Episodios

  • Circumcision: Facts & Myths

    Circumcision: Facts & Myths
    Aug 1 2024

    Circumcision is a decision every boy parent must face – but what’s the truth behind the practice?

    Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.

    Culture & emotion influence circumcision rates

    Surgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%.

    Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%.

    “The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinformation, superstition, and religion are often at the heart of the cultural reasons for circumcision.

    “What I’ve learned in 35+ years of being involved in this issue is that it really comes down to an emotional decision,” Hammond says.

    Circumcision isn’t medically necessary

    Removal of the foreskin may confer some health benefits, including a reduced risk of urinary tract infections (UTIS), decreased risk of sexually transmitted infection (STIs), and a decreased risk of penile and cervical cancer.

    However, there are other, less invasive ways for children to experience the same benefits, without undergoing surgical removal of the foreskin. Excellent hygiene can prevent many UTIs – and oral antibiotic treatment can easily treat UTIs. Consistent use of condoms during sexual activity can decrease the risk of STIs, including human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes penile and cervical cancer. HPV vaccination can also prevent HPV infection.

    Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

    Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF)

    Circumcision: Where We Stand — American Academy of Pediatrics

    Aug. 3 Double Feature Documentary Screening: Nurses of St. Vincent: Saying No to Circumcision and Facing Circumcision: 8 Doctors Tell Their Stories

    Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma, by Ronald Goldman

    doctorsopposingcircumcision.com

    beyondthebris.com

    bruchim.online


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    50 m
  • Jonathon Reed: To Connect with Boys, Listen

    Jonathon Reed: To Connect with Boys, Listen
    Jul 25 2024

    To connect with boys, you must first listen, says Jonathon Reed, program manager for NextGenMen.

    Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.

    “We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

    Approach with Curiosity

    Teens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.

    “Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

    Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.” Create a sense of safety to connect with boys.

    Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

    NextGenMen website

    Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

    Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

    Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

    Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

    Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode


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    47 m
  • Dr. Lisa Damour: Connecting with Teens

    Dr. Lisa Damour: Connecting with Teens
    Jul 18 2024
    Dr. Lisa Damour says that adults should consider the barriers boys face when it comes to emotional connection and expression. "Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their EmotionsDr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "two-lane highway." And while it’s natural for humans to cry, boys who do so often face ridicule and social pressure, especially in environments like school.Dr. Damour suggests that parents and educators can help boys by creating spaces for physical and alternative forms of emotional expression. Unlike the cultural preference for verbal expressions of emotion, many boys and men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary individuals) find relief through physical activities. Activities like shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or even banging on an old filing cabinet can be effective ways to discharge and process emotions."If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy," Dr. Damour says. Additionally, music can be a powerful tool for many boys to express and regulate their emotions.Practical Steps for ParentsTo connect better with teenage boys and support their emotional development, parents can:Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression: Encourage physical activities that help boys process their emotions. Sports, music, or even creative projects can provide an outlet for their feelings.Acknowledge and Respect Gender Norms: Understand the societal pressures boys face and offer support without reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Validate their feelings and encourage healthy expression.Set Clear Expectations: While understanding the pressures boys face, maintain clear expectations for respectful and kind behavior. Teach boys that while it's okay to feel anger or frustration, it's not okay to express these emotions through harmful actions.Model Emotional Intelligence: Show boys how to handle emotions by modeling emotional intelligence in your behavior. Demonstrate how to talk about feelings and handle stress constructively.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s websiteThe Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena NinanTeen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeManaging Emotions — ON BOYS episodeNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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    45 m
  • Brendan Kwiatkowski: Connecting w Teen Boys

    Brendan Kwiatkowski: Connecting w Teen Boys
    Jul 11 2024

    Brendan Kwiatkowski knows that connecting with teenage boys requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to create a safe emotional space.

    Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”

    Helping Boys Express Their Emotions

    One of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.

    It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always respond perfectly. It’s okay to miss the mark sometimes. Research has shown that parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise well-adjusted children, as long as they apologize and strive to make things right when they falter.

    Encouraging Teen Boys to Talk

    Interestingly, Kwiatkowski’s research shows that teenage boys are often most comfortable opening up to women. Therefore, moms have a unique opportunity to foster a deeper connection with their sons by being approachable and supportive listeners.

