This week we talk about Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark. This is our first Boll film on the pod, and now that we know what to expect, it probably won't be our last.

Here we go:

Creature critters created by crooked archeologist crawl and crush craniums! SyFy CGI! Shattering sheet glass at the showroom by 713! Sledgehammered senior! White Walker from Wuhan knows Wushu! Anubis Glyph Reader 3.5? CROSSFIREEEEEE!!! That fucking nun! Sleeping security trope! Seven second strangulation! Tara Reid! The Xenomorph connection, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we talk about Rudy Ray Moore's Dolemite, a film described as "The Citizen Kane of kung-fu pimpin' movies." Pretty sure we all loved it, but you'll have to listen along to find out.

Prison preventing protagonist from pimpin' puss, so parole the playa! "That's mighty black of you, reverend!" The detective downing dominoes on a dude just to be a dick! Destitute dude main-veins meth in a drug den! Dish powder muff diving! Brothel bits! Tumultuous tummy tickles! Bob clinches the Tit-Scope M title! Two Torgos knocking knees! Cocaine fish, and heroin stuffed halibuts! Squeezin' bitches out of existence! Pasty politician ass! Protagonist pimp punching his paramour mid-pounding, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we talk about 1985's Malibu Express. Or as we like to call it, "Tits: The Movie."

Melons and milk monsters and mammaries, oh my! Shane shamelessly shoots shower shenanigans after committing coitus with coerced consent! Blblblbl in the porn water! Penile puns! Finagling the fudge rudders! Eating furniture? Buffington buffoonery! Pulsating Playmates! Shielding from the sun with a shoe visor! Rump radar! Far too many characters to keep track of! Cody’s almost anal adventures! Car dealership desert daughter does the deed for a drive! Distinct lack of Buffington butt water, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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Season 18 kicks off with a bang... wait that's not well written. And neither is 1987's The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. A Topps Chewing Gum Production. Great to be back in the bad movie trenches, but we weren't prepared for this one.

Crude creatures from collectible cards cause confusion! Keeping ugly kids in a garbage pail! Attempted murder/pipe logic combo from hell! Overworking the otherworldly for snizz-snazz! Tangerine teasing a tiny teen! Chasing children for chump-change! Dodger sneaking sweat-shop sniffs! Fire-escape peeping tomfoolery! Making merriment with the less mature! Misguided marketing mishaps! Rivers of shit! Chris and Rob both piss their pants! Boy gets booby baffled! Pedo-film-ia? Aerosol Cosby Drops! Dodger jumped the Juice and jammed his jowls, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man... Chris doesn't want to admit it, but he loves Grosse Pointe Blank. One of the best rom-coms ever crafted, starring John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Dan Aykroyd (Chris' personal favorite), and ... others. It's a thrill ride. Enemies become friends, and friends become enemies. POPCORN!!! let's do this.

Hunky hitman hooks up with honey from high school for hi-jinks and hilarity! Jumpy John’s judo-ing a gentleman in the gym! Aykroyd abusers! Randy Quaid & the Star-Whackers?Minnie Driver! Jeremy gets Jameson and Cusack gets a club soda! A convincing level of guarded enthusiasm! Actio-dramedy? Extreme pipe logic, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we get into a little slice of hell called The Glove (1979); a movie so terrible the critics didn't even bother. BUT!... Bob and Rob kind of secretly liked it (don't tell Chris).

Prisoner pummels police with pernicious peripheral! Wanton destruction of police lieutenant’s property! Dropping daughter at daycare, driving off before she dips through the door! Not a noteworthy narrative! Foreshadowing from Prospector Pete! Dog the booty hunter? Sniffin’ and lickin’! John Saxon jive-talk! Inflation analysis! Mustachio piccolo playing pool person! You can’t beat a meat fight! Drops of Noir? Camping with the switchboard bitch, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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Chris, Bob, and Rob finally hop on the bar and talk about Coyote Ugly... a film so bad that the podcast episode is almost as long as the damn movie itself. A brief write-up can't sum up everything that's wrong with this turd, so let's just get into this abomination the only way we know how!

Displeasing dancers drop drinks on drunk dudes! Bar owner babe with bad business blueprint! Practically petrifying poppa by popping a u-ey on the parkway! Navy nerds nabbing and dry-humping tap-house hooker! Back-alley ball bobbling! Obvious Aussie ogling! Miming musicians mindlessly meandering! Bob blinded by the Piper! Chris opens the dildo door! Cramming in the Casio! Hard to kill hospital hog-style heat! Cosby Drops, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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We (Rob) used to think that Nicolas Cage could do no wrong, but wow... get a load of this stinker! Left Behind. The rapture movie where everybody goes to heaven naked apparently.

Cage creates Christian catastrophe! Little person POS PSA! Bitch breaking windows with bibles! The return of Wet Willy Whispers! The supersonic Skipper suffocating scared citizens! Muslim/Midget martial arts! Potato roll blow-softeners! Hammers of cheese! Damsels with dementia left dangling by their deity? Baseball clubs! Sippin' on that Green Mountain money! Believer wieners! U2 bang bribes, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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Stay tuned next week for Coyote Ugly.