F*cking History
111 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School
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F*cking History
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Narrated by:
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The Captain
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By:
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The Captain
About this listen
History that doesn't suck: Smart, crude, and hilariously relevant to modern life.
Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. Too bad it's usually boring as sh*t. Enter The Captain, the ultimate storyteller who brings history to life (and to your life) in this hilarious, intelligent, brutally honest, and crude compendium to events that happened before any of us were born.
The entries in this compulsively listenable book bridge past and present with topics like getting ghosted, handling haters, and why dog owners rule (sorry, cat people). Along the way you'll get a glimpse of Edith Wharton's sex life, dating rituals in Ancient Greece, catfishing in 500 BC, medieval flirting techniques, and squad goals from Catherine the Great.
You'll learn why losing yourself in a relationship will make you crazy - like Joanna of Castile, who went from accomplished badass to Joanna the Mad after obsessing over a guy known as Philip the Handsome. You'll discover how Resting Bitch Face has been embraced throughout history (so wear it proudly). And you'll see why it's never a good idea to f*ck with powerful women - from pirate queens to diehard suffragettes to Cleo-f*cking-patra.
People in the past were just like us - so learn from life's losers and emulate the badasses. The Captain shows you how.
©2020 The Captain (P)2020 Penguin AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Winner of the 2001 Audie Award for Classic Fiction, this is an unparalleled presentation of Maugham's stories, complete with sound effects and music.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Jewels!
- By Jacko45 on 07-05-04
-
It Ended Badly
- Thirteen of the Worst Breakups in History
- By: Jennifer Wright
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 8 hrs and 8 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 803
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 733
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Story4 out of 5 stars 731
Spanning eras and cultures from ancient Rome to medieval England to 1950s Hollywood, Jennifer Wright's It Ended Badly guides you through the worst of the worst in historically bad breakups. In the throes of heartbreak, Emperor Nero had just about everyone he ever loved - from his old tutor to most of his friends - put to death. Oscar Wilde's lover, whom he went to jail for, abandoned him when faced with being cut off financially from his wealthy family.
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1 out of 5 stars
-
Shallow, poorly researched, forced humor
- By S. Yates on 05-11-17
By: Jennifer Wright
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Dirty Daddy
- The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian
- By: Bob Saget
- Narrated by: Bob Saget
- Length: 6 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 540
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 483
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 482
Millions of viewers know and love Bob Saget from his role as the sweetly neurotic father on the smash hit Full House, and as the charming wisecracking host of America's Funniest Home Videos. And then there are the legions of fans who can't get enough of his scatological, out-of-his-mind stand-up routines, comedy specials, and outrageously profane performances in such shows as HBO's Entourage and the hit documentary The Aristocrats.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Meh to the 2nd Power
- By Hilary on 06-30-14
By: Bob Saget
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He's a Stud, She's a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know
- By: Jessica Valenti
- Narrated by: Julie McKay
- Length: 6 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 66
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 60
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Story4 out of 5 stars 59
Double standards are nothing new. Women deal with them every day. Take the common truism that women who sleep around are sluts while men are studs. Why is it that men grow distinguished and sexily gray as they age while women just get saggy and haggard? Have you ever wondered how a young woman is supposed to both virginal and provocatively enticing at the same time?
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3 out of 5 stars
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A well acted intro to feminist consciousness
- By Amazon Customer on 02-28-24
By: Jessica Valenti
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Ask Wendy
- By: Wendy Williams
- Narrated by: Wendy Williams
- Length: 5 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 111
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 100
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Story4 out of 5 stars 98
On TV, Wendy only has a few minutes to respond to each audience member, but in Ask Wendy she goes deeper, answering questions sourced from viewers across the country. No question is off-limits and no situation is too outrageous for her to take on. Wendy shoots straight from those womanly hips of hers to help you manage all the crazy that comes into your life - keepin' it real by drawing on the personal experiences that have shaped her unique perspective.
