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In this chapter, Brian reflects on his struggles with codependency, which hindered his ability to form genuine connections with others. As a child, he learned to prioritize others' needs over his own, leading to a fragmented sense of self and difficulty understanding his emotions. As he navigated adolescence, he experienced sexual shame and a sense of unworthiness, further isolating him socially. He ended up passively accepting relationships with individuals who were also struggling emotionally, which often turned abusive.

A unique friendship with E, who shared similar struggles, provided safety but also enabled codependent behaviors. Reflecting on the friendship, the Brian acknowledges the complexity of their dynamic and the limitations of his codependent responses. Despite the challenges, the relationship taught him the value of intimate connections, planting a seed that would influence his understanding of healthy relationships in the future.

He then explores the many damaging relationships he has had with narcissistic individuals, highlighting the connection between codependency and narcissism, both stemming from trauma responses. While codependents seek safety by pleasing others, narcissists demand validation and entitlement. Narcissistic behaviors include grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of accountability. Brian's codependent tendencies made him susceptible to narcissists, excusing their abusive behavior. Different types of controlling behaviors are examined, with codependents managing emotions and narcissists asserting dominance aggressively.

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In this chapter, Brian discusses the connection between trauma and his codependent habits. His experiences, including childhood dynamics and an early, abusive friendship are explored as sources of trauma, shaping his behaviors and triggering ingrained responses to threats - specifically freeze and fawn.

Brian’s journey of navigating trauma extended beyond physical safety to encompass emotional survival strategies. Amidst consistent fear and shame at home and with his childhood friend, emotional avoidance developed as a coping mechanism. Through dissociation and compartmentalization, painful emotions were suppressed and buried, leading to a solitary and chaotic inner life. While these strategies initially offered relief, they ultimately perpetuated Brian's emotional turmoil, as the unresolved emotional pain continued to escalate, fostering a cycle of isolation and dysfunctional relationships.

In this episode:

00:01:07 What is Trauma? 00:03:13 New Layers of Trauma 00:05:58 Threat Responses 00:09:39 Emotional Trauma 00:14:27 Emotional Avoidance

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This season Brian will be reading aloud from the book we just published (link and description below). Chapter One frames codependency as learned, strategic, adaptive response to feelings of powerlessness, to emotional pain. It also covers the dynamics within Brian's family that gave rise to the codependent behaviors that would eventually cripple him emotionally and relationally for most of his life.

Buy now in paperback or eBook form: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1/

Based on the acclaimed podcast of the same name, follow Brian's transformative journey from codependency and despair to joyful, fulfilling and sustaining relationships. Gain guidance into examining your own life and crafting a personalized pathway to heal from codependency and trauma.

In Part 1 of his journey, Brian explores:

• The family dynamics in his childhood that set the stage for codependent habits.
• The long term effects of trauma, including its complex and chronic manifestations.
• Threat responses (particularly freeze and fawn) and the connection to the behaviors that make up codependency.
• The role of shame and fear in deepening his codependent habits.
• How his codependent behaviors fostered isolation and perpetuated dysfunctional relationship dynamics.
• The toxic interplay between narcissism and codependency, and the trauma bonds that ensnared him in relationships with abusive narcissists.

In Part 2, the re-making of a codependent mind, Brian describes:

• What is on the other side of codependency? Is it worth it?
• Healing from his emotional wounds by connecting with other people, repairing his emotional system and re-writing the stories of his life.
• How he finally broke the codependent habits that prevented him from having the emotionally intimate relationships that he always craved.
• Acquiring a new approach to romantic relationships.

This book is a beacon of hope for those seeking liberation from codependency's grip, providing both insights and practical guidance for the journey toward authenticity and connection.