#109. What if your loved one doesn't have a 'good' death? How do you cope with the trauma of witnessing someone suffer at the end of their life?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #55 of 101: Loss through a bad/complex death

In this episode we chat to Kay Backhouse, in Morecombe, Lancashire, about the death of her youngest brother, Syd, to neuroendocrine cancer in 2019.

Kay was living in Australia with her family when her brother was first diagnosed, and one day she received some unexpected communication from him that started a chain of events that led her back home.

Sadly, a couple of years later, in a hospice, with his family, Syd suffered a 'bad death' or 'complex death' which added an extra, very painful, level of grief and trauma to Kay's loss.

This is a subject you don't often hear discussed, so we're very grateful to Kay for chatting to us about her experience.

Kay believes that if she’d been better prepared, or educated, about deaths like this, then maybe the way her brother died wouldn't have been so traumatising.

She's now passionate to help others learn more about death, and we believe it's an important topic we should all be willing to learn about - not only in case we go through it, but also to help others.

And Syd's death has had a profound impact on Kay's personal and professional life; the way she views death, sees hope, spends her time, and views the future. This is a conversation that is anything but sad and depressing, it is a story of hope.

For more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: https://www.kaybackhouse.com

Listen to our other episode with Kay & Maddy: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c8f6445/lets-chat-life-in-a-hospice-with-maddy-bass-and-kay-backhouse

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, if you don't have an Apple device: https://podmatch.com/blog/how-to-leave-an-apple-review-for-a-podcast-from-your-iphone-ipad-or-from-your-computer

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#108. I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them.

So that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me and my phone, in a graveyard. And sometimes I go international (like this one) and sometimes Chris joins me (like this one).

Anyway, welcome to another Graveyard Musing from me, Claire Sandys (host of The Silent Why podcast).

In this musing, Chris (husband) and I are wandering around Moorslede Communal Cemetery in Belgium.

Come with us to explore how different graves are in Belgium, and hear our thoughts as we look around a very crowded cemetery in Moorslede, but also a beautiful one we find on the other side of the road.

For the photos that accompany this episode, so you can visualise what we're talking about, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/graveyardmusingsbelgiumagain

If you want to hear more episodes like this, check out:

Graveyard Musings, Tyne Cot & Ypres, Belgium: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7f63d7e9/graveyard-musings-tyne-cot-and-ypres-belgium

Graveyard Musings: Llanfair Talhaiarn, Wales:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7e418cc4/graveyard-musings-llanfair-talhaiarn-wales

Graveyard Musings: Gloucestershire, England (Part 1 of 3):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76b3f1f7/graveyard-musings-gloucestershire-england-part-1

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#107. Let's Chat... about what day-to-day life is like working in, or visiting, a hospice.

Let’s Chat episodes chat to guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss. In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to Maddy Bass (Director of Nursing) and Kay Backhouse (Clinical Administrator) who both work at St John's Hospice in Lancashire.

Maddy has wanted to work with people who are dying all her life and is passionate about her work and providing the best possible care, and Kay has experienced the death of her brother in a hospice and since then has started volunteering at St John’s. So they’re the perfect pair to give us an insight into what life is like working in a hospice, but also what it’s like as the family members of someone who is having end of life care.

In this episode we chat about how it works when you need a hospice, who pays for it, what the atmosphere is like, why they’re so important, what’s their role compared to hospitals, what would they want people to know about hospices, and how working around grief and death affects their own dealings with it personally.