    Modeling authenticity and vulnerability is another powerful way to encourage boys to open up. Kwiatkowski emphasizes the importance of being genuine and honest with your own emotions. “I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” he says. Acknowledging the contradictions and tensions in being a boy or man and discussing these openly can help create a more trusting and open dialogue.


    Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

    remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

    Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

    Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan Kwiatkowski

    What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

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    50 m
  • Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning

    Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning
    Jul 4 2024

    Teacher Tom says “kids haven’t changed at all” over recent decades.

    “Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” he says.

    Nurturing Kids & Building Connections

    The first five years of a child’s life “should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

    Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

    “We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-governance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

    Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

    Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

    Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

    Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

    Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

    The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

    The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

    Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

    Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

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    49 m
  • Women are America’s Safety Net & That’s a Problem for Boys

    Women are America’s Safety Net & That’s a Problem for Boys
    Jun 27 2024
    Women are America’s safety net. Women provide the vast majority of child and elder care and care for the disabled. Women do the bulk of home- and community-tending, and they create and reinforce the ties that bind us together. Most of that labor is unpaid — and the little that is paid is typically poorly compensated.This imbalance is clearly problematic for women, who are often exhausted and overworked. But it’s also a problem for boys, men, girls, and, well, everyone. If we don’t talk about this imbalance, our sons will grow up in a system that still devalues care work. They’ll see women, predominantly, as caregivers, and may conclude – incorrectly – that they’re not capable of childcare or elder care. Others may also assume that our boys and men aren’t capable of care.How Our DIY Society Tricked Us AllOther countries use social safety nets to manage risk, says sociologist Jessica Calarco, author of Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net. In contrast, the US “tries to DIY society,” Calarco says, essentially telling people “that if they just make the right choices for their kids and families, then they won’t actually need any support.”That’s a lie, though. We all need help and support at various time throughout life. But “women’s unpaid and underpaid labor is maintaining this illusion that we can get by without a social safety net” in the United States, she says.Busting Gender StereotypesFrom the time girls are old enough to hold a baby doll, we’re training them to be mothers. We don’t do the same for boys, at least not on a society-wide scale.“Boys are often denied the opportunity to learn to be caregivers,” Calarco notes.Despite the ubiquity of the Mars/Venus myth, which suggests that females are better suited to caregiving than males, there’s no solid scientific evidence to back up that assertion. “If anything, much of what we perceive as these innate gender differences roots back to early socialization,” Calarco says. “Even as young as infancy, adults treat babies differently if they perceive it to be a girl versus if they perceive it to be a boy.”Research shows that the more caregiving experience an individual has, the more that person’s body will respond physiologically — by pumping out hormones like oxytocin — to caregiving activities. “This happens for both men and women,” Calarco says. “The more experience you have in caregiving capacities, the better at it you get.”But while parents (and society at large) are now widely supportive of girls who bend traditional gender boundaries, they are much less comfortable with boys who bend and challenge gender stereotypes. Many parents (and grandparents) still aren’t comfortable giving boys dolls or letting them play house.“This is a place where we can intervene,” Calarco says. “We can hold up examples of kids and adults pushing back against these boundaries and binaries. We can let them know ‘there’s many, many different ways to be a girl and many different ways to be a boy.’ And I think the more that we can encourage that kind of gender flexibility for both our boys and our girls, the better off they will be.” Takeaways:Women are the safety net of America, providing unpaid and underpaid labor that holds everything togetherSystemic issues affect boys and familiesDevaluation of care work impacts societal perceptions of caregiving rolesHow neoliberalism and the myth of individualistic success have led to the exploitation of women’s laborThe Mars/Venus myth perpetuates gender stereotypes and societal attitudes that devalue caregiving and reinforce gender hierarchiesFundamental shifts in societal attitudes and policies are necessary to address systemic issues and create a more equitable societyChange begins at home, with the need to challenge gender roles and encourage caregiving experiences for both boys and girlsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net — Jessica’s bookKate Mangino on Teaching Boys to Be Equal Partners — ON BOYS podcastNursing, Boys, & Gender Stereotypes — 4-15-24 Building Boys BulletinSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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    43 m
  • Navigating Parenthood Beyond Stereotypes with Jaimie Kelton

    Navigating Parenthood Beyond Stereotypes with Jaimie Kelton
    Jun 20 2024

    Like most moms, Jaimie Kelton has “so many thoughts & fears on raising a boy.”

