Truth be Told : Motherhood By cover art

Truth be Told : Motherhood

By: Kayla Nickey
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  • Summary

  • A place of truth for moms. This is the podcast that you'll get to hear all the things that no one else talks about - the things that need to be talked about.
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Episodes
  • Ep. 11 / Things You Shouldn't Say

    Ep. 11 / Things You Shouldn't Say
    Mar 17 2023
    Ep. 11 / Things to Not Say to Someone Who Has Experienced Infant Loss Let me just start this episode by saying that it’s important to really apply this is everyone because you don’t know who has experienced infant loss. You might have a friend or family member even, who has experienced infant loss and these questions or statements should probably be avoided at all costs. I remember before Olivia passed that a grieving counselor/nurse at the hospital I was in came in and sat with me and explained to me that people are going to say some really stupid things and they may not mean anything by it but it’s going to hurt. She was helping prepare me as I was very raw and vulnerable, to go out into the world and deal with dumb questions and stupid comments. After Olivia passed, I’ve had everything you can think of. I’ve been deeply hurt by comments made by friends and family members and some weren’t meant to hurt me so I have asked God to help soften my heart and not take things personally. As someone who has personally experienced infant loss, let me just share some basic things you shouldn’t say:  1. Are you going to try again? Unless the person you’re talking to is years away from their baby dying, this is a question you should not be asking. Honestly, asking anyone if they’re trying again isn’t your business but if you’re a close friend or family member maybe you could ask instead, how can I be praying for your family? This is an open-ended question that gives the parent an opportunity to share what they’re comfortable sharing.  2. Are you going to use the same name? I was asked this and to this day it makes me roll my eyes but this should not be a question you ask. Each baby is a different baby - they are all unique and while a name is just a name, asking someone if they’re going to name two of their kids the same name is not wise. If you have a friend who is pregnant with a rainbow baby (for those of you who don’t know what a rainbow baby is, it’s a baby who comes after a loss) you can ask instead, have you thought about a name yet? Don’t make this baby seem that it’s the same baby that was lost - bad idea on many levels.  3. I think it’s time to move on, don’t you? Whoa. If you are listening to this and have personally lost a baby you know that that struck a few (probably many) chords and you’re like why would anyone say that?! Well, it was said to me and to this day I still struggle with it if I’m honest. This shouldn’t be a question or statement made to anyone who is grieving the death of anyone. You are on the outside looking in, you are not experiencing what that person is living. We will never get over our child, we will always remember their birthdays and the day of their passing - we just will. Anyone would. This question should be replaced with, how are you doing emotionally? How can I pray for you? If your friend is stuck in depression or in another phase of the process of grieving I suggest you listen to my previous episodes on this topic so you can better understand where they’re at and how to help them through it. 4. What are you going to do with all the baby stuff? Before we came home from the hospital my family lovingly took all the baby stuff and put it all into the nursery and closed the door so that I didn’t have physical reminders when I got home of what I lost at the hospital. Personally I found it helpful and was very appreciative of their efforts. I obviously had to eventually enter that room and go through it all. I gave a lot of the clothes away and kept the ones that I really liked just in case. But I had full intentions of trying to have another baby so I wasn’t going to get rid of any of the baby gear, we simply boxed it up and saved it for later. Granted, there was a lot of tears involved as we boxed up items that we had planned on using with our Olivia but that wasn’t the plan God had for us. Instead of asking this very raw question you can ask instead, how can I help you with your healing process? Can I clean your home for you? Do some laundry? Bring a meal? Can I help box up anything?  5. At least your baby is in a better place now. While this is true - heaven certainly is better than earth - this should NOT come out of your mouth. Sorry but it’s just the truth. This is the go-to for all Christians it seems. To any mom the best  place for their baby is in their arms and that was stripped away from them. The mom doesn’t need this reminder, she will come to this on her own and in God’s timing but you are not God’s messenger to tell them this. I feel like this is a go-to because frankly, a lot of people don’t know what to say and they want to be helpful and encouraging but let me tell you, this is far from it. If you want to be helpful and encouraging you can simply say that you are so sorry for their loss, give them a hug, and pray for them right then and there or if it’s not a good time and/or ...
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    20 mins
  • Ep. 10 / Practical Ways to Heal from Infant Loss

