Spiritual leaders on the somehow-still-peaceful planet of Bardotta are disappearing, and that Queen Julia has called upon the Senate for help. The ghost of Senator Onoconda Farr chimes in with an undignified snort, but no one in the Senate has a sense of clairaudience or of irony, and so it goes unnoticed. Chancellor Palpatine calls the Jedi Council to let them know it will in fact be a mismatched duo comedy episode starring bad cop Mace Windu and clown cop Jar Jar Binks. See, the Bardottans hate the Jedi, because they steal children, and so want Jar-Jar and no one else to come help them.

When they arrive on Bardotta, we learn that the Dagoyan Masters, non-Jedi, non-Sith force wielders, are disappearing one by one. We also learn that Jar-Jar and Queen Julia are, let's say, more than friends. Shortly after this the queen disappears. The Bardottan council explains the source of the prophecy is the Frangawl clan, who worshiped a demon in a shrine below the temple, and we realize that this is not just a buddy cop movie with a side-helping of Orientalism, but an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom pastiche.

Our heroes journey to the caverns below the palace, where Jar Jar is immediately captured and placed in a cage hanging over lava.

After a standard amount of Jar Jar hijinks, Master Windu locates him, and the battle rages! The cultists are defeated but the cult leader escapes with the still-captive queen. Jar-jar promises the Bardottan council for the second time that day that he and Mace will recover the queen.

The Frangawl cult gets to take over the Bardottan government if Queen Julia isn’t found. I’m not sure kidnapping is a good basis for transfer of power in governments, but at this point, as an American, maybe I should be more open to new ideas.

Jar Jar breaks down what happened to the Bardotten master. The terms ‘crispy fried’ and ‘force sucked right out of him’ are referenced. Meanwhile the cultist Ornithopter lands on Geidi Prime, and if Julia is fitted with a heart plug to extract her living force I’m going to start enjoying this arc.

The Great Mother (who?!) has told the cultists that they have Jedi on their tail. The cultists are being sneaky by dragging the kidnapping victim and a glowing sphere of living force through a crowded marketplace and Jar Jar and Mace still almost miss them.

Mace and Jar Jar run into what looks like a genestealer cultist who sicks a couple Gundarks on them. Jar Jar’s prehensile tongue comes into play, and somewhere Kit Fisto senses another erotic disturbance in the Force. There’s talk of planetary alignment and apparently Lovecraftian cultists are now in the mix; we’re one pair of Nike Decades away from a cultist connect four.

Hey, it’s Mother Talzin! More fighting with some rejects from the Uldaur raid and at this point I had to lay down for a while with some pretty severe WoW flashbacks. Mother Talzin and Mace fight, and she holds her own against a Jedi who made Darth Sidious look like a chump. Where was this when Grievous invaded Dathomir?

Anyway Jar Jar rescues the Queen, Mother Talzin’s scheme unravels and Mother Talzin dissolves with a scream…? The queen decides that maybe the Bardottens should reconsider their attitude towards the Jedi, and she just has the absolute worst judgment of anyone on this show and that’s saying a lot.

https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296
https://www.closingcrawl.com/
Merch at: https://bit.ly/spacetimetm

Senator Amidala is apparently the only person responsible for aiding refugees, and apparently all money comes from the Banking Clan on Scipio. Amidala and her aide Teckla Minnau travel there and meet old friend, Rush Clovis.

Clovis proves his good intentions by sneaking into Padme's bedroom, this bank has security almost as bad as Fortress Inquisitorius ! He explains that the Banking Clan is about to change its name to Bear-Stearns, as the vaults are almost empty.

Chancellor Palpatine asks Padme to help Clovis and find out more about the missing money. Padme and Clovis head to his private apartments to make their Ocean's 2 heist plan to steals banking files. Teckla follows through on the play, but is assassinated by Bounty Hunter Embo: RSVP Teckla Minnau!

Padme and Clovis review the data, but before they can act Padme is arrested for espionage. The Jedi send Anakin to Scipio to help; once he arrives and learns Clovis is involved, he becomes a raging pit of jealousy. Our heroes manage to escape, but as they do, Embo contacts Darth Sidious, who declares that going forward Sidious will deal with them personally.

The space caricatures of ‘international’ bankers are meeting in their steampunk lair - oof. Yoda meets Padme, Anakin and Rush Clovis and escorts them to the Chancellors office. Anakin gets possessive and picks a fight with Padme, which Clovis somehow wins simply by not being a raging dick. Obi Wan notices that Anakin is pretty angry, and they almost have a conversation about Anankin and Padme. Anakin outright lies about his relationship with Padme.