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5 out of 5 stars
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HIlarious
- By Shelley Thomas-Robinson on 10-24-17
By: Wendy Williams
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500 Funny Quotes for Women
- Inspirational Quotes to Boost Your Mood Instantly & Make Your Day a Little Happier!
- By: Stan Hardy
- Narrated by: Jill Rolls
- Length: 1 hr and 32 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 36
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 35
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 35
Funny quotes are great; they allow us to take a quick break, relax, and take life a bit easier. And who doesn’t need those in today’s hectic life? Whether you are looking for an innovative way to cheer yourself up and deal with the daily stresses, stay focused and motivated, or simply trying to find a fantastic gift for a friend or a loved one, 500 Funny Quotes for Women could be a perfect choice!
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5 out of 5 stars
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Made me smile.
- By Lyvon Netherton on 04-13-24
By: Stan Hardy
-
I Don’t Care about Your Band
- What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated
- By: Julie Klausner
- Narrated by: Julie Klausner
- Length: 6 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 339
-
Performance4 out of 5 stars 307
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 309
In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Shopping for Men at the Wrong Mall
- By Pamela Harvey on 01-02-13
By: Julie Klausner
-
Bygone Badass Broads
- 52 Forgotten Women Who Changed the World
- By: Mackenzi Lee
- Narrated by: Lucy James
- Length: 4 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 622
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 527
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 525
Based on Mackenzi Lee's popular weekly Twitter series of the same name, Bygone Badass Broads features 52 remarkable and forgotten trailblazing women from all over the world. With tales of heroism and cunning, in-depth bios and witty storytelling, Bygone Badass Broads gives new life to these historic female pioneers. Starting in the fifth century BC and continuing to the present, the book takes a closer look at bold and inspiring women who dared to step outside the traditional gender roles of their time.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Awesome history, heavy-handed political agenda
- By Charlie on 07-08-18
By: Mackenzi Lee
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Seven Deadly Sins
- Settling the Argument Between Born Bad and Damaged Good
- By: Corey Taylor
- Narrated by: Corey Taylor
- Length: 7 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,079
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 979
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 972
For the first time, Slipknot and Stone Sour frontman Corey Taylor speaks directly to his fans and shares his worldview about life as a sinner. And Taylor knows how to sin. As a small-town hero in the early '90s, he threw himself into a fierce-drinking, drug-abusing, hard-loving, live-for-the-moment life. Soon Taylor's music exploded, and he found himself rich, wanted, and on the road. His new and ever-more-extreme lifestyle had an unexpected effect, however; for the first time, he began to actively think about what it meant to sin.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Glad I didn't read this before buying concert tix
- By S. Adams on 07-23-19
By: Corey Taylor
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Dear Fahrenheit 451
- Love and Heartbreak in the Stacks
- By: Annie Spence
- Narrated by: Stephanie Spicer
- Length: 5 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 77
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 67
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 67
Librarians spend their lives weeding - not weeds, but books - books that have reached the end of their shelf life both literally and figuratively. They remove books that patrons no longer check out, and they put back books they treasure. Annie Spence, who has a decade of experience as a Midwestern librarian, does this not only at her Michigan library but also at home, for her neighbors, at cocktail parties - everywhere. In Dear Fahrenheit 451, she addresses those books directly.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Totally captivating
- By Grace Smith on 03-24-18
By: Annie Spence
-
Drinking and Tweeting
- And Other Brandi Blunders
- By: Brandi Glanville, Leslie Bruce
- Narrated by: Brandi Glanville
- Length: 5 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 159
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 143
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 143
Fans have been waiting for Brandi’s scoop on one of the biggest divorces of the decade since her husband of eight years abandoned her and their two sons to marry country singer LeAnn Rimes. Not only does Brandi spill the beans about her side of the split, but the lovable housewife also shares the incredible wild ride that took her from a life in the ghetto to Hollywood’s most elite circles.
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1 out of 5 stars
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Who edited this?
