In which Puck prepares to meddle, Hermia plans to move in, and Oberon and Titania make a wager.

For the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

For more Faustian Nonsense shows, or info about the network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to the FN Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. 

PUCK

[Directly to mic/audience]

Hey Mustardseed, Musty darling! Thanks for agreeing to edit this together for me! I mean, you haven’t agreed yet, but I know you’d never refuse me--so thanks!

[Chuckles to himself]

It is for a good cause. The best cause, really. You know how nice our place is, right? I mean, it’s a penthouse in Manhattan, so obviously it’s gorgeous. And you were here for that Halloween party, right? I remember you commenting on the gas stove. Something something plumbing renovations in New York are a nightmare, something. It was super boring but you seemed into it! And you know I support your boring interests heart and soul, Musty. 

 But did you know, it’s also rent controlled? We’ve been here for, what, fifty years? Oberon was in a deep cut v-neck and platform shoes when we moved in, so it’s been a hot minute. 

So, rent controlled. Started in the 70s. You do the math. Tally it up in your head. Got it? Ready? 

Cut it in half, Musty. Titania was on a streak, all about ‘charming humans out of their wits for fun and profit, not to mention style.’ I’m pretty sure the documents have a bit of the landlord’s drool preserved in the paper. Horrific, but hey. 

Now Puck, you say, it sounds like things are great! What could you possibly need my help for? Well, it’s Oberon and Titania. You know how they are. No sense of respect for things! Remember that time Obie smashed Jimmy Hendrix’s guitar after Tiddy slept with him? They scold me, “so materialistic, Puck!” Meanwhile they’re leaving Dior this and Gucci that on the floor for the cat to nest in. 

 So you see, if I leave them to it, they’ll destroy this beautiful, beautiful oasis in their next knockdown, blow-out break up. It would honestly be a sin. It’d be a literal crime. But me? I would cherish this place, Musty. I would treat her like the lady she is.

So what I’m doing--what we’re doing, sorry darling--is saving the day, if you think about it. We’re going to get this baby the parent she deserves. Someone committed, someone clever, someone handsome - that’s right! Good ol’ Puck. Mr. Robin Goodfellow. Me. 

Oh, and you! Of course. Whenever you get time away from throwing pollen about or whatever it is you do these days. And all I need is a teensy tiny favor... 

[Pause to appreciate his genius, get smug]

When Oberon...

The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia?

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out our website at faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

INT. PENTHOUSE

TITANIA

How long before it's live?

OBERON

Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen?

TITANIA

No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong?

OBERON

It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me.

PUCK

She's not wrong, then.

OBERON

And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck?

TITANIA

I am not, no.

[Guitar tuning]

I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window.

PUCK

Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics.

[Annoyed guitar tuning]

TITANIA

And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet?

OBERON

[Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does]

I'm merely--

[Guitar]

Titania--

[Guitar, louder]

Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager!

[She lets him finish that sentence]

Especially since I'm going to--(win)

[Longest guitar riff]

PUCK

[giggles]

Hey, is that them?

TITANIA

That's an ice cream truck.

PUCK

You don't know what Lysander drives.

TITANIA

He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb.

Puck brings the mortals a special delivery.

To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

The Mortals’ podcast

[Helena in a Handbasket opening] 

HELENA 

Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. 

LYSANDER 

Are we out of milk? 

HELENA 

There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! 

LYSANDER 

Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?

HELENA

And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. 

HERMIA

[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?

HELENA

Ugh. [Shouting] No!

[Hermia enters Helena’s room]

HERMIA

Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?

HELENA

What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! 

HERMIA

Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. 

HELENA

And what was it he sprained again? 

LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY] 

Ankle./Shoulder. 

….Shoulder?/...Ankle? 

LYSANDER 

My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...

[LYSANDER limps away]

HERMIA

The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel.