The episode walks through why these meetings matter, how to keep them practical, and how to avoid turning them into a blame-filled marathon. You'll hear encouragement to dream a little, pick a few priorities, write them down, and actually enjoy the process. Think unity, clarity, and maybe even dinner and a glass of wine along the way.

Intentional families don't happen by accident. A Family Board Meeting is about choosing the important over the merely urgent.

The goal is unity, not perfection. Unity is essential for your children and for your own personal growth.

Dream big, plan simple, act now. You can't do everything. That's okay. Choose the top two or three areas that really matter right now.

Failure is part of the process—and that's normal. Fail fast, refine, and keep moving forward.

Make it human—and even fun. You're building a life together, not just a to-do list.

When can we have these intentional conversations? Should we do a FBM course?

Get the course here: https://messyfamilyproject.org/course/family-board-meeting/

Get your free guide here: https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/family-board-meeting-guide/

What's it really like growing up in a big family?

In this special Hernon kids takeover podcast, Mike and Alicia's children gather around the mic to tell the honest, funny, and heartfelt story of their upbringing. From loud dinner tables and sibling fights to deep bonds, meaningful traditions, and moments of feeling unseen, the Hernon siblings share what shaped them—for better and for worse.

They talk openly about the challenges of a large family, how sibling relationships filled the gaps when parents were stretched thin, and why intentional traditions mattered more than perfection. Along the way, they relive unforgettable childhood stories (including melted crayons, camping disasters, and a legendary vomiting incident), reflect on personality differences, and offer wisdom for parents raising kids today.

This episode is a gift to parents wondering if they're "doing enough"—and a reminder that love multiplies, even when life is messy.

Most of the siblings admitted they didn't always love growing up in a large family—especially as teenagers. But looking back, they see how it built character, resilience, and lifelong relationships.

Several siblings shared moments when they felt overlooked or unseen. Yet the overwhelming takeaway was this: they knew they were loved, even when time and energy were limited.

In a big family, siblings often become secondary parents, confidants, and companions. Those relationships became one of the greatest gifts of their upbringing.

From Christmas breakfasts and dinner games to family retreats and service visits, traditions created a shared story and sense of belonging that lasted into adulthood.

Fighting, disagreements, and personality clashes were part of the family culture. Learning forgiveness, conflict resolution, and reconciliation turned those struggles into growth.

What stood out most wasn't flawless parenting—but parents who cared, listened, showed interest, and tried to be present whenever possible.

• How do sibling relationships function in your family right now? How might you help strengthen them?

• How do you currently handle conflict in your home—and what might forgiveness look like more intentionally?

• What kind of family culture do you hope your children will talk about someday?

Your decisions may not always be perfect, but you can choose to make them together.

In this week's podcast, we dive into one of the most important truths for married couples: you will never make a perfect decision—but you can choose unity. Today's culture urges us to optimize everything with hacks, experts, and AI, yet the real power in family life comes from spouses acting together. We share our own stories of big decisions—moves, career changes, even grad school—and how waiting for unity brought peace and strength to our home.

Join us as we unpack how to stay united: understanding each other's processing style, praying together, deferring in love, and avoiding the trap of needing to win. Your decisions may never be perfect—but they can always be made together. Tune in and strengthen the unity that makes your family thrive!

"Hospitality and real community starts by inviting people into your messy home…"

In this episode, Mike and Alicia sit down with best-selling Catholic author Emily Stimpson Chapman to talk about Advent, Storybook for young Catholics, and the beauty of simple hospitality. Emily shares the real, lived rhythms of Advent in her home—reminding parents that peace and prayerfulness grow best when traditions are tied to everyday routines and kept flexible, not burdensome.

Emily also introduces her newest work, The Story of All Stories, a beautifully crafted children's story Bible from Word on Fire that presents salvation history as one unified narrative. Although written for ages 7–13, it has already captivated teens, parents, and grandparents alike.

Finally, the conversation turns to hospitality—how ordinary families can open their homes joyfully, even amid noise, chaos, and little ones. Emily offers practical tips, simple meal ideas, and a vision for welcoming others that prioritizes connection over perfection.

• Advent traditions work best when tied to existing family routines—like dinner—rather than starting from scratch.

• Flexibility in traditions preserves peace and allows your family to embrace the joy of the season without stress.

• Hospitality doesn't require perfection—simple meals and genuine presence build true community.

• Opening your home combats loneliness and helps families live their mission together.

1. What Advent traditions have been life-giving for our family—and which ones cause unnecessary stress?

2. How could we anchor Advent prayer or traditions more naturally into our existing daily routine?

3. In what ways do we tell the story of salvation to our children? Is there room to deepen our approach?

4. When we think about hospitality, what holds us back most—perfectionism, time, or fear?

5. Who is one person or family we could invite over in the next two weeks for a simple, joy-filled meal?