- By Jessica on 11-02-20
By: Brandi Glanville, and others
-
The Conversation
- How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships
- By: Harper Hill
- Narrated by: Kevin Free
- Length: 7 hrs and 6 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 313
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 238
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 234
New York Times best-selling, award-winning author, actor, and motivational speaker Hill Harper invites listeners to join the conversation about the breakdown of the African-American family. The black community of past generations found strength in families, but today’s black children have less than a one in three chance of being raised in a two-parent household. Harper’s search for answers to this phenomenon is an enlightening and empowering journey.
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5 out of 5 stars
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~*AWESOME*~
- By Nevada on 08-13-10
By: Harper Hill
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Funny How It Works Out
- By: Manon Mathews
- Narrated by: Manon Mathews
- Length: 6 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 199
-
Performance5 out of 5 stars 185
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 185
For comedian and content creator Manon Mathews, comedy is life. But it took more than luck for her hilarious antics on Vine to open the door to her career. It took years of routinely embarrassing herself, improv classes, some stints as an amateur stand-up comic, unrelenting dedication, and one life-altering night out that forced her to change her ways. This set her on the path to manifesting her dream life.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Excellent book!
- By cinematicashley on 11-18-20
By: Manon Mathews
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Cunt (20th Anniversary Edition)
- By: Inga Muscio
- Narrated by: Inga Muscio
- Length: 8 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 58
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 51
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 51
In this fully revised anniversary edition of the classic testament to women's empowerment, Muscio explores with candidness and humor such traditional feminist issues as birth control, sexuality, jealousy between women, and prostitution with a fresh attitude for a new generation of women. Sending out a call for every woman to be the "Cuntlovin' Ruler of Her Sexual Universe", Muscio stands convention on its head by embracing the provocative and celebrating womanhood.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Best book ever
- By Paula Daniels on 07-28-19
By: Inga Muscio
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The Art of the Pimp
- One Man's Search for Love, Sex, and Money
- By: Dennis Hof
- Narrated by: Kevin Stillwell
- Length: 10 hrs
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 124
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 113
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 113
Dennis Hof, proprietor of the world-famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel and the P.T. Barnum of prostitution, charts his path to fame and infamy, while dispensing homespun wisdom about sex, sales, money, and how to live as the country's most recognizable pimp. In The Art of the Pimp, Dennis Hof offers a hilarious, insightful, behind-the-scenes look at life as the proprietor of The Moonlight Bunny Ranch, the world's most famous legal brothel, and recounts his chaotic life.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
if you love the sex industry then yell love this
- By Amazon Customer on 11-28-17
By: Dennis Hof
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Normal Gets You Nowhere
- By: Kelly Cutrone
- Narrated by: Kelly Cutrone
- Length: 3 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 195
-
Performance4 out of 5 stars 168
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 170
With Normal Gets You Nowhere, Kelly Cutrone invites us to get our freak on. History is full of successful, world-changing people who did not fit in. Think Nelson Mandela, Joan of Arc, Eleanor Roosevelt, Amelia Earhart, John Lennon, and Rosa Parks. Instead of changing themselves to accommodate the status quo or what others thought they should be, these people hung a light on their differences - and changed humanity in the process. “I know you don’t feel normal, so why are you trying to act it and prove to everyone you are?” Cutrone says.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
For open minds and hearts.
- By Kelly on 01-06-12
By: Kelly Cutrone
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The Education of Nia Simone Bijou
- By: Eric Jerome Dickey
- Narrated by: Honey Jones
- Length: 3 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 100
-
Performance4 out of 5 stars 85
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 86
From her first days at Virginia’s Hampton University, impressionable, creative Nia falls smitten with Chris Eidos Alleyne, an athlete and a scholar. “Love is sweet nothings and beautiful promises”, Nia writes in her journal. What her girlfriends know, and her mother doesn’t, is that Chris’s expression of love is deeply physical. Wielding powerful charisma, Chris soon has Nia abandoning innocence for experience.