For more about St John's Hospice in North Lancashire & South Lakes, and some of their own podcast, visit: www.sjhospice.org.uk

For more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: www.kay.backhouse.com or www.instagram.com/kay_backhouse

And for the episodes I mentioned about our time doing work experience in a Funeral Directors:

'Wales, work experience, bitey flies, chips and Dave': https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/78783914/wales-work-experience-bitey-flies-chips-and-dave

Blog: Seeing my first dead body: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7af9430b/blog-my-why-seeing-my-first-dead-body

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#106. Ever felt the grip of serious addiction? Drink and drug addictions can destroy life, but what about the person in recovery who's celebrating being 'clean' while also having to accept the loss of the many things ruined by years of misuse?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #54 of 101: Loss through addiction

We're so excited to share this episode, not only is it an episode that's been requested by those who have been through it, but it looks into a topic that is hugely connected to grief, yet so often overlooked - addiction.

Addiction can cause the loss of health, relationships, family, control, identity, freedom, money, homes, even life itself, and so much more. So when you reach recovery, and are then faced with all you've lost, how do you grieve that?

In this episode we chat to Lisa Newman from the beautiful town of Stroud in England. We've known Lisa for a few years and she agreed to come and talk to us about the loss and grief she’s experienced through addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Addiction entered her life when she was around 10 years old, and in the following decades it took her to some dark places which later saw her homeless, in prison and in-and-out of hospital.

Lisa shares her journey with us including; the grief of now being single and childless, the pain of watching friends have grandchildren, the precautions she has to take to use pain medication, the loss of friends to addiction, the pain and confusion for those around her, what recovery has been like, and the challenges of rebuilding a life while also mourning the loss of the life you thought you’d have.

This is a very honest and important conversation about the power of addiction, the power of being free/clean, but also the live-changing power of hope and gratitude.

Lisa now spends her time helping other people come off drink and drugs, for more about her, visit:
www.recalibrate-recovery.com
www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-newman-recalibraterecoverycoach/
www.instagram.com/lisadoesyoga

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BONUS EPISODE TIME!

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

In last week's episode (Loss 53) we spoke to a friend of ours, Laura Burns, about alopecia and coming to terms with the loss of her hair, but she wasn't the only one sat in the podcast studio for that in-person interview.

Quietly perched in the corner was husband, Jonathon (a friend of ours, which is how we met Laura in the first place).

In the episode last week Laura shared about losing her hair at the age of 22 years old through alopecia (in 2011) and the challenges this can raise when dating and choosing what information to tell people and when.

[And you might want to hear that episode before listening to this one, link below].

So, we decided we wanted to chat to Jonathon as well, what's it been like from his side of things, and how has he navigated this with his own health challenges.

Both Laura and Jonathon have had more than their fair share of health conditions. Jonathon was born with renal failure and later had a kidney transplant, and Laura has had brain surgery more than once, so they're not strangers deep, difficult conversations.

In this chat, Jonathon shares his side of the 'wig flying off story', how he's managed his own health challenges, how they communicated about their health when dating, how they've found their way in marriage together, and what part faith has played in that.

How this couple are, and see life, despite all their health challenges, is truly inspiring.

Loss 53/101 Episode (Loss of hair through alopecia): https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7a41eed1/loss-53101-loss-of-hair-through-alopecia-laura-burns

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#105. What's it like to suddenly start losing your hair at the age of 22? How open should you be about it when start dating?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #53 of 101: Loss of hair through alopecia

Meet Laura Burns, a social worker for an anti modern-slavery charity, but also a friend of ours who lives in The Black Country. Laura married our friend Jonathon in 2022, and we had the privilege of being at their wedding.

This is only our second in-person interview, after nearly 200 podcast episodes! So it was very exciting to chat face-to-face with Laura in our podcast studio.

Alopecia first appeared in Laura’s life in 2011 when she was 22 years old. Alopecia areata is a disease that happens when the immune system attacks hair follicles and causes hair loss, and Laura explains the different types and which ones have affected her over the years.

Both Laura and Jonathon have had more than their fair share of health conditions. Jonathon was born with renal failure and later had a kidney transplant, and Laura has had brain surgery more than once. But it was only recently Laura told us she has alopecia, so we asked if she'd come and tell us about her experience, and she agreed. This was the first time we were hearing her story, so it was a real honour to record it for the podcast to share with you.