    “I question myself constantly,” says Jamie, host of The Queer Family podcast and mom to two children, a 10-year-old daughter & a 6-year-old son. She knows that gender is a social construct — and also knows that gender stereotypes are extremely powerful and prevalent. When she was pregnant with her son, Jamie says, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to connect with him.

    In this episode, Jaimie shares her journey and thoughts on raising a boy within a society that holds strong gender stereotypes, while also highlighting the unique challenges and joys faced by queer families.

    Key Topics:

    • Parenting Fears & Self-Doubt: Jaimie opens up about the common fears and constant self-questioning she experiences as a mom. Despite her awareness that gender is a social construct, she acknowledges the pervasive influence of gender stereotypes in society.
    • Facing Stereotypes: While Jaimie and her wife offer their son a variety of toys and activities, he gravitates towards traditionally “boy” interests such as cars, trucks, planes, and the color blue.
    • Support & Acceptance: Jaimie discusses the importance of supporting children in becoming their true selves. She emphasizes the need to parent the child you have, not the one you envisioned.
    • Intentional Parenting: As part of a queer family, Jaimie highlights the intentionality required in their parenting journey. From conception to daily life, every step is deliberate and meaningful.
    • Challenging Norms: Facing societal prejudice, including attempts to ban books featuring families like hers, queer families must continually think outside the box. Often, they discover joy in creating a unique lives that defy conventional paths.
    • Encouragement for Other Parents: Jaimie underscores the idea that joy and fulfillment can be found by embracing one’s unique family structure and parenting style.

    Memorable Quotes:

    • “We want our kids to feel free to be who they are.”
    • “We’re really good at thinking outside the box because we don’t fit the normal path.”
    • “These are the most intentional parents. There’s no accidents in how we make a family.”

    Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

    The Queer Family podcast — Jaime’s podcast

    Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids — ON BOYS episode

    Understanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi — ON BOYS episode

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    43 m
  • Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech

    Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech
    Jun 13 2024
    Child psychologist Emily Edlynn says a healthier approach to tech is good for the whole family. As she wrote in her Substack newsletter, the currently popular shame-blame-restrict approach to social media, screens, and gaming isn’t working particularly well. Emily sas:Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents.Social Media, Video Games, & Phones Aren’t the Cause of Mental Health ProblemsContrary to popular belief, smartphone and screens are not solely responsible for the current mental health crisis.“I’m always skeptical is there’s a straight line drawn from any one thing to mental health,” Emily says. “That’s not how mental health works. It’s very complex, nuanced, layered, and full of contributing factors.” In fact, tech overuse can be a symptom, not a cause of mental health problems.“It’s really important not to blame the tech but to get under it & explore what’s going on,” Emily says.So, parents: take a breath. Giving your child a smartphone does not doom them to anxiety or depression. It is much healthier to step away from the fear and approach technology as a tool.“When parents take more of a mentorship approach to online activity and social media, the kids do better with it,” Emily says.Fighting About Tech Isn’t Helpful. Here’s a Healthier Approach to Tech.Parents and children often have vastly different views of (& goals for) technology. These differing views often come into conflict. And in many cases, that escalates into a problem.“The conflict around technology can cause more harm than the technology itself,” Emily explains. Kids may feel misunderstood, alienated, and not trusted. And parental guilt and stress around technology is harming both parents & kids.Although it may not seem like it during the tween & teenage years, our kids want to be connected with us. When they don’t feel connected to us due to high and constant conflict, they suffer (often, in ways we can’t see).Focus on the connection with your child instead of focusing on the tech.Photo by Photo by KoolShooters via PexelsTakeaways:Parents should focus on balance and individualized approaches to technology use rather than blaming technology for mental health issues.Open dialogue and empathy are key in discussing technology use with children and teenagers.Technology can be addictive, and it is important to develop critical thinking skills and awareness of its impact.The goal is to raise children who have a good internal sense of balance and can make healthy choices in the digital world.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynnwww.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s websiteThe Art & Science of Mom — Emily’s Substack (Be sure to check out Fortnite Creep)Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time — Building Boys postAutonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode featuring EmilyHow Our Feelings About Technology Affect Our Kids — newsletter by Melinda Wenner-Moyer (mentioned by Emily)Melinda Wenner Moyer: Raising Boys Who Aren’t Assholes — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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    44 m