-
3 out of 5 stars
-
worst narration ever
- By Dawn D. on 02-13-20
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Only four men survived the plane crash. The pilot. A politician. A cop... and the criminal he was shackled to. On an icy night in October 1984, a commuter plane carrying nine passengers crashed in the remote wilderness of northern Alberta. Four survived: the rookie pilot, a prominent politician, a cop, and the criminal he was escorting to face charges. As the men fight through the night to stay alive, the dividing lines of power, wealth, and status are erased, and each man is forced to confront the precious and limited nature of his existence.
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If anyone could be considered a Russian counterpart to the infamous British double-agent Kim Philby, it was Oleg Gordievsky. The son of two KGB agents and the product of the best Soviet institutions, the savvy, sophisticated Gordievsky grew to see his nation's communism as both criminal and philistine. He took his first posting for Russian intelligence in 1968 and eventually became the Soviet Union's top man in London, but from 1973 on he was secretly working for MI6.
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Everyone needs to listen to this amazing man
- By Christan Derryberry on 05-12-21
By: Eddie Jaku
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The Story Behind
- The Extraordinary History Behind Ordinary Objects
- By: Emily Prokop
- Narrated by: Emily Prokop
- Length: 4 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 21
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 15
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Story4 out of 5 stars 15
Many of us learn about the major inventions that shape our world. But we too often overlook the objects we use every day. In The Story Behind, Emily Prokop, creator of the Webby Award nominated podcast, explores the who, how, and huh? of everything from Band-Aids to bubble gum; hypnosis to Hula Hoops; and lullabies to lead pipes. Along the way, she demonstrates how the major events of history - from wars, plagues and revolutions to historic achievements and discoveries - have influenced some of the world’s most pervasive inventions.
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2 out of 5 stars
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One third of the book is repeated after initial description of subject under “TLDR” ..?
- By Dogs Land on 03-25-24
By: Emily Prokop
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On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down
- By: James Fell
- Narrated by: Kelli Tager, James Fell
- Length: 17 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 29
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 25
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Story4 out of 5 stars 25
Nazis are bad. The worst kind of bad. There are no very fine people among them. If you disagree, you won’t like this book. Still here? Cool. You are about to receive an education unlike any you’ve previously experienced. In this uproarious and informative tour from ancient times to the modern day and everything in between, James Fell, the self-proclaimed “sweary historian,” reveals a past replete with deeds both noble and despicable. Throughout the book, he provides insightful analysis of all the sh!t that went down. Behold!
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5 out of 5 stars
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Rad.
- By Christine C. Keiser on 11-21-23
By: James Fell
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The Keeper of Happy Endings
- By: Barbara Davis
- Narrated by: Robin Siegerman, Hope Newhouse
- Length: 15 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 4,537
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 4,172
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 4,153
Soline Roussel is well schooled in the business of happy endings. For generations her family has kept an exclusive bridal salon in Paris, where magic is worked with needle and thread. It’s said that the bride who wears a Roussel gown is guaranteed a lifetime of joy. But devastating losses during World War II leave Soline’s world and heart in ruins and her faith in love shaken. She boxes up her memories, stowing them away, along with her broken dreams, determined to forget.
