Secrets of Sex and Marriage

8 Surprises That Make All the Difference

By: Shaunti Feldhahn, Dr. Michael Sytsma

Narrated by: Shaunti Feldhahn, Michael Sytsma

Let's Talk about Sex

Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either—what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"

Most importantly: "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"

Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but it doesn't have to be that way.

Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can trust, based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2023 Veritas Enterprises, Inc., and Michael Sytsma (P)2023 eChristian

Every Married Couple Should Read!!!!

This book was so insightful and so helpful! My husband and I have really good sex life, but this book brought to our attention some deficits that we had, and the steps that we needed to make everything better. I highly suggest all married couples and engaged couples read this, it’s great advice and you won’t regret the time spent reading it.

Great Book. I highly recommend.

Touched on subjects no other author or counselor has touched on. One being that sex isn’t a need. Second it offered so much great advice about the different types of desires of people, and how to work with the desires within the marriage. I highly recommend it.

Insightful & Understandable

An excellent resource for improving married couples sex life. Well researched & shared on a real persons level.

My new fav from Shanti (& now Sytsma too)

Poignant, informational, and relatable. Interesting topics based on data for 3/4th's of the book, and then Christian grace wrapping up towards the end. Thank you to the authors and supporting staff, friends, and family (oh, and those surveyed).

Immense help with understanding each other

I eagerly waited for this release since finishing For Women Only and then For Men Only. This audiobook used the same statistical approach to common marital problems as the previous books while structuring all the points with a counseling approach from an actual marriage counselor. That being said, I felt that listening to this book was a real up front and truthful examination of where things go wrong with our own feelings. The narrating was clear and pleasing to listen to, as Shaunti Feldhahn brings a great energy with her voice. If you enjoyed the other two books I mentioned, you will enjoy this one

One of the best books I have read on this subject

As a marriage and family therapist I have read a lot of books about sex. This is definitely one of the best books I have read!

Felt too vague

I felt like the book touched on a lot of important topics, but skimmed them and in my opinion could have provided more specific information. I’m enjoying reading her other book “for women only” much better.

An Interesting Conclusion

This book starts out strong but then fizzles at the end as it loses solidarity and focus on its main intent. Let me attempt to explain what I mean.

The beginning chapters start out with helpful information that refer often to longitudinal studies and how to identify a high-drive spouse from a low-drive spouse and what type of initiator they are. It does offer some useful scenarios, and at times cringey “real life” examples that supposedly happened. The policeman high-fiving a dude for banging his wife out on the soccer field (illegal by the way)… come on. Zero chance it played out or happened like that without total embellishment… but I digress.

No, where the book fell apart was in chapter 9 where you are, in a nutshell, told to “accept” and “grieve” your spouse for who they are, or the lack thereof. A low-drive, non initiating, spouse who is fine with sex just once a month is going to rejoice here. A high-drive, stressed out, spouse who feels like they are carrying the weight of the sexual intimacy in a relationship will be extremely frustrated. Being told there is nothing you can do other than change your perspective? You’re married. You’re stuck. Accept it. That’s going to come off pretty flat for a lot of folks.

After all, sex and intimacy were created by God, for the purpose of binding spouses and bringing children in to the world. It’s supposed to be an act only shared within a loving, caring relationship, where partners should want to do their best and be their best. To look for ways to please and serve their spouse. The problem with chapter 9 is it leaned way to heavy on telling the spouse to accept their spouse as they are, rather than persuade both spouses to reach and seek for compromise. After all, sex is not a bad thing. It should be strengthening and enhancing the intimacy within a marriage. Simply accepting your spouse for how things are, especially when one of them is not happy, will only lead to resentment and hurt. They claim this “grief” will allow you to move on. But how can you when you know it could be better. After all, you feel these feelings for your spouse, why are they not reciprocated or at least being attempted to be reciprocated? This chapter would have been much more effective it provided real scenarios, conversation starters, and methods on how different types of spouses could approach reaching compromise, peace, and ultimately, lasting intimacy.

Overall I thought the book was going in the right direction, but missed the mark at the end. The “I’m me, this is how I am mentality”, rather than “I should be communicating with my spouse, asking how they like to receive intimacy and being open to their ideas, wants, needs… especially if they are meeting mine” would do much better here. It’s a compromise - an invitation to love your spouse how they are, of course - but inviting you to go further and actually CHANGE for the betterment of your marriage. What a Novel idea right?

Compromise. Meet your spouse in the middle. Strive to build a beautiful, adventurous, loving, and intimate sex life. It will only increase and deepen your love for one another.