In which Puck prepares to meddle, Hermia plans to move in, and Oberon and Titania make a wager.

For the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

For more Faustian Nonsense shows, or info about the network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to the FN Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. 

PUCK

[Directly to mic/audience]

Hey Mustardseed, Musty darling! Thanks for agreeing to edit this together for me! I mean, you haven’t agreed yet, but I know you’d never refuse me--so thanks!

[Chuckles to himself]

It is for a good cause. The best cause, really. You know how nice our place is, right? I mean, it’s a penthouse in Manhattan, so obviously it’s gorgeous. And you were here for that Halloween party, right? I remember you commenting on the gas stove. Something something plumbing renovations in New York are a nightmare, something. It was super boring but you seemed into it! And you know I support your boring interests heart and soul, Musty. 

 But did you know, it’s also rent controlled? We’ve been here for, what, fifty years? Oberon was in a deep cut v-neck and platform shoes when we moved in, so it’s been a hot minute. 

So, rent controlled. Started in the 70s. You do the math. Tally it up in your head. Got it? Ready? 

Cut it in half, Musty. Titania was on a streak, all about ‘charming humans out of their wits for fun and profit, not to mention style.’ I’m pretty sure the documents have a bit of the landlord’s drool preserved in the paper. Horrific, but hey. 

Now Puck, you say, it sounds like things are great! What could you possibly need my help for? Well, it’s Oberon and Titania. You know how they are. No sense of respect for things! Remember that time Obie smashed Jimmy Hendrix’s guitar after Tiddy slept with him? They scold me, “so materialistic, Puck!” Meanwhile they’re leaving Dior this and Gucci that on the floor for the cat to nest in. 

 So you see, if I leave them to it, they’ll destroy this beautiful, beautiful oasis in their next knockdown, blow-out break up. It would honestly be a sin. It’d be a literal crime. But me? I would cherish this place, Musty. I would treat her like the lady she is.

So what I’m doing--what we’re doing, sorry darling--is saving the day, if you think about it. We’re going to get this baby the parent she deserves. Someone committed, someone clever, someone handsome - that’s right! Good ol’ Puck. Mr. Robin Goodfellow. Me. 

Oh, and you! Of course. Whenever you get time away from throwing pollen about or whatever it is you do these days. And all I need is a teensy tiny favor... 

[Pause to appreciate his genius, get smug]

When Oberon...

The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia?

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out our website at faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

INT. PENTHOUSE

TITANIA

How long before it's live?

OBERON

Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen?

TITANIA

No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong?

OBERON

It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me.

PUCK

She's not wrong, then.

OBERON

And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck?

TITANIA

I am not, no.

[Guitar tuning]

I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window.

PUCK

Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics.

[Annoyed guitar tuning]

TITANIA

And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet?

OBERON

[Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does]

I'm merely--

[Guitar]

Titania--

[Guitar, louder]

Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager!

[She lets him finish that sentence]

Especially since I'm going to--(win)

[Longest guitar riff]

PUCK

[giggles]

Hey, is that them?

TITANIA

That's an ice cream truck.

PUCK

You don't know what Lysander drives.

TITANIA

He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb.

Puck brings the mortals a special delivery.

To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

The Mortals’ podcast

[Helena in a Handbasket opening] 

HELENA 

Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. 

LYSANDER 

Are we out of milk? 

HELENA 

There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! 

LYSANDER 

Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?

HELENA

And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. 

HERMIA

[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?

HELENA

Ugh. [Shouting] No!

[Hermia enters Helena’s room]

HERMIA

Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?

HELENA

What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! 

HERMIA

Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. 

HELENA

And what was it he sprained again? 

LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY] 

Ankle./Shoulder. 

….Shoulder?/...Ankle? 

LYSANDER 

My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...

[LYSANDER limps away]

HERMIA

The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel. 

Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

INT. MORTALS' PLACE

[Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background.]

DEMETRIUS

Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves?

[sigh]

So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no.

Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but… well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this… normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is… Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations. 

[pause]

And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena.

Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea. 

Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia. 

Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart. 

...Or something like that. I wouldn’t...

Things escalate with the mortals when Hermia drinks some of Puck's concoction. It starts to look bleak for Oberon and Titania...'s favorite podcast.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

INT. MORTAL’S APT.

HERMIA

So is this one live, then?

HELENA

Yeah, we’re live now. On air.

HERMIA

That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that.

HELENA

Uh, thanks. 

HERMIA

And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it.

HELENA

What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in)

HERMIA

Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure…

HELENA

You see yourself as a public figure?

HERMIA

And he’s not exactly a performer, you know?

HELENA

Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him)

HERMIA

He’s like. Really real, you know?

HELENA

Oh. Yeah, I guess--

HERMIA

Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right?

HELENA

...Oh. Well.

[knock on apartment door]

DEMETRIUS

[coming into the room in a hurry]

I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work.

LYSANDER

[following]

You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man…

DEMETRIUS

Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours.

Titania and Oberon decide what to do about the chaos among the mortals. Puck plots his next move.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.

To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

[Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet.]

TITANIA

Don’t.

OBERON

Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode?

TITANIA

Don’t.

PUCK

Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to.

TITANIA

Oberon, I swear --

OBERON

Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening.

PUCK

Got it! You said -

[Oberon voice]

Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave.

[Puck voice]

And then you said -

[Oberon voice]

If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move.

[Puck voice]

And then -- (you said)

TITANIA

ENOUGH! I get it, okay?

OBERON

So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work?

TITANIA

[Stammering a bit] 

N-no! That isn’t the lesson here!

OBERON

Are you serious?

TITANIA

I stand by everything I said.

PUCK

Does that include -

[Titania voice]

You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little...