Laura talks about what kind of loss alopecia is, the journey to finding the right wig (pop over to our social media to see how gorgeous that is!), how she found the right man 😉, and how it's not always been easy to know what to share with others and when.

She also shares some of the more humorous moments, e.g. when her now-husband Jonathon first saw her without her wig - well worth tuning in for.

This is a very honest conversation about a very visual and complicated loss, especially because identity can be so closely connected to our hair. Laura shows us how hope can find a way in and how important gratitude has been to her.

For more information and support with alopecia: https://www.alopecia.org.uk/

PLUS: Tune in next week for a bonus material episode, because after this interview we recorded a chat with her lovely husband, Jonathon Burns.

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#104. What's it like to handle a human heart? Or to operate in that small space between life and death? And is there grief for a surgeon when a patient dies during, or after, surgery?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #52 of 101: Loss of a life for a heart surgeon

Meet Mark Field, a cardiac surgeon from Liverpool (in the north of England) who joined me (Claire), in-between commitments at work, to talk about life, death and loss in heart surgery.

Now, this isn't a subject that's discussed much with surgeons, and you'll hear Mark say that even he had reservations talking about it, but it's such an important area to highlight. Just because you work in a career that encounters death, doesn't that mean you find it any easier to face than people in other jobs. And, like many other careers we've covered on the podcast, it's once again surprising how little training is provided to medical professionals when it comes to delivering the news of a patient’s death. Especially when people's responses to bad news are so varied.

I was introduced to Mark through the Aortic Dissection Charitable Trust, and knew this was a man I wanted to speak to when he sent me the best excuse for being late to a Zoom call ever. I received an email just after the start time had passed that simply said: “Sorry Claire. 5 minutes! Trying to prevent death!!”

In this conversation you'll hear about how hard it is when major operations don't end with a healthy recovery, how surgeons control (or don’t control) human emotions, the privilege of working with such a valuable organ, and why hope plays such an important role in Mark's job.

And because trying to co-ordinate the diaries of a journalist and a heart surgeon got really tricky, Chris wasn't able to join me in this episode, so I was flying solo for the first time in 53 losses.

If you want to hear how other careers handle dealing with death, visit www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat and scroll down to 'Jobs working with loss, grief and death' for a full list.

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#103. When a close family member dies, like a parent, it's easy to assume there was love there, but what if you're not sure if you loved that person, or even if they loved you, what does grief look like then?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #51 of 101: Loss of a dad ('that I don't know if I loved')

And yes, this means that as we've reached Loss 51 - we're officially over halfway through our 101 loss list! Exciting! Check out all previous episodes online at www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses or see our last episode where we reflected on the previous ten stories of loss and grief. But there are also many more to go, so back to today's guest...

In this episode you'll meet Thea Rickard, from Bristol in England. Thea's in her twenties and lost her dad, Jonathan Rickard, when he was in his sixties in 2018. About a year ago she produced a short audio documentary called Our Dad (link below) which Chris listened to and then shared with me, because something she said caught his attention: 'Grieving for somebody, or the idea of somebody, who you’re not sure if you loved, is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered.' Keen to explore what it's like to grieve someone you don't know if you loved, especially a parent, we invited her to talk about it with us on the podcast.

As Thea has reflected on her dad’s life, his relationship with alcohol, his dream to be an actor, the terrifying and the tender moments she's seen in him, she's had to explore what it's like to grieve for a man she wasn't sure if she loved, or even if he loved her. Like she said in her documentary: ‘It would be easier if he was “the villain” of the piece, but he’s not the antagonist in a story, he’s a human being.’

There is so much wisdom and empathy in this chat, well beyond Thea's years, so we know you’re going to appreciate this very honest conversation.

To listen to Thea's 15 minute audio project, 'Our Dad', where she talks about her father with her siblings, visit: https://soundcloud.com/thearickard/ourdad

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