    Ep. 10 / Practical Ways to Heal from Infant Loss
    Mar 10 2023
    Ep. 10 / Practical Ways to Heal After Infant Loss While fully healing from infant loss requires us to travel through all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance comes from deep within and is fueled from God, there are some practical things that you can do while you’re going through that process and beyond. Here’s just a few things that I’ve done or that fellow mommas who have experienced loss of done to help them along their journey: After people hear about your loss or you share with others and they say, “I’m praying for you.” You can come back and ask them how you can pray for them. This was hard at first for me because when you’re in pain from losing your baby you think that that loss is more significant than anyone else’s problems. And while the pain from losing a child might be stronger than someone who is going to have a tooth removed or someone who has sickness in the house, getting your mind off of your own pain and focusing on others and how you can be praying for them always helps. Ephesians 6:18  I Timothy 2:1  Blessing others ALWAYS ends up blessing you. Even if you’re not ready to go out of your way to do something for someone else simply praying for others will help you heal.  2.  Another way to help with the healing process is to do something. Just sitting around and not having anything to do is a recipe to sit in any one of those stages for too long. There is a time where sitting and resting is so important but when you start to slip into a dark spiral that means you’ve been there too long. It’s time to get up and go do something. That “something” could be many different things. For me…. It could be entering your own 5K or even running your own, or maybe it’s crocheting blankets for the hospital’s NICU or volunteering at a soup kitchen if the thought of being near pregnant women or babies is too hard or maybe you could… Keeping busy won’t necessarily make your pain go away but it will teach your mind to think outside of the darkness you’re in and it will help keep evil thoughts away. Proverbs 16:27  3.   Read the Bible. I know it’s probably something that you’re like “yeah, obviously” but this is something that is skipped. Instead of turning to Scripture, we turn to the TV or a podcast (I’m honest!) or video games or fiction books, anything to get our minds off of our pain. A distraction can be good in the appropriate time but only if it’s a healthy distraction that is actually contributing in moving forward in your grieving process and not holding you up. The Bible needs to be your main source of truth and life and healing. Nothing else. John 16:33 Romans 15:13 4.   Reading other books that are specific to healing after infant loss - prepare to cry as you read them but they will help you on this journey. Here are a few: Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur One Thousand Gifts by Ann. Voskamp I Will Carry You by Angie Smith Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg Suffering is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot Heaven by Randy Alcorn These will all be linked in the show notes. 5.   There are other things you can do that are smaller. I purchased myself a Molly Bear - it’s a bear that is handmade and created to weigh the same as your child when they were born. It’s a really sweet way to preserve the memory of your baby. I’ll link the website in the show notes as well. I’m also getting myself a tattoo with Olivia’s birth flower and Psalm 34 written in script by it.https://www.mollybears.org/6.  When you do come through your grieving process you should know that sharing your story will always help someone else. It’ll either help them as they are suffering, help give perspective to those who don’t understand, or it will help maybe prepare them for something in their future that they don’t even see coming. Don’t keep it to yourself. 7.   But if you’re in the bottom of the pit right now and unable to even think about doing any of these things know that the Holy Spirit knows what you need and intercedes on your behalf. Romans 8:26  But this only applies if you have turned to Christ in repentance and faith. If you have never acknowledged your sins and your desperate need of a savior and turned from your sins and to God in faith then that is what needs to be done first and foremost. Romans 8:34 Hebrews 7:25  
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    27 mins
  • Ep. 9 / The Grieving Process of Infant Loss

    Ep. 9 / The Grieving Process of Infant Loss
    Mar 3 2023

    Ep. 9 / Process of Grieving Infant Loss


     

    1. Let’s define infant loss. Infant loss can come in all kinds of forms that you may not think of: miscarriage, stillbirth, a baby born with disabilities that weren’t anticipated, a baby dying after birth…


     

    2.   The official stages of grief in order are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

    I’ve found this to be true in my own experience. When Olivia died….


     

    1. Denial: some moms might deny that they lost their baby in various ways - thinking she might be pregnant again or thinking they feel their baby still in their belly or pretending nothing happened.


     

    2. Anger: once you come to grips that your baby died, your baby did not come home with you or maybe your baby did come home but is no longer there with you, you start to get angry. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to my child? You start blaming various people. You blame yourself, maybe you didn’t take your prenatal vitamins as you should have, or maybe you didn’t eat the best while pregnant or drank or used some drugs. Or you might blame your spouse, maybe something they did or said affected you and the baby. Or you might blame some extenuating circumstances that were outside of your control. Or maybe you blame the healthcare system or a doctor in particular. The blame game usually starts and you become angry towards that person or thing to which you are blaming for losing your baby.


     

    3. Once you move past the fact that your child going to heaven before you wasn’t anyone and anythings fault but the sovereign hand of God you begin to bargain with Him. I’ll do this or say this or be this if you’ll only bless me with a baby. If you’ll only give me another baby then I’ll be happy.


     

    4. Once you realize that you cannot bargain with the Creator and Sustainer of all things you begin to sink into depression. Your child, your dreams and plans for the future have been ripped from your hands and you feel empty and hallow inside. You don’t want to make plans because what’s the point? You’re afraid to even begin to think about having another baby because what if the same thing happens? Every time you see another pregnant person or a baby or maybe even a child that’s the same age as yours would be if they were still here you slip quickly back into your dark place.


     

    5. The depression will be less intense and less frequent as time goes on. Time does heal a lot of wounds but there are some wounds that cut too deep that we may not ever be completely healed from on this side of heaven. Once we fully and humbly accept that our child is in the safe and loving arms of Jesus in a much better and beautiful place and that (dare I say it?) This is what God ordained and therefore is what is best we are able to continue on through life here on earth and serve Christ in a full and abundant way.


     

    It’s a long process and depending on many factors it will take everyone different lengths of time to complete the process. But we ALL must go through the process. The key to getting to the other side is to not get stuck in any of those tunnels. Don’t sit in one for too long where it effects your relationships with your family and your relationship with God.


     

    Here are some things to think about as you walk through these deep waters:


     

    1. God is sovereign Colossians 1:16-17
    2. God knows what He is doing - nothing is a surprise to Him Isaiah 45:7-9
    3. It’s not your fault Job 42:2
    4. God cares about your pain Matthew 10:29-31
    5. Stay close to Him and you’ll come through the other side Psalm 34
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    38 mins

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