Padme and Clovis engage in some forensic accounting. Clovis gets grabby. Anakin, who has presumably been using the peeping tom force power, barges in and proceeds to Force Choke Clovis. Clovis gets Anakin to put down his lightsaber and put up his dukes. Security is called and Clovis may be many things, but he aint no snitch. Padme tells Anakin to get lost. Anakin is heartbroken.

The Separatists and the Republic vote to allow Clovis to become head of the banking clans (which, what the hell?).

We open on Scipio as the transfer of power to Rush Clovis is about to begin. Dooku Spacetimes(™) with Clovis with demands and threats to raise the interest rates on the Republic, otherwise the Separatists will default on their payments.

Padme relays this information to the Senate. Yoda and Chancellor Palpatine both want to investigate Clovis, but in their own ways.

Back on Scipio, the separatists attack Padme’s clone escort and Dooku arrives to take control. Padme is captured. Palpatine decides they must declare war on Scipio. Dooku FORCE…S Padme to shoot the separatist senator.

Yoda sends an obviously conflicted Anakin to Scipio. Sidious and Dooku reveal that the banks will be placed under the control of the Supreme Chancelor… their plan all along. Padme warns Clovis that he has lost control. A Vulture droid is shot down and crashes into Clovis’ office, causing Padme and Clovis to tumble over the edge. Anakin cannot save them both. Clovis apologizes for all he’s done, and sacrifices himself.

Palpatine gets control of the banks, but promises to relinquish power once the war is over… A promise I’m sure he’ll keep.

https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296
https://www.closingcrawl.com/
Merch at: https://bit.ly/spacetimetm

We open on Fives meeting with Shaak Ti. Shaak says that the chancellor wants the tumor. Shaak is going to take the tumor to the Jedi temple first, and Nala Sey protests.

AZ3 runs into Fives in the halfway, and their clone guards aren’t super good at the whole guarding thing. AZ lets slip that Fives is to be mindwiped and assigned to Sanitation duty. Fives is done getting the runaround and as it turns out an Arc trooper is more effective than four guard clones who never made it off Kamino. Imagine what he could do with Sanitation, probably some sort of Space Cloaca Maxima. Dave Filoni call me.

Fives steals a ship and makes a break for it, but ditches it to swim back to the cloning facility. AZ3 is apparently a distant cousin to Lazerbeak and turns into a jetski. Meanwhile Nala Sey calls Darth Tyrannus. Tyrannus gives her marching orders: the Jedi must never know about the true nature of the inhibitor chip.

Fives and AZ3 start doing science: the implant is foreign which means it’s intentional. Fives starts taking off his helmet like he’s the main character in a Marvel movie. Fives has AZ remove his own chip because he’s maybe the best character in Star Wars? But do all clones have the chips? To the embryo farm!! Looks like all the clones have the chips.

Nala Sey interrupts and explains the truth: Sipho Dyas ordered the chips implanted. Fives is upset that the Jedi might have done this to the clones. Shaak shows up and Fives basically gets to the heart of the matter when he says that the chips have to be removed or the entire Grand Army of the Republic could be compromised.

Nala Sey says that Fives should be terminated and that he is property. Interesting production note, Ayn Rand and the Daughters of the Confederacy have writing credits on this episode. Weird. Shaak says that he’s actually property of the Republic, that and a lightsaber apparently carry the day. Fives and Nala Sey are to accompany Shaak and the evidence to Coruscant.

Fives is drugged by Nala Se, right under JEDI MASTER Shaak Ti’s nose, and then presented to Chancelor Palpatine. Nala Sey insists the chip in every clone is fine, but Fives protests. Palpatine suggests he speak to Fives alone… So he can be more open and speak his mind. During this private conversation, Fives “attacks” Palpatine and is chased by Shaak Ti. She loses him when she orders a clone to “close the blast door”... always a mistake.

Coruscant goes on lockdown looking for the wayward clone. Upon Anakin’s suggestion, Mace instructs Anakin to conduct a “quiet investigation”... Anakin’s strong suit. Fives goes on the run to a clone bar, the 79’s. Fives explains to 501st clone trooper Kix what is going on and that he needs Anakin and Rex to meet him at some secret coordinates.

Anakin and Rex show up at to meet Fives. He starts to explain what’s going on with the chips and what’s going on in his head… and in the process sounds a little cuckoo while explaining his theory. Palpatine’s clone guards show up and shoot Fives… But not before he was maybe getting through to at least Rex, if not Anakin as well.

Palpatine tells the Jedi that Nala Sey found out it was something in the water in Ringo Vinda, and that the Kaminoans have already developed a vaccine to administer to all clones. Palpatine and Dooku Spacetime (™) and congratulate themselves on covering up order 66.

https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296
https://www.closingcrawl.com/
Merch at: https://bit.ly/spacetimetm