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3 out of 5 stars
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French accent
- By Lilya on 10-22-21
By: Barbara Davis
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Dirty Daddy
- The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian
- By: Bob Saget
- Narrated by: Bob Saget
- Length: 6 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 540
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 483
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 482
Millions of viewers know and love Bob Saget from his role as the sweetly neurotic father on the smash hit Full House, and as the charming wisecracking host of America's Funniest Home Videos. And then there are the legions of fans who can't get enough of his scatological, out-of-his-mind stand-up routines, comedy specials, and outrageously profane performances in such shows as HBO's Entourage and the hit documentary The Aristocrats.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Meh to the 2nd Power
- By Hilary on 06-30-14
By: Bob Saget
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The Lost Bookshop
- By: Evie Woods
- Narrated by: Avena Mansergh-Wallace, Olivia Mace, Nick Biadon
- Length: 12 hrs
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 2,417
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 2,306
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 2,306
For too long, Opaline, Martha and Henry have been the side characters in their own lives. But when a vanishing bookshop casts its spell, these three unsuspecting strangers will discover that their own stories are every bit as extraordinary as the ones found in the pages of their beloved books. And by unlocking the secrets of the shelves, they find themselves transported to a world of wonder…where nothing is as it seems.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Incredible history book story
- By Elisabeth on 10-25-23
By: Evie Woods
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Mean Streak
- By: Sandra Brown
- Narrated by: Jonathan Davis
- Length: 11 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 13,663
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 12,365
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 12,340
Dr. Emory Charbonneau, a pediatrician and marathon runner, disappears on a mountain road in North Carolina. By the time her husband Jeff, miffed over a recent argument, reports her missing, the trail has grown cold. Literally. Fog and ice encapsulate the mountainous wilderness and paralyze the search for her. While police suspect Jeff of "instant divorce," Emory, suffering from an unexplained head injury, regains consciousness and finds herself the captive of a man whose violent past is so dark that he won't even tell her his name.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Meh - Only Ok if You Like Cheese
- By Michelle Harder on 06-26-17
By: Sandra Brown
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The Forgotten 500
- By: Gregory A. Freeman
- Narrated by: Patrick Lawlor
- Length: 10 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,884
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 1,420
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 1,425
Here is the astonishing, never-before-told story of the greatest rescue mission of World War II: when the OSS set out to recover more than 500 airmen trapped behind enemy lines. During a bombing campaign, hundreds of American airmen were shot down in Nazi-occupied Yugoslavia. Local Serbian villagers risked their own lives to give refuge to the soldiers, and for months the airmen lived in hiding, waiting for rescue.
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4 out of 5 stars
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an amazing tale
- By Ron on 10-28-07
What listeners say about F*cking History
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall3 out of 5 stars
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Performance1 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- Corey Nikont
- 06-12-21
Probably a better read
The stories are great, and the underlying message is something we should all get behind. However, it was delivered like a bad Best Mans speech, with (pause for laughter) written into the notes. I would purchase the hard copy though.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- SGT_Clinton
- 01-05-22
Great stories
Loved it. Absolutely hilarious at times. I'm glad that I listened. I have already suggested it to others.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Lisa
- 01-21-23
Because History should be fun!
I thoroughly enjoyed the humor throughout while learning strange facts that I can now share at inappropriate moments with friends and family. Thanks Captain!
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Overall4 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- James M
- 01-16-23
A Little Trashy.. But Worth It
Short and quick historical stories.. Great for those who like to hear some interesting stuff.. on the way to work.. NOT FOR KIDS..
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Isabel Perez
- 08-24-20
Badass Brain Power!
Awesomeness!!!! To The Captain! En hora buena... congrats to you on this journey and thanks for sharing your badassery with the world - Gracias 💗
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Andrea
- 02-12-24
The plan yet humorous terminology used in the narration.
I learned a lot, and it felt like I was learning from a friend because of the way it was written 
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- RhoCloRisin
- 12-26-21
F*cking Awesome
Loved it. Educational, uplifting, and inspiring. Thank you for sharing the brilliance.
Blessings,
RhoCloRisin
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Glynis Olson
- 05-07-22
I love this book!
The Captain is fun and the book was great! I actually learned quite a bit. Thanks Captain I hope you write another.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 10-04-22
Best shit ever.
This book had me laughing, thinking about life and saying WTF the whole way through. I absolutely LOVED it Must read or listen to.
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Overall4 out of 5 stars
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Performance3 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Michael Grant White
- 01-04-23
Funny but way way too many 4 letter words.
Making me spend my time when the review is taking up too much of my time.
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