Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie. The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.

Time Stamps

• 6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented. This helps you understand the way your brain works
• 8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.
• 10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?
• 12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive
• 13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message
• 14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation
• 15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy
• 16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think
• 17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief
• 21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)
• 23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings
• 26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys
• 27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate
• 30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child
• 31:51 Description of the three states of mind
• 35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changes

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd
• Child Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children
• PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them Thrive

Leslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50 How to give feedback to your partner
  • I have an idea that might work for you
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage - I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30 The Three Step Apology
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.