Ep. 9 / Process of Grieving Infant Loss

1. Let’s define infant loss. Infant loss can come in all kinds of forms that you may not think of: miscarriage, stillbirth, a baby born with disabilities that weren’t anticipated, a baby dying after birth…

2.   The official stages of grief in order are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

I’ve found this to be true in my own experience. When Olivia died….

1. Denial: some moms might deny that they lost their baby in various ways - thinking she might be pregnant again or thinking they feel their baby still in their belly or pretending nothing happened.

2. Anger: once you come to grips that your baby died, your baby did not come home with you or maybe your baby did come home but is no longer there with you, you start to get angry. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to my child? You start blaming various people. You blame yourself, maybe you didn’t take your prenatal vitamins as you should have, or maybe you didn’t eat the best while pregnant or drank or used some drugs. Or you might blame your spouse, maybe something they did or said affected you and the baby. Or you might blame some extenuating circumstances that were outside of your control. Or maybe you blame the healthcare system or a doctor in particular. The blame game usually starts and you become angry towards that person or thing to which you are blaming for losing your baby.

3. Once you move past the fact that your child going to heaven before you wasn’t anyone and anythings fault but the sovereign hand of God you begin to bargain with Him. I’ll do this or say this or be this if you’ll only bless me with a baby. If you’ll only give me another baby then I’ll be happy.

4. Once you realize that you cannot bargain with the Creator and Sustainer of all things you begin to sink into depression. Your child, your dreams and plans for the future have been ripped from your hands and you feel empty and hallow inside. You don’t want to make plans because what’s the point? You’re afraid to even begin to think about having another baby because what if the same thing happens? Every time you see another pregnant person or a baby or maybe even a child that’s the same age as yours would be if they were still here you slip quickly back into your dark place.

5. The depression will be less intense and less frequent as time goes on. Time does heal a lot of wounds but there are some wounds that cut too deep that we may not ever be completely healed from on this side of heaven. Once we fully and humbly accept that our child is in the safe and loving arms of Jesus in a much better and beautiful place and that (dare I say it?) This is what God ordained and therefore is what is best we are able to continue on through life here on earth and serve Christ in a full and abundant way.

It’s a long process and depending on many factors it will take everyone different lengths of time to complete the process. But we ALL must go through the process. The key to getting to the other side is to not get stuck in any of those tunnels. Don’t sit in one for too long where it effects your relationships with your family and your relationship with God.

Here are some things to think about as you walk through these deep waters:

1. God is sovereign Colossians 1:16-17
2. God knows what He is doing - nothing is a surprise to Him Isaiah 45:7-9
3. It’s not your fault Job 42:2
4. God cares about your pain Matthew 10:29-31
5. Stay close to Him and you’ll come through the other side Psalm 34